Parents of a Troubled Teen

Tomorrow is the big day

2009-07-02T13:47:00.002-05:00

Not only does Katie turn 19 tomorrow, but she is moving into her first apartment! Yeah for her!!! I am both proud and worried about her for this big step. It isn't easy, but it is necessary.

As I've tried to share here, things at home have not gone well. It is at worst a battle zone, at best a DMZ. Most of the time Diane just avoids Katie completely, spending her free time up in our room.

Katie is nervous, to say the least. But this is an important and necessary step. I'm hoping it gives her the incentive that she has lacked, to get a job, to get her driver's license, to get her school loans completed. We had a bit of a talk last night - and even though she is good at bringing up the line "I'm an adult" - as of tomorrow she will HAVE to start acting like one.

I'd have preferred an apartment closer to home, or even better a college dorm, but that isn't to be. This opportunity came up, was extremely reasonable (which a lot of others weren't) and she took it.

So tomorrow will be spent packing, moving, unpacking, and then taking her out for her birthday dinner!

Graduation

2009-06-16T07:13:00.001-05:00

Well it has finally happened. Wearing her red gown, mortarboard and tassel, Katie graduated high school.

There were times I never thought it would happen, that she would end up dead, dropped out on drugs, or pregnant - but so far none of those has happened.

Was this success because of or in spite of the program - that is a question that can never truly be answered at this point. I do feel that I have done everything in my power as a father to give her all the opportunities to suceed, and protect her as much as I was able.

Next steps? She is enrolled at the local community college for fall. She needs to get her financing for it done, as well as get a job. And an apartment. Just like her older brother and sister, I know expect her to move on with her life, and that means living away from home.

At this point I don't have much more to add. Like a butterfly, it is time for her to climb from her protective shell and fly away to a new life.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Graduation

2009-06-05T08:01:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was the day finally. Katie is now a high school graduate.

As a father, I'm proud of her. Her graduation party is next Saturday.

In addition, she got her class schedule for the local community college the other day (along with the invoice). So the next steps are to get a job, and apartment, and a student loan for school.

It has been a very rough ride, and it still quite bumpy. Katie and Diane don't get along at all any more, and pretty much avoid each other. The same is basically true with her brothers.

Katie turns 19 next month - and like the proverbial butterfly it is time for her to leave the cocoon and fly.

I've tried to teach her what I can, but I fear that the lessons she needs to learn now can only be learned on her own.

Hmmm - an on topic update

2009-04-16T07:13:00.002-05:00

*Shock* Actually talking about what is happening.

Things seem to be stable, though far from ideal. As she has stated, Diane has once again checked out - spending most of her time upstairs in our room. The boys and Katie are typically at each other most of the time. The youngest boy gets along the least with her - neither of them seems capable of NOT commenting when the other says something. He jumps all over her when she says anything - she in turn jumps all over his case (though usually a bit more visciously, laced with profanity) in response. Fun times - NOT.

The middle son is spending as much time away from the home as possible - part of this because of his new girlfriend (and I'm happy that one of my boys finally has a girlfriend). She is actually someone Katie knew before she left from one of the churches she went to. While she is also Katie's friend, Katie does not seem to realize that she comes over to see her brother, not her.

The younger boys and I are going up to see their older brother this weekend. Katie claims that I'm throwing her to the wolves by not taking her. She asked me if I expect the house to still be standing when we get back Saturday night - to which I responded that it will be if the people living here expect to continue that.

I'm actually not worried - Diane will either be upstairs (friday night) or working, while Katie will spend all her time on the computer in the basement, or sleeping. They will barely see each other, the same as if we were home.

I am tired of my home being a battlezone. I believe that once Katie is on her own, then there will be a chance for some healing on all sides to occur, and for some relationships to begin to build. I'd like to see Katie taking steps toward this goal, preparing herself for it - but things are to the point that unless she wants something from me she won't listen to anything I say.

The sad victimization of America

2009-04-14T20:59:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if Dan Rather created the phrase, but I first heard it from him when his book came out about "The Greatest Generation", talking about the men and women who lived during and fought in World War II.

This was just after the great depression, when the New Deal came out to put people back to work, and the beginnings of the modern welfare state were created. While being the son of two democrats may mean that I can't reject the concept outright; I look at the results that I see now in America, and I just think how sad the Greatest Generation must feel looking at what they fought and died for.

We have become a nation of victims. You hear about it every day on the news. Constantly, people who are victims. Be it crime, natural disasters, personal tragedy or what have you - everyone is a victim. The media loves to analyze everything, and blame it on anything they can, from the comic books of the 1950's to video games and movies of today.

Look at the people in New Orleans who are still whining and complaining about being victims of Katrina. These are the same poor, helpless victims who wouldn't leave when they were told to, and who (while not all of them) started looting and even shooting at the helicopters sent to help them later. These poor victims years later still can't take care of themselves.

Our grandparents should be ashamed. No, that isn't right. We should be ashamed - ashamed of what this nation has become.

Years ago, if you spilt coffee in you lap, it was your fault. Now you are a victim and suing the restaurant who gave you the hot coffee. If you lift up a running lawn mower and try to trim a hedge with it and cut off your hand - you are a victim of the company who made it because they didn't tell you not to do it, an build in safe guards to prevent it. If you are fat you are a victim of the fast food companies for putting the trans-fats in the food you shoved into you mouth.

What happened to personal responsibility? What happened to people saying they were responsible for their lives, their own decisions? Sure things happen. But it is always our choice how to deal with it - as a victim or to take responsibility for our decisions and actions.

One thing I have discovered in the past few years is that I am not a part of mainstream America. I don't fit in. I don't watch American Idol. I think Dancing with the Stars has to be one of the most boring concepts for a television show in my lifetime. Most of the things I tend to enjoy, I find that very few others do. I like to make my own decisions about things. I take responsibility for my actions, responsibility for my self and responsibility for my family. I do not let my heart rule my head, and I try to think through all my decisions, based on the best evidence I have at the time. I don't do what I feel is best, I do what I THINK is best.

These don't seem to be the normal things for American society these days. I don't believe in suing somebody because I don't like what they did (and I think that the huge amount of frivilous lawsuits are one of the worst things going on in America today, and should be stopped immediately). I do my best to pay my bills, put food on the table, clothes on our backs and a roof over the head of my family. I work hard at my job, and expect to be paid a reasonable amount for it.

I don't think that I deserve millions of dollars for sitting on my butt. I don't think the world owes me anything. I don't expect anyone else to take care of my family. I am not perfect, and I make mistakes. I accept the consequences of my actions. I don't blame others for my actions, for my successes or for my failures. I don't ask for your permission to live my life the way I choose, nor do I ask for your approval of my decisions, as neither of those are yours to give.

I am not a victim, and I am doing my best to see that I am not raising my children to be victims either.

This may not seem appropriate for this forum, but me and my family have come under attack recently (and quite visciously) because of decisions I have made - all of which I have been sharing for the past few years here, and this has been on my mind the past few days. I've tried to make this a resource for those other families who might also be struggling with troubled teenagers, not to promote any school or solution, but to simply say "You are not alone". Yes, in the end you have to make the appropriate decision for yourself and your family, as I did. You have to be responsible for your actions, whatever they may be. But here is one story, here is how one family struggled (and still struggles) so perhaps it might ease the burden on some other family to know they aren't the only ones.

I do not apologize for taking the actions that I thought best, nor do I ask anyones approval nor forgiveness. The choices I have made may not have given me the results that I wnated, but I accept that. I will continue to make choices to attempt to achieve the results for my family that I want, as I have always done.

Once more I find myself rambling, and realize that this sounds like a goodbye. As much as those who have attacked me lately wish it, this is not. It may be a rant, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm simply going to continue to be the best father that I know how to be, the best husband that I can be, and the best person that I am capable of.

I will not swear back at those who swear at me, will not curse back at those who choose to curse at me. I will not respond to anonymous cowards who attack others while hiding. I will not attack back those who are choosing to attack me - because in my life - they do not matter. Like mosquitos or gnats, they are but a momentary irritation, and worth even less consideration.

I will continue to personally respond to those who are at least open and honest enough to identify themselves, as I have done, and wish to discuss things without resorting to personal attacks.

One last note - anyone who thinks they have some deep and meaningful insight into me or my family because of a few posts I have made in a blog is sorely mistaken. It takes much more than a brief glimpse at someones lives to understand them. Many people may think this is a detailed account of everything that has happened in the past five years, and it is far from it. It is an attempt to share some of my feelings, and some of what we went through. Like anything else, there is so much, much more beneath the surface. If anything, this is an outline of one part of the story of my family, not the whole story. And while I may sometimes go on too long, as I have today, I am not a writer, and most of the story will never be told.

So for those very few that have been reading for these past five years, thanks. To those who have just started reading - well I wish to welcome those who will read the purpose of this and take it for what it is.

Katie's Story

2009-04-11T07:06:00.002-05:00

Katie has found a very anti-program discussion group, and has decided to start writing up her story. Not necessarily a bad thing. I encouraged her (as did at least one of the people there) to actually create a blog to do it instead - but she refuses.

If she decides to create a blog, then I will gladly link to it from here, as I think it is important to have a chance to see all sides. Her story is not my story, and what she remembers is often not what I remember. However we are human, we see and note different things. Watch the movie Vantage Point if you want to see a great example of this.

Unfortunately, as long as she only puts on it on that site, I will not link to it. Aside from the personal attacks that are currently ongoing there (yes, internet death threats - I guess that means I am somebody now :-) ) I refuse to subject my readers (although my readership has probably doubled because of that site (what, to maybe 4 now?)) to that. And where at minimum the site is libelous - the vast majority of people on it post anonymously (though they feel that they have the right to put up MY personal information on the site while hiding themselves).

I'd again like Katie to put it on a blog - so it is as open as this one is - and people can begin to see all sides of a story. Of course, to see all sides, we would also need input from people at the school - and I know that won't happen.

Parts of her story are very well written - she does still have that talent (like I've been told I have) - if she chooses to truly work on it (she does not accept any kind of criticism well at all, and will never improve if she believes that it is already fantastic. There is some that is good - but everything can be improved) and makes an interesting read. More so for me because it gives me some more insight into her - even where it does not match the things I know and remember.

fornits

2009-04-09T20:30:00.002-05:00

Well, it looks like for the past week or so I have been a very popular (15 pages worth) topic of discussion on this message board devoted to bashing all teen help programs.

A bunch of anonymous people calling me evil and a child abuser, hiding behind made up accounts. Posting my name, my father's name (that is uncalled for), and even Diane's work information.

What amazes me is how they know all the answers and all the solutions. Too bad I wasn't able to let them fix Katie four years ago since they are all so perfect. I guess I just have to continue to be human, and fallible.

I am reminded of when I was getting my divorce 10+ years ago though. I was accused of spousal abuse then as well (the entirety of the complaint was that I "grabbed her arm and pushed her on the bed."). I was vindicated by the courts, who found no evidence of it whatsoever - and in fact awarded me full, unconditional custody of all four of my children.

If there were ever an impartial judge of this (which I doubt there ever would be), I believe they would find the same thing.

If nothing else, it may give me more reasons to post again :-).

Interesting to get some feedback NOW

2009-04-04T09:06:00.002-05:00

Hmmmmm - life never ceases to amaze me.

I started this Blog over four years ago, to share what we were going through. For quite a while, I updated it regularly. Now that Katie is home and we are no longer in the program, I suddenly seem to be getting some feedback on it.

First, I apologize to the few people who have actually read this, that I am not updating it regularly any more. Situations and lives change, and our family is no longer in the same position that it was when I started this. I'd like make a committment to update this more, but in all honesty that isn't something I can do at this point in my life. I will not make an agreement that I cannot keep.

Marie - thanks for reading. I have really enjoyed sharing more with you, and hearing about how things are going with your family.

Tortured - please address any feedback to THIS blog, not my personal one. My personal one is my own thoughts / ideas / feelings unrelated to the program.

I'd like to point out that I am not on a campaign to recruit for nor to discredit the school that Katie attended, nor the affiliation to which it belonged. I have openly and honestly talked about our family here and what went on there.

I will state that my daughter was not tortured, nor abused in any way. I have been to the school, I have met the people who interacted with her every day. While it was no resort, they did nothing wrong in my opinion - and the opinions of others based on their experiences will not change that.

Our program journey is basically over. The destination we arrived at was not what I had hoped for, I will grant that. However I do not spend my time worrying about it after the fact.

I felt four plus years ago, and still feel now, that this was the best thing we could do for Katie. I don't feel that the results were what we wanted, but things could not continue in our home the way they had been going.

So yes, I have been through the program. I have seen the schools. I have seen some of the sites that are attacking them. I have read some of the books attacking the programs. I feel it is a shame that so many people attack these, while the quiet majority of those involved with them simply go on with their lives. There are so many power plays and political struggles that end up going on, and so many of them that, in the end, are backed purely by money, that it sometimes makes me sick. Are these programs for everyone - of course not. Do they help everyone - obviously not. Are some people against them - well of course.

The only question (rhetorical though it is) that I have for all the opponents to these schools is simply - what alternative do you propose? I simply see so many people that work so hard to tear down a given institution that is attempting to do some good, without offering anything better.

Hard to update when I'm not there

2009-01-31T11:33:00.001-05:00

The title says it all. With me now working 200 miles from home ( meaning a four drive up on Sunday afternoon and back on Friday night ) I'm not really interacting with her much. Things have improved a bit though since we had a bit of a "Come to Jesus" meeting about her moving out.

I basically told her that after graduationan it is time to move on. Either she moves into a dorm, or if she goes to the local community college the she has to get an apartment. The dorm is a better option - more of an easy transition, but it is not going well having her in the house.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Merry Fricken Christmas

2008-12-28T16:05:00.002-05:00

Yes, this is Diane. It's been really quite hard since Mike got a short time job in Detroit. But money is money and this is a great opportunity and will hopefully help him to get a foot in the door with this company.

But when he's not home, Katie reverts back to her old old self calling me that endearing name of "fucking bitch". Yes, as Mike has noticed I have "checked out" regarding her and my relationship. I really tried to make it work when she got home, and there were some nice moments, but sadly that's all they were, moments.

When Mike got home on Christmas Eve, she was all peaches and cream. Christmas day was fine until around dinner when she reverted back to screaming about things and making everyone miserable. Even Scout has gone back to hiding again when she starts her fits.

The lies have returned and its almost like she wasn't gone for three years, and has not retained anything that they tried to teach her there. The "real" reason she quit Frisches came out when she was talking to one of Erik's friends yesterday. She was sitting on the couch talking like no one else was around when Mike and I were just steps away. Though she exclaimed to us -- sometimes at the top of her lungs -- the "real" reason was because her grades were being affected, we all knew that was a lie. I even went so far as to talk with her manager to make sure she wasn't fired. No, she quit. No two week notice and at the beginning of Christmas break when she could have been pulling in the dough. Just another of her extremely bad choices in life. It seems that she thrives on negativity. Oh, and if you're wondering, the "real" reason was because she didn't like some girl there. Big fricken deal. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. You will go through life and every job you have there will be someone that rubs you the wrong way.

Today we had our big family meeting before Mike left. We didn't have one when he wasn't here because he is the calming person in it all. It can very quickly break down to a screaming match -- with Katie doing the screaming and then she storms off and cries in her bedroom, playing the victim and drama queen to the hilt.

Mike laid ground rules that this was not to be a session of pointing fingers and we all have things to work on around here, which I agree with. When it was Katies turn she came out and asked "of the two family leaders sitting here" why she hadn't been kicked out yet! I asked her if that was her goal because she truly has been acting like it. She has been making sure to push every button she can to see if we will. And I guess if it were just my decision -- which I'm very glad it's not -- she would be out of here. But luckily Mike has the solid, calm head in the family. Plus it's HIS daughter, it's not my blood daughter and I would maybe feel differently if she was.

I spend my days longer at work, or up in my room again just to make sure there is no fight or confrontation. But then since I'm not around she'll start picking a fight with the boys and they end up coming to me to try to knock sense into her. We've all had it.

When she was having a screaming fit at Jon the other night (it was amazing how calm Jon was through the whole thing!) she said she is planning on getting an apartment with a friend in April or May. He tried telling her that in order to get an apartment you have to have a job, a steady source of income. But she knows everything, rules don't pertain to her. I truly feel she'll have to hit ALL the bumps in the road that life will bring before she learns anything.

Sad but true.

Hope I make it through the next few days until Mike gets back here. Lord, give me strength.
-D

Consequences

2008-12-16T09:42:00.003-05:00

It amazes me sometimes how, after all this time in the program, Katie still doesn't understand that actions have consequences, or in this case inaction.

She is really struggling in one of her math classes. So she asked me last night for a ride in early to school to work on her math. Not a huge deal, I do this at least once a week as her brother has German club before school as well.

So I get dressed and go downstairs, turn on everyone's lights and tell them to get up. Her other brother is already in the shower.

Come 7:05, I go back up and she is still in bed. I yell at her and her youngest brother. At 7:20 she comes down staird and goes out for a cigarette, since she is not allowed to smoke on the property. She then comes in and says she is ready to go.

Well the bus comes at 7:28. They are the last pickup on the bus - after they get on it is straight to the school. It is 7:26. I say too late - the bus is here, it will get you to school as quickly as I can. There is no reason to waste the gas and my time. If she wanted to be there early, then she should have gotten up on time. So she is pretty mad at me this morning.

I feel bad because I want to be as encouraging and helpful as possible, especially with trying to get her math grade up. But actions have consequences, and I have to stand firm on this. (Just like I won't give her a ride to work because it is three blocks from the house - it is very difficult to find any place closer. Sure it is cold some times - but that is what coats are for.)

Back up to level 3

2008-11-22T11:53:00.001-05:00

Well, things are going, if not as well as I'd like, they are at least going. Katie is back up to level three as of yesterday. She is still smoking unfortunately, but there isn't much I can do there. There is still a lot of conflict going on between her and her brothers - and both sides are guilty of instigating it.

Katie is starting to learn some of the harsh realities of economics in the real world. With her job, she needed bank accounts. Yep, she already bounced some. First she ordered some CD's online (at Amazon) and had it come from her savings - the first mistake. Then she didn't have enough to cover it, so had to deal with the bank charges, and then the vendor charges as well. Of course she didn't have that kind of money - so now her allowance goes to me until it is taken care of. I said that I would help her this once, and have also started doing a check on her accounts to make sure she is actually writing EVERYTHING down in her register - or she earns a Cat 2.

It is very frustrating as a parent to watch your children insist on making the same stupid mistakes, and not listening when we tell them how to avoid them. I just think it would be nice, if, for once, they would listen and not have to do all the stupid things for themselves.

But hey, we all have our fantasies.

Questioning the church

2008-11-04T08:08:00.003-05:00

The day to day things seem to be going ok for now.

Katie is smoking again, unfortunately, but as an adult I can't stop her.

She has decided to 'take a break' from her church for a bit - she is struggling to find herself and just isn't liking some of the answers she is getting there for her questions. She doesn't like to admit that I might ever have a point before the world hits her over the head with it. I tried to explain to her months ago that she did not know most of what the Mormon church is about, and would just be starting to investigate it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the LDS church any more than I am any other - I respect their beliefs even if I don't agree with them, and I respect their right to have them without judging them (i.e. I don't consider their beliefs wrong - they just aren't what I believe).

Katie is just struggling with the role of women in their society (i.e. as wives, taking care of the family - generally not the breadwinners nor having careers) as well as the strong family orientation - specifically how it excludes those who aren't in the church. She is upset that her family is not part of the church - doesn't like the idea of going to heaven without her family. Fairly admirable in some ways when you look at it.

I never forced her to go to church, and supported her exploring and questioning them.

The only regret I have if she does leave it is the good people in the church, and the positive influence there. She really needs that support.

Back to square one, or less

2008-10-11T15:03:00.002-05:00

Things were going well. So we thought. Then I get a call yesterday - and Katie is suspended from school for three days, for walking off school grounds, and having tobaco on school property. Basically a person who lives near the school saw a bunch of kids smoking in their yard so called the school, and when they came back they were busted.

She managed to come up with something not in the home contract. It will be though. It is a cat 4 - immediate loss of all points and levels.

Diane is so mad she can't see straight, not only about the suspension but also the smoking.

While I don't like he smoking, she is eighteen, and it is not illegal. It will not happen in the house.

Now we are also having some interpretation issues on the contract - she has no unsurpervised activities - but does that mean she isn't allowed to leave the house at all? I am not a prison guard, this is not a jail.

If she is going to smoke, I'd rather know about it, and I have less of an issue with her walking across the street to do it - but Diane has major issues.

Diane is also upset with how I'm handling this, though she hasn't all I've been able to determine is that I didn't yell enough - though I don't see where that would have helped at all.

At minimum it is going to be a bit tense around here for a while.

So much to do, so little time

2008-10-04T16:59:00.002-05:00

I seem to have no time to update my blogs lately - and never think of them when I'm at home.

Katie is doing well. She has started her job, and just got a savings and checking account today. She has started to find the joy of working (i.e. there is none, but at least you get paid).

Four years ago today

2008-09-23T22:19:00.002-05:00

Hard to believe now that Katie is back home and doing reasonably well, but it was four years ago today that we had her escorted to the school. (Ok, technically it was a 2 am in the morning, but the date was the same). I didn't even think about it until she mentioned it.

I hope it was worth it.

First day at work

2008-09-18T13:07:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Katie's first day at her new job - delayed because of the storm. She was fairly nervous and excited the night before, and when I got home Diane said she looked good in her uniform.

Then she got home - and reality had reached up and smacked her in the face big time. She wasn't at all happy about having to start her training by busing tables. And was extremely tired - so much so that her ride came this morning and we got a call they were waiting outside - though she was up I'm thinking she might have dozed off waiting.

It will be interesting to see her reaction to her first check, and how much our dear old uncle takes out of it!

Among the gainfully employed!

2008-09-10T09:43:00.002-05:00

Katie went in for a 2nd interview yesterday, and got the job at a local Frisch's Big Boy! One of the best parts it is all of 2-3 blocks from the house - walking distance even in winter and bad weather (she was a little disappointed when I said that no, I was not giving her a ride to the interview yesterday).

This will help to fill some of her time now - between school, the job, church and her wanting to help out with the band she will definitely be busy. I did specify that she has some priorities - school first, then the job, and then the other stuff.

Her first day is Friday. I don't know how long she will be there - but Friday is also a home football game - so I'm guess she won't be able to help out there like she did at the first one. But those are choices we all have to make in life.

Teenagers and relationships

2008-09-08T07:42:00.002-05:00

I'm not yet so old that I can't still remember being a teenager - and remembering that it sucks. High school sucks. Hormones raging through your body sucks. Puberty sucks.

Of course, then you graduate, get a job, an life goes downhill from there :-)

Katie is struggling a bit with relationships. I feel for her, but I can't take this burden, of learning how to deal with people, from her. Being so sheltered for the past three years doesn't help in the real world. She needs to learn both to be more open in some situations, and much, much less in others.

She likes a boy. I don't know at this point if the feelings are reciprocated or not. And it won't be simply either way. Problem is she told another girl, who then turned around and started flirting with him - not a good thing, but a typical teenage girl thing.

Then it didn't help that she got a bad sunburn on her face this weekend helping with the band. That is really hurting her self confidence. Which isn't a good thing, because she has a 2nd job interview tonight. It will be great if she gets this though - because it less than three blocks from the house! (Though she was a bit upset that I wouldn't give her a ride there this evening - I doubt I will even be home in time to.)

One other thing - it looks like the September issue of the schools newsletter is out - with an article by Katie in it! I do like that they still use it even after she left without graduating.

The beat goes on

2008-09-03T20:11:00.002-05:00

Things are still going ok. Katie earned her level 3 at home this week, which was good. She didn't like facing up to the fact that since she still hasn't been able to find a job, she can't get / do all the things she wants. Specifically the class ring orders were today - and I'm not going to pay for one (I'm not sure it is even worth it) and she was upset about it, but not much I can do about that. She apologized today, but the fact remains that learning the value of a dollar is still a bit lesson for her.

First days of school

2008-08-27T19:43:00.002-05:00

are tiring. Yesterday was the first day, and so of course it meant that we had to do even more school supply shopping last night.

Katie and I had a wee bit of a verbal tussle, though it was as much or more my fault than hers. All over issues that weren't hers, but all the kids, however she just happened to be the one that I unfairly unloaded on, and then she took it way past where it needed to go. So she isn't really talking to me today, but I think after some cooling off it will be better. And the table is FINALLY cleaned off, with baskets for everyone's crap!

I'm a bit concerned that her friend from the program seems to be awol lately - I haven't heard back from her in a few weeks. Nothing much I can do there.

She got home tonight and introduced a friend from church - a girl that used to live close to us back in our old apartment - what over six years ago now? She is a junior, but in her church group as well as school - so it sounds like she has a friend at school finally, which is a really good thing. I didn't recognize her AT ALL, but then kids do grow quite a bit over the years.

Irregularity

2008-08-21T07:26:00.002-05:00

(In posting at least).

I have noticed that without the regulararity of a phone call every week, I don't seem to have the regular point to post an update.

Things are going fairly well. Some communication issues for Katie, both with her older brother (now temporarily resolved since he has moved into his apartment two hours away) and with the rest of us, but we are trying to work through it.

Next week starts school - this will be really good as Katie has been very bored every day with nothing to do. Plus her Mormon Seminary class starts monday as well - at 5:50 AM every morning. That will truly show here committment to get herself up every morning at 5 and get over there.

The Honeymoon Continues...

2008-08-17T14:37:00.002-05:00

Well, things are still going ok. Jon is now in his apartment so THAT sibling rivalry won't be going on every day. Matt is at Scout Leadership Camp and doesn't get home until Monday. Hope he's having a good time. Katie will have just gotten back from church, and Mike and Erik are out mowing lawns. I'm at work.

School is fast approaching, just 8 calendar days away. So I guess this week will consist of school shopping. Oh boy. I'll probably take both the boys together, and then just Katie so we can have some girl time. She is much pickier about the clothes she wears now, which I'm glad. She has learned more feminine ways while at school. She take care of her hair, wears makeup very lightly, and keeps saying how she enjoys being a girl. Oh, and her senior pics are Friday.

Two of the biggest things that seem to be popping up all of a sudden are "crushes" on two boys. One is from her church, the other is her brothers' friend, and also goes to church with her. Both are 2 years younger than her. I've talked with her a bit about the brothers friend, saying that would be a REALLY bad thing to pursue, and she seemed to understand, but these feelings are all so new to her and she's unsure how to deal with them. Mike and I both can see that these crushes are probably because they are the only two boys that really have talked and paid attention to her. That worries us a bit. In a way that is typical -- she used to be all over someone that showed her any attention, and practically buying their friendship. This is pretty much the same, except the stakes could be higher. We've always thought that she would marry and get pregnant (and possibly not in that order) the first boy that says he love her.

She is still trying to do too much for everyone. Still trying to make her brothers see that her way is "right", but all in all, I think we're doing ok. Her maturity level is more where I think it should be, not overly mature, but not always acting like a little girl, either.

We'll keep plugging away.
-D

Continuing on

2008-08-11T10:07:00.002-05:00

Which is you can do. Katie has earned enough points for level 2 at home now, and things are still going relatively well. She has been having some issues with the older brother Jon, but that actually will resolve itself this weekend as he moves into his apartment on Saturday.

She is registered for school and has her class schedule - which doesn't sound too bad though she has to take two math courses at the same time to graduate, as well as pass the Ohio Graduation Test in October (and a final chance in March). School starts two weeks from tomorrow - hard to believe already.

oops

2008-08-07T12:27:00.002-05:00

an quick apology to my loyal readers (and you know who both of you are :-) ) for the post yesterday, that was meant for my personal blog, not this one.

So I am at band camp, which means that I haven't seen her all week, though I have talked to her on the phone a couple of times and she still seems to be doing well. Diane and I talked a bit about her home contract and how we do points. She wasn't sure if a category didn't apply one day if she should get 0 points or 2. Since I look at this as building her levels, she shouldn't be penalized (i.e. 0 points) if there is nothing to do - just getting a 'standard' value.

Day 6

2008-07-29T09:02:00.002-05:00

Well things are going pretty well, as I expected. No real issues yet. The biggest thing I notice now (aside form my grocery bill seeming to skyrocket, but that is probably not a direct correlation) is that Katie is simply trying too much, too hard. Jumping into as much as she can, always wanting to help and do everything with everybody.

At our first family meeting on Sunday we discussed this a bit - the fact that she needs to build the relationships back with her brothers, and not just jump into them going full speed ahead.

She is getting involved with her church, and that should be a good thing. She has put in several job applications, also a good thing. So we just keep going for now.

Long time no post

2008-07-23T11:33:00.002-05:00

I've never been one for journaling, writing in a diary, or keeping track of every bit of food that goes in my mouth and writing in this blog is no different. That's why Mike has written the bulk of entries here.

But right now, Mike is in a car with Katie, heading to the Vegas airport. I've talked with both of them. She said she cried a bit, mostly because she couldn't say goodbye. But she's excited to be coming home, excited to see the boys and Scout. I told her I hope we can have a fresh start and things will go well.

Mike did give her our home contract and she has read it and understands there are new rules to live by.

I didn't sleep well last night. I think I turned off the tv sometime after 3am when Girl, Interuppted was just finishing on HBO. Very apropos, I guess. I am worried that Katie will go back to old ways, and so will I. Mike reminds me that we have more "tools" to use now and we are much stronger as a couple and as a family. I agree, but I still worry. I know she's not "fixed", I know there will be ups and downs. I just really hope that if she chooses to not follow the rules and has to leave the house that she doesn't start cutting, or actually follow thru with her threat of suicide -- which I truly feel was always just a cry for help. Though I know we can't make her do anything anymore, things are HER choices, I would still feel horrible.

I will not hold any past grudges, I am willing to make this a fresh start. The boys, however, are having some problems. There is a lot of anger there towards her, money spent on her that could have been spent for family vacations or other things. They just don't understand why she wouldn't just do what needs to be done and get out of there as soon as she could instead of just sitting there for 3 years. And no one can really answer those things except her. And I have a feeling that those questions will be posed to her in the coming days.

The boys have already tried the "well, I'm sleeping at so-and-so's house on Wednesday night" trick, but we said no, they will welcome her home. It's not a celebration, as it could and should have been, but we will ALL start with a clean slate. Yes, there will be more rules for awhile, and more accountability will be held, but they are going to be alright.

The oldest even said he wishes he could get into his apartment sooner so he just wouldn't have to be around her at all. And I understand his thoughts on this because he's the one that has gotten to talk with her the most and he is the one that she has really ripped into the most, both on the phone and through letters. And he says he's not holding back when she gets home. He will not put up with her trying to push her "program" onto him. I told him I understand but to try to just welcome her home with an open mind and give her a chance.

It's going to be interesting! Stay tuned.
-D

T - 44 hours and counting

2008-07-21T12:54:00.002-05:00

I leave at 10 tomorrow morning, and will get into Vegas about 2:30 MDT (gaining 2 hours). Then the 2 hour drive to Utah.

I will be at the school at 8:00 am on Wednesday, and our flight out of Vegas it about 3 pm, so I'm hoping to leave by 11, and that shouldn't be a problem. 'B' plans on meeting with Katie and I, and they will get her stuff for us to pack up, and we are out of there. No goodbyes or anything - because we are pulling her we are effectively cut off from the program.

After almost three years, $150, we run out of money and that is it. No support, no access to the BBS, no more seminars, nothing. No reunion keys, no staffing. I don't like it, but it is our choice.

I am not happy about the lack of support for any transition plan from them, but am very grateful for the support we have gotten from local familes we have met through the program. I had really hoped to hav gotten past PC III, to see what we could learn there, and get the free family coaching. But none of that - in 44 hours we are on our own.

We have a home contract, and I think it will work. Her older brother has been working on her room - though he will be VERY busy the next two days to get it cleaned out completely - he had wanted it done last week but as is typical is waiting to the very last minute.

I'm taking Thursday off work since it is her first day home, to help a little with the transition. I have no idea how many clothes she will have from the school - I know she only has one other outfit, that we bought here during our pass before Christmas last year. So that is one of the first things - to get her clothes because after all, she has lost about 30 lbs since she was home over three years ago.

It will be a big change having her home - she hasn't lived here for the past 39 months (except for one week, she left in May of 2005).

I have to hope for the best, and stay strong and live by our values.

T -6 and counting

2008-07-17T07:15:00.003-05:00

We had what was our last weekly therapy call last night - a day early due to a scheduling conflict with 'B' the therapist. It didn't go so great. It surprises me how quick she has wanted to take her exit plan, not two weeks after committing to stay. I'm real curious as to her reaction next Wednesday when she sees me there to bring her home.

One of the girls who was in her group and graduated in March is back in the program - a bit of a disappointment because when I met her she seemed to be doing so well. So even those who graduate don't always work out, and sometimes those who don't graduate do.

Katie also said that she overdid basketball practice on Tuesday, and then fell out of the top bunk and hurt her leg, and is now on crutches. I told 'S', the family rep, to go ahead and let her see the doctor to make sure nothing is really wrong, but this so much seems to be her old behavior.

There is so much to do before I leave on Tuesday, right now it feels overwhelming.

Not much going on

2008-07-07T07:30:00.002-05:00

I feel like we are just marking time, waiting. Some things are going on, but not really too much.

There is a couple we met at the seminars locally here, and Diane and I had dinner with her a few weeks ago to talk about Katie coming home (their son graduated close to two years ago from another school). Then this weekend I had dinner with her again and a really good conversation, including her giving me a copy of her son's contract so we have an idea on what to start with.

Diane dropped off Katie's two younger brothers at the Leadership camp in California yesterday, so I hope that goes well for them - I hope it is both fun and a learning experience for them.

That also means I'm a bachelor for the week - what fun! I hope to start working on the home contract this week.

On our call on Thursday (Katie's 18th birthday as well) things went pretty well. She got support to be back fully on level 3, and chose not to vote up this week until she can show some consistency first - a good sign. Of course now she is working again, once the clock is really ticking.

16 days to go.

Wow - 200!

2008-06-19T10:04:00.002-05:00

Not quit up to the 'We Are Spartans!' level, but 200 posts is something I guess. I almost missed it in fact - I was checking the URL for someone (hoping to get that elusive third reader!) and realized I was at 199!

Time to reflect a bit I guess.

It has been a little less than four years since the troubles really began with Katie. Therapy, three inpatient trips to local hospital teen programs, the summer with her mother, and then moving her to the school. Ups and downs there, but most of it being her resistance to the program - she is nothing if not stubborn.

Diane and I were given a great gift in the adult seminars, graduating Discovery, Focus, and the Keys to Success to become Keyholders, though because the actual 'keys' are now given out only at PC IV we will never receive ours. Giving her brothers the opportunity to go to Discovery, and Focus for the younger ones (coming up next month at the Youth Leadership Camp they will be attending) will, I hope, help them as they get older.

I do believe that Katie would have only have gotten in more trouble had we not sent her to the program. I do fear that she would have gotten pregnant, and probably gotten into drugs, as well as much more alcohol. And she could have ended up dead.

Have we stopped that? I dunno. Postponed it definitely. We have tried to give her tools to live her life, and she has fought us on that. She will not graduate the program, but that is her choice. She will have spent exactly 34 months there when I pick her up - not the longest stay by any means, but way past any 'average', if that existed.

I hope that someone has been able to benefit from my ramblings here. I have tried to be open and honest about what we are going through - just for other parents who might be going through the same thing. I plan to continue to update this, though I don't know the frequency (and eventually she will be on her own, one way or another, and there will be nothing left on my part but the worrying).

So thanks to anyone who has joined us for this journey, and it continues on.

Firming up plans

2008-06-18T07:11:00.003-05:00

I bought the airline tickets yesterday to go pick up Katie. While not the appropriate blog for it, I am amazed at how some airlines price things - wanting to charge more for a one-way ticket than for a roundtrip!

Anyway, I fly out on July 22nd and back with her on the 23rd. Our flight out of Las Vegas is at 3, and it is a two hour drive (plus time change in our favor), so we will have to be out of there no later than noon, preferably by 11:00 am. Since I get in early enough to actually get some sleep (I get into Vegas a little afte 2 on Tuesday, putting me in Utah easily by 6 (as opposed to getting in at 12:30 am as one flight had it - putting me in Utah just in time for dawn!)) then I can be at the school first thing - I'm not sure how long it will take. So the countdown begins. 15 days until she turns 18, 35 days until she is home.

One thing we have to do is get them an exit plan for when she turns 18 - if she decides to just up an leave. We don't want to tell her we are picking her up - but I really don't want to end up having to get last minute bus tickets a week before the flight, and waste the airline tickets.

We have to get her room ready - her older brother is in it for the summer, and we need to clean his stuff out and make room for her. He moves into an apartment in August, so will have about three weeks of bunking with his younger brother.

This is going to take some adjustment. She hasn't lived at home since she left in May of 2005 - she will have been gone (except for one week) for 38 months, 34 of them in the program). A cost of roughly $150K. And that doesn't include any of the travel or seminar costs for Diane and I. A big part of me wonders if it was worth it. Is worth it - I'll be paying on the student loans for the next 30 years - which is basically the rest of my life. But I guess the real question is what would have happened if we hadn't done this?

Change in plans / expectations

2008-06-02T07:21:00.002-05:00

After our call with 'S' last week, Diane and I have talked a bit. It really looks like that we won't be doing PC III in June, and I'm feeling now that even if she were to make level 4 I don't want her special case'd in. I think that she has gotten all she is going to get out of the school. One more month won't make any difference, except for costing us money we truly don't have.

So we are going to talk to 'B' on Thursday as normal, but our plans have changed. Katie turns 18 a month from tomorrow. We are paid up through July 22nd - but we are probably going to go get her the weekend before that. I just don't see where spending another 4200 bucks for another month will make any difference - and we can use that to instead actually play for the tickets out there to get her, as well as get her a new wardrobe (she has lost 30 lbs, and it has been three years since she was home, so when we cleaned out her room we basically didn't keep ANY of her old clothes (or much of anything else)).

I'm a bit bothered that Diane and I will never receive our Keys as Keyholders since they have now moved that to PC IV, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about that either.

We talked with one of our keys family members this weekend whose son graduated from another school, and that helped a bit as well. So it looks like probably 7 weeks to go. Of course that assumes she doesn't decide to walk out on her birthday, but I don't see that happening. If she does, it will be a bus ticket home for her, but otherwise pretty much the same plan.

We are going to work up a contract, and will make it clear that she can either follow our rules or live somewhere else. There will be some simple no-tolerance points (such as violence, cutting, etc), but it is the little ones that are more difficult that we need to work on the next few weeks.

It doesn't seem to be getting any easier

2008-05-23T14:14:00.004-05:00

I've been very frustrated lately. Katie is still not working like she should, and it has been 32 months as of today. She, of course, doesn't know that she only has three months left there before all our money is gone.

Right now it really looks like we will be going to PC III in June, though she won't have fully earned it. To fully earn it she has to be level 5 by next week, and she is still at 3. However when we talked with 'B' last night before she was on the call he said that it would probably be much better for us to do it in June instead of August, as if we did it in August then we would bring her home immediately afterward, which would not be good.

I haven't been writing much ( and haven't gotten many letters either), and again she called me on that. I'm bothered, both by the fact that I am not wanting to write much, and by the idea of her calling me on this, when she has been sitting there for so long.

At one point she asked about my expectations, and I said that I gave up any expectations long ago - letting this be her program. It came through that any expectations had been missed quite some time ago though. She is getting real concerned about turning 18, and asked what our plans were. In response I simply asked if I had every said anything to her other than that she has to graduate, and she said no.

I'm a bit concerned about her coming home, but it is still three months off, and I haven't really worked it up in my head yet. Her older brother moves into his first apartment the weekend before that.

To top things off, it appears that AirTran has stopped their non-stop flights between Dayton and Vegas - which is a real bummer, because that means the airline tickets we are going to need for that this summer may be twice as much as we were expecting - could be close to a thousand for a pair - OUCH!!!

Another heavy sigh

2008-05-08T19:28:00.002-05:00

We had our call with Katie and B again tonight, and unfortunately it wasn't a good or happy one. She is once again not working, and once again falling into the same old patterns. It gets very frustrating dealing with the same thing over and over again.

The irony is that it isn't big things, but her responses to them. She now claims to be writing a novel - which is an excuse to not be working. She tried to manipulate several people today in order to check out a book from the library, after she had already gone for the day. Dumb, stupid little things. And then denying she did them.

*sigh*

All shook up

2008-04-18T05:49:00.003-05:00

Did I really feel the earthquake last night? I don't remember what time it was, but I do remember at one point waking up and feeling like the bed was shaking slightly, kind of like when you are shaking your foot when it hangs off he bed. Weird I guess.

The monkeys are still there, but lately I've been on other fire drills, which ends up meaning that I'm doing other aspects of their jobs for them. Been a very frustrating week. A whole lot of 'No time to research, just fix it NOW!" Do it fast, don't do it right, but you better not screw it up. So I've been a bit more frustrated with the gorillas than the monkeys.

Not much news

2008-04-18T05:45:00.002-05:00

Nothing seems to really be going on lately. Katie made level 3 last week, and she has worn out her socks and underwear, as well as the shoes we bought her when she was on pass in December.

It feels lately just like a 'been there - done that' with her. Yes, she is working now, but she has been before as well. I feel the clock ticking, and am just wondering if there will be any real difference in the next few months.

We talked with 'S' and mentioned again that we are out of money in August, and my goal anymore is to get her to PC III and get a life contract (at least the base of it) to use when she comes home.

Working again

2008-04-04T09:42:00.001-05:00

We talked with 'S' last night, who unfortunately isn't feeling well. Katie is in the vote up book for level 3, meaning that all she needs is staff support and she will get it.

She seems to be working again, though still really struggling with her Algebra, and I am concerned about that.

She has now decided that she wants to go into music in college, and go to Julliard. It is very hard to be supportive of unrealistic goals.

Not much else happening right now.

Minor update, not much to say

2008-03-28T07:13:00.001-05:00

Phone call with Katie yesterday. It started pleasant enough, but we eventually dug a bit deeper and defintiely got her a but more uncomfortable. It seems so easy for her to say she is going to work on this or that - so we challenged her to now work on things, but to DO them. Not to work on voting up to level 3 next week, but to DO IT.
I'm a pure geek. So in the words of Yoda, there is no try. There is do or do not.
Now is the time to do it.
She has decideded that she probably won't make PC III in April - we had to correct her that there was no probably - she did not qualify at all for it. She has decided she is now shooting for October graduation. I honestly don't see that happening, though there is a slight chance. My goal is to get some type of home contract started for when the money is gone in August.
*sigh*

Sacrifices

2008-03-21T07:42:00.002-05:00

That is one thing that does happen with this program, or so it seems to me.

The most obvious one is, of course, the cost. For those of use who aren't independantly wealthy, or are just middle class, the cost si significant. $4300 a month - for 30 months now. Five more now to go. The loan payments are close to breaking us.

Of course, then there are the seminars. Those cost both time and money. I don't regret them at all, but it does seem to me that they have a knack for falling when I have other plans. I had gotten concert tickets for my birthday years ago, that I had to sell because Discovery was that weekend. We just found out the dates for June's PCIII, which is what we are really hoping Katie will make. And it is the exact same time as the Origins gaming convention that I go to every year. I guess it is good that I haven't bought the very expensive 4 day passes there yet - because they are non-refundable. Of course we won't know if she is going until the end of May, so everything is up in the air completely. I haven't told her brothers yet - one has scout camp that week anyway so can't go, but the other two were hoping to go (and now the oldest will probably have to pick the youngest up from scout camp as well - good thing he has his driver's license finally!)

I sound petty, self centered and greedy, but there does come a time when you don't want to keep giving up things for your children - or even more, sacrificing something for one child for another. And it isn't short term either - the financial sacrifices will be ongoing for the next what, 28 years? Katie will be older that I am now before I have her loans paid off.

Being a parent is hard, I know that. But one of the keys to being a good parent is showing your children how to be well adjusted adults. Unfortunately sacrificing for your children doesn't always show that - very often it shows a child that everyone should sacrifice for them, rather than showing that people should sacrifice for others (indulging kids gives you spoiled adults, it does not give adults who indulge their own kids).

I guess I'm just venting.

Like pulling teeth

2008-03-13T12:20:00.001-05:00

Actually that isn't quite accurate - it was pulling teeth. Specifically Katie's wisdom teeth.
They have been bothering her for some time. When they first started to come in we tried to wait, hoping she would be home to have them out. Yeah. :-)
So on our call three weeks ago 'S' tells me that they are really hurting her, so I say go ahead, and 'S' says she will send me the information to get the billing set up. Two weeks later, 'S' is sick but emails me, saying we really need to get this set up, and FINALLY sends the dr. information. So I call them on Friday, get the forms, fax them back, and send 'S' an email Monday morning saying everything is good to go, and she says she will make the appointment.
Of course, the next thing I expected would be to hear when things were scheduled. Not an unreasonable expectation from my point of view. This is my daughter after all, and it does require general anesthesia, so there is some minor risk. Just a quick one-line email giving the time of the appointment, or a 30 second call. When I don't hear anything back immediately, I'm not at all concerned - I know how long it takes to get in anywhere around here - usually several weeks out at best.
So I get a call at lunch today. From the oral surgeon's office. No, it wasn't any question about her appointment, or billing or anything. It was letting me know that the extractions had gone fine and she was recovering well! WTF!?! I took it in stride, she is doing great. Like a duck.
So is it unreasonable to expect them to let me know AHEAD OF TIME when my daughter is going in for non-emergency surgery? Am I out of line here? I'm not one to worry, but I do like to be informed.
It isn't like I hadn't heard from 'S' this week. I sent her and ben an email detailing the financial information. Because I feel that we are all on the same team, all working together, and to do that we need clear and open communication. But it seems that I may be the only one who feels that way.
Now this week would be our call with 'B, but he is out this week, so we had it last week. After two and a half years I've learned that they aren't very pro-active on the communication front there, but I feel this is rather ridiculous.
I haven't decided if I'm going to call 'S', or just wait to see if she can find the time in her busy schedule to bother letting me know that my daughter had surgery and came through it fine.
(Would have been nice to have been able to send her a get well card that had a snowballs chance to get there before she was fully recovered as well, since snail mail takes at least a week to get there and even longer to get back here).

And here I thought I wouldn't have anything to update my blog with this week :-)

No Soup For You!!!

2008-03-10T19:45:00.002-05:00

Well we heard back from Teen Help - and to paraphrase the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld - No Loan for You!

I have to look at this in a slightly positive way - we are having a very hard making the payments we currently have, let alone more.

Now comes the time to empty Diane's IRA - that will hurt come tax time but I feel it is important that we get Katie to 18 at least. It is funny, we like to joke that we can never afford to retire - but that isn't funny anymore.

With the next PC III being April 14th, it would mean that Katie would have to be level 5 by Friday to make it, and if things went well she made level 2 today. So that is out. Which means maybe PC III in June.

So at this point I really doubt we will be able to keep her in until she can graduate, as the earliest she could would be October, and that would be without any further hiccups, and I really doubt that would be a possibility. Most likely she will be coming home in time to start her senior year - that would make the most sense to have her here in time for school to start.

Update

2008-03-07T13:33:00.002-05:00

We had our call with Katie last night - 'B' will be on vacation next week, so we switched. It went ok - nothing huge. Still level 1, but maybe 2 next week. One thing is that she is learning to do some self-analysis - kind of doing therapy sessions with herself instead of a therapist. This is actually a good, and powerful thing, and I view it as progress.

Her wisdom teeth are really bothering her, so I need to call the oral surgeon in a little bit and get that arranged. We were hoping they would hold out until she was home, but that isn't to be.

As for the loan, we are working on re-submitting co-signed by my dad (thanks mom & dad) - we'll see what happens then.

Oliver

2008-03-04T16:19:00.002-05:00

The parallels to Oliver are even worse this time.

"Please sir, may I have some more?"

"NO", and then the beating begin.

No loan. I called "aunt sallie" and they aren't even sure why they turned it down, but will try to get more information. So I need to call them back on Friday to see why they decided that I make enough, but don't have enough of a credit history to get this loan.

So now we see if we can get a co-signer. From Oliver to Animal House.
*WHACK*
"Thank you sir, may I have another?"
*WHACK*

Frustrated and worried

2008-03-02T22:38:00.002-05:00

I got a letter from Sallie Mae this weekend, saying that they turned us down for the next loan claiming "Limited credit experience". WTF!?! What the hell is that? Don't give me that I don't have a long enough credit history - heck I've had loans with them for 18 months, plus the other student loan, my friggin house and car (paid off), and credit cards. I could see them saying that it was too much, over extended or one of the other reasons, but I don't know what this one means.

So I'm worried and concerned. I need to talk to the guy helping us at Teen Help to see what to do next. Do we try to get a co-signer - and who? Does we try with someone else (the first loan isn't with Sallie Mae, so that isn't the only option out there)?

If we can't get the loan at all, then what? Katie is currently paid up to March 22nd, and we have just a tiny bit ($640) over, which would be what - four more days? Diane and I both have our 401-K's, which are a possibility. If we were to close out Diane's then that would be real close to covering the next six months. I feel guilty about asking that while leaving mine alone. However I still have the company match going into mine, and she doesn't. My company changed their 401-k provider and policy to only allow for 1 loan - which I already have. So I'd have to take a withdrawal (and it is allowed for tuition). However I'd have to stop putting in for six months if I did that, and lose the company match I get for that (which would be about $3k), making it an even bigger hit.

So I talk to our guy tomorrow, and then see. I so hate this waiting and not knowing. I really don't want to have to pull her. Even if we waited until she was 18 and then we pulled her at least then it wouldn't feel so bad. Especially since if we had to pull her now she would be back in the house and we wouldn't have a choice.

At 18 we could do an exit plan and life contract of some sort. I really was hoping we could at least get through PC III anymore to get the life contract started, even if we couldn't keep her there until graduation.

I just don't know anymore.

Out of orange, again.

2008-02-21T22:50:00.001-05:00

Well, for what seems to be the zillionth :-) time Katie is out of orange. I had our call with 'S', and she is still working. She is thinking she wants to make PC III in April, but June is much more doable. But at least she is working.

Unfortunately, her wisdom teeth are really bothering her now, so I guess it is time for them to go. I had been hoping that they would wait until she got home, but we can all see that my hopes lately are pretty irrelevent to the real world :-).

I sent in my load application for another six months on Wednesday, now it is just a matter of waiting. I hate the wait. *sigh*

*smack*
Thanks you sir, may I have another?
*smack*

Three steps forward, two steps back

2008-02-15T12:59:00.001-05:00

We had our call last night (actually Diane wasn't on it, she was still in Vegas at a convention she attended after PC II). It was good. Katie is very positive about being in Orange, and seems to be willing to start working. She has been trying this week to be very diligent about her integrity - the question for me is can/will she keep it up?

I just take some comfort in that each time she slips, she doesn't seem to slip quite as far back as she did the previous time. Kind of a three steps forward, two steps back type of thing.

PC II

2008-02-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

Well, we did PC II this weekend. It was a very strong, powerful seminar, and I think it did a lot of good. Unfortunately Katie was back in some of her old patterns, and these definitely came out. Specifically breaking rules, and then trying to hide the fact. Most of the things were, in her words, "Stupid little stuff" - but it was more the fact that she was trying to hide it than what she was doing.

So she was given the opportunity to show everyone there what a "come clean" looks like, but didn't do it, at least not in the large group. But she is doing it - part of it will include a full letter of all the little things.

The question is how will she handle it now? How will she deal with being back in Orange? Will she turn it around and work to get back where she was? Or will she sit.

Unfortunately, to make the next PC III she would have to be voted up a level EVERY week for the next month, and I just don't think she will. She would have to be at level 5 for four weeks for the seminar. Since you are supposed to be at level 4 for PC II that isn't that hard, but since she had dropped just before the seminar to level 2, and now is back in orange, well we will just see.

It is a bit disheartening for me, to be able to see a big difference in her, yet still find her not fully working the program.

Getting Ready for PC II

2008-02-06T18:41:00.000-05:00

Well, I talked briefly with 'S' this afternoon. Instead of going up to get off Jeopardy on Monday, Katie instead dropped to level 2. She did vote back up to level 3 today however. But that means she won't be going to the last basketball game tomorrow, so we won't be driving the extra hour up and back to go to it. But we are still on for PC II.

'S' says that Katie has a lot of things to talk with us about - oh boy! :-)

She then called me back asking about Katie's meds. We save quite a bit (though with the insurance changes every year it is less than it was) doing mail order for meds, so they have been forwarding the scripts. Unfortunately, even though the script was dated 1/4/08 we didn't get it until this weekend, and of course we haven't gotten the new pills in yet. So they will have to go and try to get a few weeks or so - that is more wonderful news.

I do get frustrated that they seem to lose track of some of these things (I don't think it took a month to get the script here in the mail). But then, it is only money, not like that is a big deal for anybody!

But I guess using sarcasm is just hiding a bit of anger and frustration on my part.

Good / Fun call

2008-02-01T08:54:00.001-05:00

We had our call with Katie and the therapist 'B' last night, and it was both working and fun. She is still on Jeopardy, and we discussed that. We talked a bit about emotions, and Katie was saying that she would feel something then mentally yell at herself because the feelings were irrational.

I talked about that, saying myself that ALL feelings are irrational, by definition. Emotions are not rational, they simply are. That is one of the differences between thought and feeling - feelings are never rational, though is something that we do try to be rational. It is these two factors that should be in balance - and they are both part of being human.

So we processed not that her feelings were irrational, but more of why she was having these feelings come up, especially because there is a new girl in the group who strongly reminds her of one of her old, non-working friends. I think we made some good progress there.

We then got pretty far off track (the fun part actually) just discussing some of the 'facts of life' and the fact that she is quickly approaching 18, and yes is starting to notice more things in boys (and men) (such as how certain men smell good, and some of the biology about that (and the fact the teenage boys do stink - another fact of biology (and (at least for three more weeks) I have three teenage boys, so I can vouch for that fact (my oldest turns 20 on the 19th))).

It was a good call. We are really looking forward to PC II next week, and she has no idea we are coming - even better. I'll have to get my head back in seminar mode however - haven't done that in quite a while as well.

No Pass for You

2008-01-28T16:51:00.000-05:00

Well, Katie is still on Jeopardy. She might get off before PC II, we don't know at this point. So she might still have some sort of pass, but as of right now she doesn't.

So I'm booking my return flight for Monday from PCII. If she does earn a pass then we can do one day on Sunday (why take a red-eye Sunday night if I'm still going to miss work on Monday anway, when I can take a non-stop during the day?).

First call

2008-01-28T08:41:00.000-05:00

We had our first call with 'S' on Friday, and she was very nice. While we are going to miss 'A', 'S' does seem to be on the ball.

Katie is going to go up to get off of Jeopardy today, and 'S' says that she has been working hard, though still has some honesty issues and the rebuilding of trust to work on . We are set for PC II in less than two weeks, but still don't know if Katie has earned another pass with that or not ('S' is supposed to find out this morning on that).

It also turns out that the last regular season basketball game for the girls is on the night we fly out, so we also are having her check to see if it is ok if we go to it (we probably won't be able to make the freshman game (at least not all of it), but should be able to be there for all of the varsity game). I don't know if Katie has been going to any of the away games as manager, or if she will be there at all. Still, it isn't like we have anything else to do that evening before PC II anyway (though I have seen some people talking about meeting at a local restaurant).

firming up plans

2008-01-24T13:36:00.000-05:00

Some changes. I don't remember (and I'm too lazy to check) if I mentioned, but we have a new family rep now - 'S'. 'A' didn't leave, but is now doing staff instead. She will be missed.

We actually have our first real call with 'S' tomorrow night, but I did talk with her briefly yesterday, to find out the status on Katie and the next seminar. She is still in Jeopardy, and still not supported for level 5, so no PC III. Instead we will do PC II the weekend before.

Not completely bad news, though not good. We had other plans on the PC III weekend, so we can now do them. What it does mean is at best we could do PC III in April, which would put, at best, PC IV in August. Of course, throughout this entire time, when has anything worked out under the best case?

What we still have to find out tomorrow night is if she gets another pass with PC II. If so then we could do the two days (Sun-Mon) afterward. Diane has her realtor's convention on that Tuesday, so she has to be back in Vegas for that, and I'll fly hom then. If she doesn't have a pass then I'll fly home on Monday.

But we did get cheap flights out (though I haven't booked mine back yet, as I don't know which day I'm returning), and I don't think we will need a room for her, as she won't be at level 5 so she won't be staying overnight with us.

We are also going to ask about going to the last girls basketball game - it is away about an hour north from her school. I don't know if it would be an issue, or if she would even go. Making the freshman game will be a bit of a rush - we basically would have to go straight there from the airport and not loose much time getting out of Vegas (arrive 1 pm, lose and hour, drive for 3 - that is the start time of the game). But then she isn't with the freshman, she is a manager for the varsity team anyway. But we have to ask 'S' about that as well.

Songs in my head

2008-01-18T08:34:00.001-05:00

Lately it seems like I constantly have songs running through my head - like someone has picked a soundtrack for my life, but it constantly gets stuck for hours at a time (even in my sleep). So last night on our call with 'B' another one hit, and I almost laughed out loud (and it wasn't funny).

Katie is on Jeopardy (and no, it isn't the Jeopardy theme, but the Greg Kihn song ("Our loves in Jeopardy"), or even worse, the Weird Al Parody ("I lost on Jeopardy") right now.
A part of me should feel frustrated (not about the music going on over and over and over again in my head) because there is a good chance we won't be doing PC III next month now, instead doing PC II a week earlier. Which of course would mean at least 2 more months before a possible graduation. But I'm not, because learning to deal with these setbacks is exactly what she needs.

I am frustrated because I hate being in this limbo state of not knowing what is going to happen, not being able to plan (and in this case not being able to book our flights). But in a way I'm almost relieved, because it has been so long since we did PC I (back in April of 2006), doing PC II wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Ben suggested the possibility of doing both, but we just can't swing that (it would mean us being out there for almost 2 weeks, and there just isn't any way we can afford that, nor can leave Katie's two brothers home for that length of time at once (they are good boys, but even so 4-6 days is quite a bit, evne with people checking in on them (and we have no relatives around either, except their older brother who can't just take a couple weeks off from college))). And we don't know if she would have a pass with PC II like she will with PC III.
So still we wait. We will call Ben mid-week next week to get a final determination, as we will run up against that wonderful 14-day advance purchase limitation to get out there.

So I don't see this as a bad thing, either way. But I do want it to be settled, that is where my frustrations are right now.

More progress

2008-01-08T08:02:00.001-05:00

We talked with 'A' last night - she had to reschedule our normal call. Still good all around - Katie is on manor service, and only needs a little over 200 more points for level 5 - she is hoping to go up next week. So it really looks like we will be doing PC III in February.

I didn't realize that the pass with PC III was an overnight one. Right now it looks like we would just do two days though - with travel and all even that is pushing it for the amount that we can be gone. I laughed though, because for the first time CC's scheduling is actually in our favor, slightly. Diane has a conference in Vegas right before PC III, so the night before I have to drive back there to pick her up (I'm hoping to come in a couple of days early for the pass). Having to have Katie back by 8 pm the night before works out well for us then!

Now we just have to get final confirmation next week that she is eligible so we can actually book the flights etc. And figure out how to pay for them of course. That is not getting any easier.

New Year, good start

2008-01-04T08:50:00.000-05:00

We had our weelky call with Katie and 'B' last night. Diane and I laughed a bit, because Katie comes in and says she has to cut the call short (to about 20 minutes) because of the basketball game. We both immediately responded that we should then whine about it for 15 minutes - and Katie immediately caught it and said NO! We didn't of course, but it was fun turning that table on her (and it actually worked out fine for us as we had dinner reservations anyway for Diane's Birthday).

The call was really good, going over her pass as well as her new years goals. She was commended on them by both 'B' and 'A' because instead of the 3 or 4 pages of junk she usually did she simply had a few, straightforward concise goals.

We talked a bit about how realistic they were - she is saying she wants to graduate high school there - but that would mean she needs something like 9 more credits after what she is already taking now, and we said that just wasn't realistic. What would be realistic is for her to complete her junior year by this summer, so that when she gets out she will be where she should be in school.

She has started the 18 year old meetings, and is staffing the pre-discovery meetings. She is also working on her points, and she thinks she can go up for level 5 next week (she should be able to be voted up and just wait to complete the staffing). Angie said we should know by the 15th if she is going to make it for PC III in February.

It is such a change to start talking about her actually coming home. We have not wavered on our committment, but she is really working to make PC IV in June. One way or the other she will be out of there in about 9 months (at most) (either graduating in June or August, or because she turns 18 in July and leaves, or the last loan (assuming we get it) runs out at the end of the September).

Weekly update

2007-12-28T08:27:00.000-05:00

I had a call with 'A' last night, and Katie is still doing well. She is still a little over excited after the pass, and they are watching that to make sure it doesn't go back into old patterns.

Looks like we will know by January 15th if she is going to be level 5 in time for PC3 in February, or we will be doing PC2 the weekend before instead. One thing is that PC2/3 comes with another 3 day pass - and there really isn't any way we can do that as well - that would actually put us gone for 8 days (3 days for the seminar, 3 for the pass, 2 for travel). Not really doable, though we will look into maybe adding a day before/after for a pass.

Katie has over 1000 pts (needs 1600), and needs her staffing credit, which they are going to schedule for her this week I believe, and then support for level 5 of course.

We are going to talk again after the PC about putting her through the opposite side of the process that she was on before. This is where other girls were going into Orange for things she did - now we want to have her go into Orange for what someone else does. I see this as beneficial for two reasons - the first and most important is to make sure she can deal with setbacks. So far every time she has hit a bump in the road she has completely derailed and blown it, and we want to make sure she can handle this. The second is to simply give her a chance to see the other side. I mentioned to 'A' that you do learn a lot being on the other side of any process, and she agreed.

'A' went and checked Katie's weight - she is currently 240, down 31 lbs since she came in. Not the 175 she claimed, which we knew was not realistic, but still that is good. I think she may have grown a bit taller as well, as she is big but not huge. When Katie and Diane went shopping for some jeans she was able to find and fit a pair of 20's right off the wrack - which she had never been able to do before.

We also talked about the religion issue a bit, and Katie had led 'A' to believe that we were Mormon - she never told her that it was just her mom, and she had just been baptised in the Mormon church right a month or so before she got there, and that only a few months after being baptised in the Baptist church.

So a good call, and more progress.

Back at Home

2007-12-26T10:20:00.001-05:00

We are home, and I'm back at work (such fun), but luckily it is always very slow between Christmas and New Year here.

The pass with Katlyn went great! She and Diane had a real nice girls time, doing some shopping for her. Katie was so happy to be able to go and pick a pair of jeans right off the rack and have them fit without problems! I'm going to have 'A' check to see exactly how much weight she has lost in the program - Katie is saying 175 lbs but that is not realistic (it would mean that she was either over 350 going in, or is now less than 125, and neither of those is true).

We had some good conversations, and even had the opportunity to deal with some issues at the St. George mall, which was good. One thing that was very powerful, which we almost forgot but remembered Sunday afternoon, was for Katie to do an exercise with letting go of her mother. She wrote her a letter, then tied it to a balloon and released it. A lot of tears, but watching it float off into the moonlight was pretty powerful, and she said that she really felt like a bit burden was lifted from her.

We managed to do just about everything on her list for her pass, including all the food all the girls wanted her to eat for them (with pictures for her to show them!). She said that all the girls were so excited to smell the chlorine in her hair when she went back on Saturday night after we had gone swimming!

Then it was over. All to quick, but a very good visit. We can actually see the beautiful young woman that would be welcome back in our home in the future.

Now we just hope this inspires her to keep working.

Mid Pass Update

2007-12-22T12:15:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in our hotel room in the metropolis of Hurricane, UT, trying to keep from eating some of the snacks we brought. Katie and Diane are out having some girl time - doing some shopping and getting their hair done.

The pass is going very well. 'A' brought Katie down yesterday morning, and she was really surprised to see us. She came down with a friend she has made here - a very sweet girl a little younger than she is who just got voted up to level 6 and is working on graduating, probably in February. We went to breakfast and then drove up to check out where Zion National Park was and get some pictures from the La Verkin overlook (the temperature isn't too cold, but the wind was pretty chilly). I was worried about getting back in time (I hate unfamiliar areas), and ended up getting a speeding ticket on the way back - and of course was only a couple of miles away at that point and still we were a little early.

We went to a group session, and all the girls in Katie's group were so sweet and all wanted to talk to us and get/give hugs. At times it is really hard to picture them (and Katie as well) in the behaviours that got them there - they all seem so sweet and wonderful when you meet them.

We caught a movie (ps. I love you) - a real chick flick and Katie was just crying through the last half of it - but she really liked it. Then dinner and back for the evening. We picked her up this morning and they are now off doing their thing.

So things are going well. 'B' did tell us that to expect yesterday and today (and maybe tomorrow) a 'honeymoon' phase - but we are trying to work on some real issues - which is why it is so important for Katie and Diane to spend time together.

Preparations

2007-12-14T09:21:00.000-05:00

So it is time to get ready. In a week we will see Katie again, for the first time in 14 months, and for her first off-grounds pass. We pick her up at 8:00 am and have to have her back by 8:00 pm for three days. The first day we will be attending one of her group therapy sessions, and then have a family session with the therapist. But after that it is completely up to us. We do have to have a goal for the pass.

That is always one of the frustrations I have with some of the seminars - it is very common to want us to have goals for the seminars when they begin - yet for most of these I have no idea beforehand what the seminar is - so I don't have a way to set a goal for it.

Katie is still doing well. She has only two requirements left to hit level 5 - she has to start staffing other seminars (and they are going to start going over staffing assignments after Christmas), and she needs to earn enough points. Right now she has 1/4 of the points she needs, so she should be on track for both of those to hit level 5 in time for PC III in February.

I am trying very hard to not get my hopes up, but she is doing better and has progressed farther than ever before, and there may actually be hope for her to graduate. I don't know what we would do then (having her home again after three years will still be a bit strange, but it is a good problem to have).

Girl Call

2007-12-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

Well this week I didn't talk to Katie, as it was just a call with Diane instead (and with 'B', the therapist there, of course).

I don't feel bad for being excluded. Not at all. I know when I'm not wanted. *sniff*

:-) :-) :-) :-)

Diane said it went well, if a little 'light'.

We are a little concerned that she got 3 cat 3's in one day, and don't even want to think that she could drop and lose the pass. She has done that before, I just so want her to finally be 'getting it' and really working at last.

Plans and worries

2007-11-29T23:23:00.001-05:00

Wow. We had a great call with 'A' tonight. Katie is, for once, doing really, really well. She presented her goals for level 5 in group today, but forgot one so has to do it again. She has been on manor service, and is apparently working very well on it.

And we have our pass scheduled! Not only that, but got fairly good rates on a direct flight to vegas, so it will make the travel that much less stressful. I didn't realize that they don't tell the girls about ANY passes until the last minute, so it will be a slight challenge not to mention anything for the next three weeks. Especially when we have our phone call with her the night before we see her!

The only problem is that all our shopping will have to be done before we leave Ohio, as we won't get home until 10:30 on Christmas Eve. But that is not a bad problem to have.

It looks like we have our choice (given that Katies makes level 5) of going to PC II or PC III in February (these are the new ones - PC II is all new, and PC III replaces the old PC II (and thus PC IV is now graduation)). The weekend for PC II is better for us, but it concerns me that she wouldn't have time left to graduate if we did that (assuming things go well). We just don't have the finances to keep her there longer than 3 years total, and she does turn 18 in July. So we should probably do PCIII in Feb, which could allow her to graduate in June and allow for some slippage before she runs out of time and we run out of money.

Of course, all this assumes that she has truly turned a corner, and won't drop severely (and stay there) yet again. That is what happened the last two times we saw her (for PC I and then for a therapy visit). It is extremely hard to not get excited and get my hopes up.

Celebrations and Frustrations

2007-11-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

We had a very good call with Katie and 'B' tonight - she made Level 4 today!!!! Great news, and she seems to be really working things now.

But I'm facing some personal frustrations - just trying to figure out when we can do a pass to see her now, with the holidays and everything - and nearly every weekend in December is already booked with things that either Diane or I can't change.

And the she is also talking about PC2, which is also great news - except for the weekend when it is scheduled is also something very big for us here. (Our band boosters are bringing in the Comedian Heywood Banks that weekend for a concert, and we are both on the board).
I'm frustrated that everything always seems to be at the last minute, and it feels like any time that cost is mentioned then I just hear about not being a +5 and that if I was then it wouldn't matter.

Part of me feels like when she was home over two years ago, and we would have to drop everything to deal with her.

I also feel frustrated because I feel it is as important for Diane to be there as it is for me, as they have so much more issues to work out between them. And I feel that Diane is apprehensive, and maybe even reluctant, about going out there, when I want her to be more enthusiastic.

Learning Patience

2007-11-16T08:42:00.000-05:00

We had a good call with 'A' last night. Katie got into the vote up book for level 4, however she (again) got too many categories in the week to go up. but she is working harder now than she has before, and seems to be handling things much better.

So we continue to wait for that pass to come. 'A' did say that she expects her to make it to level four by the end of the month, so instead of mailing off her christmas presents we may give them to 'A' in person! But once again that is getting ahead of the game, and one thing Katie said is that she is learning patience - as are we.

One concern I have is about her long term goals, and just how viable they are. Right now she is so stubborn about being a vet, but is still struggling with 9th grade Algebra. I've been a bit worried about her school progress, though that isn't the primary goal here. She has to finish her 9th grade Algebra still, then 10th grade Geometry and she is almost done with 10th grade Biology, and is taking some 11th grade courses. Ideally she would complete all the 11th grade work by the time she left, but who knows now.

However to get into vetrinary school you need strong math skills - and she just doesn't have that. She has so much talent in art and writing, but can't seem to get the idea of working to her strengths into her head. I hate to see her set herself up for disappointment.

First the good news . . .

2007-11-09T08:17:00.000-05:00

We had our therapy call with Katie and 'B' last night. It was a pretty good, working call. First the good news - Katie got support from the group for level 4! However she was not able to go to the high level meeting to get voted up there, apparently she just crossed the Category line (total number) about an hour before the meeting. But she is one step closer - maybe next week.
She started talking about all the feelings she had coming up, of not being worthy and suicide etc. As we explored this, she started talking a little about the basketball team.

I'm still confused about this, but apparently she didn't make the regular team, but she didn't get cut either. She is staying on as the manager, and is basically an alternate for other girls who, for whatever reason, don't have their level to play (level 3 for home games, level 4 for away). As we talked about this, it became pretty clear that she was pretty upset about not really making the team. A lot of it tied in to her weight and tying in her self acceptance to being picked on the team.

So something she was just barely mentioning was hiding a significant issue, and we worked on it a bit. I think we made some progress there.

One other interesting point - she did not know that her poem was in the newsletter! That helped to bring things into perspective - where we each have our own strengths and weaknesses, and while she will never be a star athlete (yes, unfortunately she most likely inherited my amazing *cough* athletic prowess (I was the kid in Junior High who was on the third string of the non-tournament team - and never scored a single basket all season in a game)).

What is a bit frustrating for me is that she can't seem to accept her strengths, and seems to always want to focus on her weaknesses. Things like basketball and being a vet (which requires a lot of math and science, the two subjects she struggles the most in), instead of pursuing her creative (i.e. writing) talents. We even had a discussion with A & B about this a while back, and they talked to all the girls about working on the things they are good at, rather than fighting to do the things they don't have natural aptitudes for.

Not much change

2007-11-02T11:58:00.000-05:00

We talked with 'A' yesterday, and things are pretty much the same. Katie did not go to vote up for level 4 this past week, she says she is going to next week, but we'll see. It is all about what she does anymore, not what she says.

I just found, via the schools support BBS, that they have been putting out a newsletter for the past year - I never knew this before. On checking these - Katie was Student Leader of the Month back in June/July (they only did one that month) for her group - I didn't know that. Plus she has a poem in the October issue - I didn't know that either.

And they have changed the seminars from 3 PC (Parent / Child) seminars to 4 - so we may be eligible for another one any time now - I sent an email to 'A' to check on what was going on with this. I'm a little frustrated and not finding out more of this already, but I'm getting over it.

Good Call

2007-10-26T07:38:00.000-05:00

We had our therapy call with Katie last night. It was good, if interesting.

First, she made level 3, and is actually going up for level 4 next week. Plus she graduated Principles, so I guess (and this was news to me) that we don't have to wait 4 weeks from when she makes level 4 fora pass - the requirements are level 4 + EITHER 4 weeks or graduate principles. So we may have a pass pretty quickly - but I'm not jumping on that yet.

She was very excited and happy, but then we mentioned we might have to cut the call a little short (we were on our way to meet some people to go to the local comedy club to see Heywood Banks, who our band boosters are booking for a fundraiser in February), and she had a bit of a meltdown on the phone. Instant victim mode. She was so concerned about losing any of the call time - and spent half of it crying and upset, feeling like we didn't care about her.

However we were able to work through this, and help her to see he own victim mode and language, and the rest of the call was good. Yes, we had to cut it about 5 minutes short.
She has been writing a lot of poetry lately, which I did at her age as well. She read one, and I felt I did good because I did not go into critique mode, which is what I tend to do anymore with it (probably because I took Creative Writing in college one too many times :-) ). I did talk to her about being able to receive criticism and not to take it personally. I recognized in what she has been writing the pure raw emotion that is so typical of teenagers. She has a huge amount of talent, but it will take a lot of development before she truly gets good.

So the call ended well. In 6 weeks she and Diane are going to have the call with just the two of them - so that could be good.

Some progress

2007-10-19T13:04:00.000-05:00

It looks like our call last week may have had some effect - when we taked with 'A' last night she said that Katie was doing much better this week, working much harder. Apparently even the directory of the facility commented on how she was actually working really hard. She seems to really be enjoying the basketball team, with tryouts at the beginning of the month. She got her vote up in group this week to level 3, and should have it by the staff today. So if she doesn't melt down again then she could actually make the team and play (at least home games). I just hope if she does that she is better than I was at basketball (I sucked back then, and still do now).

I'm not getting any hopes up, but any encouraging news is just that, encouraging. I guess right now I'm waiting for the next stumbling block that gets in her way - the key to if she is really beginning to change is not what she does when it is 'easy', but how she will handle the bad things that WILL happen.

one small step

2007-10-11T07:12:00.001-05:00

We had our call with B and Katie last night, a day early because I guess he is taking today off.
It started pretty normally - i.e. her talking about how she is doing all these things, but not showing any real progress. We started to question her a bit because she was working on some level 5 requirements - and when asked why she was doing that instead of working to get level 3 still, she said she had done all of them for 3 and 4.
So I asked if she had truly done them all, then why didn't she vote up already? If she had done them, then why wasn't she supported.
She started talking about being scared to vote up, and being afraid the responsibility of suceeding. As she tried to explain this, B called her on it, saying that the reasons she was giving weren't adding up. As we dove deeper into this, she actually started to get a little real, and into some territory that was a bit more difficult for her.
So while it didn't start out very well (in my opinion), the call ended up being pretty strong. We are still waiting to see results, but this was a positive step.

not much news

2007-10-05T07:07:00.000-05:00

I had our call with 'A' last night (Diane couldn't be on it, she had to work). Fairly uneventful - things are pretty much the same right now. Katie is showing some slight progress, but nothing spectactular, and in fact nothing we haven't seen before, again and again. This seems to be her current pattern, work the program for a while until she hits a stumbling block, then completely crash and burn.
She did join the basketball team, and is working hard on that. We are not an athletic family at all, so this is a good departure, and the fact that she is working this is good news.
So we continue to wait.

Talking the talk

2007-09-28T08:04:00.001-05:00

We had our therapy call with Katie last night. I have to admit, it didn't have my full attention as the homecoming parade was last night, and we were running a concession stand for it, so I was counting and packing inventory while trying to listen.

She is talking the talk, but then she has done that so many times in the past. I gave her feedback that it wasn't about what she was saying, but what she was going to start doing. She says she wants to go up for level 3 again next week, and has support from all but one girl. So we'll see on that as well.

I also have to come clean and admit that I have not written her in some time - I am just completely out of things to say. I currently have three letters that I have yet to respond to. Part of me feels bad about that, but I still don't know at this point what to write, what to say. It seems that it is all becoming so routine any more - it amazes me that her 2nd anniversary slipped by and I didn't even notice it at the time. It is getting close to a year since we saw her last - but I don't want to spend the money to go out there again until she earns a pass - I don't want to reward her for sitting on her butt.

So did it work?

2007-09-21T07:54:00.000-05:00

We had our call with 'A' last night, and Katie is still out of Orange, and in fact took level 2 this week. She missed support for it by one (to get support they need to have 3 or less 'no' votes, she had 4), but they can always choose to take it without support.

She is, once again, saying a lot of the right things, but the actions may not be supporting them.

She had decided to join the basketball team before, then just did as a manager. She declared this time she would join it and play, but then again only did it as a manager. Some of the girls in the group called her on this, to which she didn't respond well - however a bit later she did come clean, say that yes, she had said she would play, and the next day she was there as a player.

So we are pretty much back where we were before, waiting to see what she is going to do.

Numbers

2007-09-14T12:24:00.000-05:00

We had a pretty rough call with Katie and 'B' last night. Diane wrote up a really good set of numbers that he printed out, one per page, and gave to her as we talked. These were:

720 - Number of days she has been in the program

338 - Numbe of days since we have seen her

125,000 - approximate amount of money we have borrowed to pay for her tuition

1,300 - approximate monthly loan payments - which will be going up

30 - number of years we will be paying for these loans

73 - how old I will be when these are paid off. Retirement - yeah right!

294 - number of days until she is 18 and on her own

'B' added one more:
438,000 - number of minutes I've had to work to pay for her so far.

There wasn't much discussion. We wanted her to think on it first. She was out of orange, but only half the group supported her being out.

Weekly Family Rep call

2007-09-07T13:31:00.000-05:00

With Mike being tied up with Band Booster stuff, I was on the weekly call with "A". Katie is back on Staff Buddy. She was off for a short while last week but I think she said Katie put herself back on it on Monday. The week before Katie was talking about making Level 2 within 2 weeks.

Katie had one day where she was crying a lot and asking to be changed to yet another group. "A" told her that the group was like a family and just because people are mad at her or act frustrated with her does not mean it's better just to leave. And, totally unplanned, the higher-level girls came in from their meeting and one came up to Katie and apologized for being frustrated with her and her actions. She said something like "We love you but are just tired of your actions." Hopefully that will help.

She's not moving too fast on her school work again and is re-reading (how many times is this now?) "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", by Steven Covey. You'd think for how many times she's read this, some of it would be sinking in. It's like she's just reading the words but not absorbing anything.

Before going on staff buddy, the goals she was working on was:
-working on her attitude
-following her process (this was given to her when she chose out of the last seminar. Before she says anything she has to think to herself "Is it honest? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?" But she has totally not done any of it because she thought it was stupid.)
-working on building trust
-get less than 100 demerits and get a self esteem book.

"A" realized that she has to call her on that last one because in something that was written a couple days before these goals she said she was *reading* a self-esteem book. So is she back to telling stories?

I guess Katie has also written a bit about her littlest half-brother Nicholas. We have heard that this boy is not well, but Mike and I don't believe that he's as sick as his ex and Katie say he is. The boys have said he is deaf and he's not real healthy but haven't said anything like what Katie says that he has Lupus -- and then at times she says he's got cancer really bad. Back to her old pattern.

Isn't Lupus an "adult" disease? I didn't think small children were ever diagnosed with that. But I could be making that up as I don't know for sure.

Anyway, Mike and I have an idea for next week's call with "B". Maybe a bit of "shock therapy" for her. No, not the kind with electrodes to the brain and a thing stuck in her mouth so she doesn't bite her tongue off. Though "A" and I laughed that sometimes we think maybe that's what we should do. Of course, we're kidding.

or are we...

Yes. Don't be sending me emails about that now. :-)

Alright, I'm outta here.
-D

The Grungies

2007-08-30T15:47:00.000-05:00

Yes, my anger did come out last night on the call. I just can't believe she's fallen so far back. And it all feels so manipulative. Am I being too critical? Am I taking this personal? In a way, how can I not?

It's not supposed to be "about me" but it has an effect on all of us in the family. I know there is nothing I can do, it has to be up to her to change her ways. It just boggles my mind that after almost 2 years nothing has seemed to change. She knows the "program speak" like no other, but she doesn't DO it.

The "grungies" have a good hold on me since yesterday. I'm having trouble staying focused at work, though there really isn't too much to focus on at this time. We're going out with some friends after work to the Funny Bone. Hopefully that will lift this mood.

-D

Early call, but not good

2007-08-30T07:17:00.001-05:00

We talked with 'B' yesterday. Apparently he had something going on this evening, so he called me at work and we did the call a day early.

It wasn't good. Katie is back in Orange again. She was given an assignment when she chose out of Principles, to say "Is it Honest? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?" before she spoke. Every time. And she didn't do it. At all. Which is a Cat 4 for not following therapy assignments.

We did talk to her - and tried to get to the bottom of, well why she has bottomed out. There were a lot of tears on her part, and a lot of anger came through on our part, especially from Diane.

Before she got on the call we did talk a little about wilderness programs - however those don't fall under educational loans, so I doubt we could even go that route, plus I really feel that she would end up with some type of medical issue going on, and get out of it that way. 'B' is very frustrated (as are we) about the lack of progress, and we have raised the concern about finances - this is not getting any easier.

I'm waiting to here back on the finalization of the next loan. I hope to hear that is finalized soon, it will be a big relief there.

Looks like another six months

2007-08-29T14:57:00.000-05:00

I got the loan documents today, so it looks like we will be good to go for another six months. Or at least we won't have to pull her because of money - yet. Now paying for the loans is something else entirely - but finding $275/mo is much easier than $4200/mo.

Lots of letters

2007-08-28T12:46:00.001-05:00

After quite dry spell, we are suddenly getting lots of letters from Katie. I don't know if that is better or not however. In the past week I think Diane and I have gotten 5 letters.

The last one was all about how excited she was to go to principles, as well as a lot about religion.

Well, we know she chose out of principles, and not gracefully either. So all the talk about it pretty much goes out the window - she did her homework but wouldn't actually do the work in the seminar.

The religion thing is also 'interesting'. It wasn't long ago that she said she really wanted to go back to the Baptist church she joined two and a half years ago here, now she is wanting to be a Mormon (she says she was baptised (which would be her third time) in the LDS church when she was at ther mom's two years ago).

Me, I'm not religious. I'm not actively against any, I just don't believe in them myself. I can see how some people can get comfort from them, and at times I envy that, but it is not something that I can accept or believe in.

It is frustrating to here her say the same things she did before she ever went to the school. I'm feeling that her letters lately are just crap - nothing real again. She is going on about wanting to talk about things, but then I feel no trust of her that anything is true.

I guess that tells me what I need to do. I need to re-iterate my committment to only respond when she is being real and honest, and not to crap. I don't know how to tell when she is being honest, but right now I don't feel it.

Long Time, no post...

2007-08-26T11:40:00.000-05:00

As with Mike, I am very frustrated too. I don't know what to say to her to get her to start working again. It's like she just gave up and is back at square 1. I don't how much my feelings would be different if she were "my blood child" and not just a step child. I know I'll probably catch hell from some saying "just a step child" but if you've never been there, there is a difference. Maybe if I would have had more dealings with her from a much younger age things would have been different. I'm not saying I'm the perfect, and all-knowing parent or anything. It's just that things would have been handled differently. And if she were younger, it all would have been different. Mike has done a great job with what he was dealt. I understand what he means when he says when the kids outnumber the parents by more than 2 to 1, it's extremely hard to do anything.

But I can't change any of the past. I just have to learn to deal with the here and now.

A side of me wants to just yell at her and say "WAKE THE HELL UP! Do you realize how good you could have it by just stopping all this stupid shit you continue to do???? STOP playing victim, oh poor you, you've had it SO rough. If you think rules don't apply to you, just go and make your own way in the world since you know everything. You can't live here and disrupt our lives any more. As it is we will never be out of debt. The boys know how much has been wasted on you -- yes WASTED. And they are not happy about it. They don't understand why you continue to make the stupid decisions you do and not just cut the crap and come home."

Then the other side just is frustrated. I see the stress on Mike and the boys. The money that we will never have, the easy retirement we will never have. I want to cry knowing there is nothing we seem to do or say that is making a difference with her. Other "program parents" say to just hang in there, and many have been in the same spot we're in -- maybe not for this length of time, but they've felt the same frustration.

The Cross Creek school is SO good, in my opinion. They are also frustrated and have done so much to try to make this work. I feel sorry for them to have to deal with her day after day and not being able to make her see the light.

The letters we get just seem to be rambling, and repeating. I think she is comfortable there and won't do anything until it is time for her to leave...when she turns 18 in 10 months. We don't think we'll be able to continue with student loans for that long, however. So what then? I truly don't want her back here disrupting our lives like she did. And I truly think that is what she will do. She has learned just enough to get her by, to manipulate those enough to get attention but in no way does she want to take responsibility.

Wow, just re-read the above. I guess I didn't realize I was this angry again. But as Mike has always told me. Be honest, even when it sucks.

I love him with all my heart and feel so lucky to have him in my life. I don't know how I can handle having her back home if she doesn't change her ways. And maybe I'm not giving her enough credit as Mike says, but my trust in her was trashed a long time ago and I know myself well enough that it takes a LONG time to build that back up , IF it ever happens. All I see is her manipulation and I'm not willing to play that game any longer.

-D

23 months

2007-08-24T06:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was 23 months in the program. So what does that mean?

I had to download another loan application. I'm in debt $100,000 so far, and have to ask for another $25,000 for the next six months. I'm paying more for the educational loans than I am for my mortgage.

Diane and I are keyholders. We have graduated 8 different seminars, and I have staffed one. Jon has also been to one as well. The things we have learned about ourselves at these are incredible, and life changing. I'm not the person I was two years ago, that is for sure.

Katie got out of Orange yesterday, but is back at square one completely, or perhaps even farther behind. She has destroyed all trust that she had built up with everyone around her. While I had expected her to drop a bit, I had thought she was making some real progress before. Now, I really don't know.

My frustration level is extremely high, and I'm not dealing with it well right now. At least I can recognize this. Getting out of it is another thing entirely.

Fallen, and won't get up

2007-08-20T08:36:00.000-05:00

Well I've been out of town since Wednesday, but we did have our call with 'B' the therapist on Thursday, but not Katie. No, she was not on the call, because she is STILL in Orange. So we've gone back to some of the restrictions we had when she was in her other groups - if she is in Orange then she doesn't get to participate in the calls.

On thursday it will be 23 months, and that means time to go back to 'Aunt Sallie Mae' and beg for six more months again, and then hope I can find a way to continue to make the loan payments.

It is so much easier to do this when the kids are working the program and not fighting it. There are lots of times I have to tell myself that she is still learning, and we aren't just throwing money into a pit.

It has been 10 months since our last therapy visit, and 'B' is talking about us coming out for another one now, but I feel like that is rewarding her for not working.

It feels right now like she hasn't gotten anything out of the program, and the progress she had seemed to make before was just another lie. I wasn't upset about her falling at first, because I like that line from "Batman Begins" - "Why do we fall? To learn to pick ourselves up again." But now she has fallen, and won't get up again.

Like a yo-yo

2007-08-10T07:50:00.000-05:00

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up.

In orange. Out of orange. Back in organge. Disrespectful. Working. Good days. Bad days. Better days.

*sigh*

Talked with 'A' last night as usual. Things are rough right now. Katie got out of Orange, then went right back in. It turns out that she had finished whatever tape credits she had to do, so got out. But was not supported by the staff to be out, so went back in. She didn't handle this well, and was deep back into her old patterns of disrespect etc. Yesterday she was doing much better at least.

I don't know what she needs to get out besides start working again. The one shining light is that she hasn't lost all her points - so all she 'needs' to get back to level 3 is support - which is the most difficult requirement of all. It is nice to know that she won't have to repeat all the other steps again and again.

She was scheduled for a seminar this weekend (where the adults have 'keys', the kids have 'principles'), but 'A' didn't know if she was still eligible for it, even if she got out of orange in time. So yet another missed opportunity.

At least when she is falling it is for shorter amounts of time, and she is turning back around much quicker. Before something like this would have lasted for quite some time - but she may already be working again.

So much for me being concerned about a pass etc. I feel like we are back where we were six months (12 months, 18 months, . . .) ago.

And just to put in that little extra turn of the screw - it is getting close to the time to go back and get yet another loan.

Just breathe

2007-08-03T08:07:00.000-05:00

Ok - deep breath. Hold it. Now let go.

That is the key. Let it go.

We had our call with the therapist 'B' and Katie last night. At first I didn't think I would be on it because I had something going on at work, but then it took Diane over half an hour to actually get through - she kept getting a busy signal, so by the time she did get through I was home and Ben was able to conference me on.

Katie is back in Orange.

She got fired from being Momma, for both not working at the job, and for an inappropriate conversation (it was about shaving - started about girls who shave their heads and headed south. She says she stopped talking at that point, but also didn't do anything to stop the conversation - which was in the tape room as well.)

Otherwise it was a working call, if not a good one. She does seem to realize some of the things that came up, and wants to work on it, so this may not be such a bad thing overall. It is also good for her to experience some bumps in the road - as that is what life is all about (at times it seems that life [b]IS[/b] the bumps.

So not the real key is to see where she is and what she is doing in two weeks. Is she back to her old behavior, or is she actually learning something. A lot of it comes down to here feelings - she said that she felt like a failure about this, and the key is to realize that this was a mistake. To not tie her self-worth to external events. Which I guess is something that has been coming up for the entire group a lot lately.

So time to take my own advice - and just breath.

Struggling again

2007-07-27T07:11:00.000-05:00

We did have our call with 'A' last night.

Katie is struggling, having a lot of her old behavior coming back up. She hasn't dropped, but she also (once again) isn't moving. She got a Cat 3 because she had an envelope full of slips from her class saying how good she had done (I think we have all gotten these little notes) - however these had not been given to her.

Her attention seeking behavior is back as well. The group is giving her feedback on this, and she isn't taking that well either.

It is pretty rough on our end as well when we hear this. We are a bit disappointed - the idea of a pass being so close it hard to let go of. However saying that we are disappointed tends to feed her own feelings of nto being worth it, so we feel like we are in a catch-22. In the end we basically said that she needs to get working, and "put her big girl panties on and deal with it."

Slowing down

2007-07-20T07:50:00.001-05:00

We had our call with Katie and 'B' last night, and it was a working call, if not a great one. She still hasn't made level 4, and in fact came really close to dropping back to Orange. They were doing an exercise in group, and she let slip a reference to Focus - which was a breach in confidientiality - not severe enough to be a full Cat 4, but still a Cat 2. She didn't take that well, and then was falling back into some of her old behaviors the next day as well, and didn't take that feedback well either.

So we talked about that, and maybe got her thinking about things. The whole idea that I tried to reinforce that crap will happen, and old patterns will come up again (and again and again). She has a bad habit (pattern) of thinking that once you get past an obstacle it is gone for good. She used to do this at home as well. It also manifests where she used to think that doing one thing right erased all the times she did it wrong.

So we'll see how she does, and what she does. We keep hoping for a pass - but we've already missed the best opportunity for us for it (before my oldest goes back to college). We will have to be gone for 5 days with travel time - and that is too much to leave her 15 and 12 (maybe 13 by the time it happens) year old brothers alone, especially during school. Diane has a friend who can stay with them, but she leaves for a year in France in mid-September or early October, so we are really hoping that we can get the pass in before then, or it gets really difficult.

Staff Buddy Momma

2007-07-13T07:28:00.000-05:00

We had our call with 'A' last night, and Katlyn got the group vote for level 4, but has to go before the high level 'committee' to get it still, and may not. Now is the time when the past may come back to get her, but I think she is prepared for it.

On Tuesday she became the 'staff buddy' Momma - helping out in the tape room. One of the things I didn't realize about it was that means she has to be the first one up and the last to bed EVERY day - just like real parents. So far she is doing really well with it, but Angies says that it does take it's toll after a while, so we'll see. There is no defined time for this (they stay there until they learn what they need to learn from it), but she was actually enthusiastic (some girls break down on hearing they will do it, even before they give it a try) about the idea of seeing things from the 'other side' as it were.

Not quite there yet...

2007-07-09T12:59:00.000-05:00

Katie did not make level 4 - probably won't for a couple more weeks. She had assumed that her homework would also count for her daily journalling (which it doesn't) so that is the only requirement she is currently lacking. This unfortunately means that we won't have the pass that we had hoped for during the first full week of August. However we don't want her taking any shortcuts, as that has never helped her in the past.

So we'll deal with it when it happens. The good thing is that she doesn't seem to be backsliding at this time, she is steadily moving onward. I feel fairly confident that she won't drop after earning level 4, so once we hear she has that then we'll figure out how to make a pass work (since her brothers will all be back in school (the oldest 2 hours away at college).

Almost to 4

2007-06-29T07:39:00.000-05:00

We talked with 'B' and Katie last night (he switched this week and next with the Family Rep 'A' because he will be on vacation next week). Once again a very positive call. Katie is finishing up her requirements for level 4. Since B will be on vacation, he is going to have the vote up today instead of next week. So we are hoping she gets voted up, which if she does then it would mean she would have her level 4 by 7/5. She wasn't sure if she had everything she needed or not at this point however, there was some question on the journaling etc.

Once she gets to level 4 for at least 4 weeks then she earns a 3 day off ground pass, though it is not overnight at all. Diane and I looked at all our schedules, and we really hope she gets it, as the best time for us would be to fly out on 8/5, have the pass on the 6-8, and then home. The band leaves for camp on the 5th, so we'd have to fly out after that. Any other time would have to be fully during the week, or after school starts for the boys. I'd much rather do this when my oldest is still home from college, so we are a bit concerned about the timing.

I'm also a bit concerned what we will do on the pass. Some of it will be similar to when we were there last year, just a lot more time with her and being able to leave. We would still attend a group session, and have a family session there.

It is nice having some progress though, even with the additional (good) stress it causes.

Getting better

2007-06-25T09:44:00.000-05:00

This is late, but we have been busy - namely Diane and I are now Keyholders! We finished our last keys seminar this weekend, and it was great to graduate. It was especially good for me, as one of my Focus sisters L staffed it (she was actuall the captain) - it made it even better having her there - she has been such an example of strength for me.

When we were in Minnesota we stayed with her the week before as well, and we gave her a special little gift as a thank you (and almost made her cry :-)).

However the big, major news isn't us, it is Katie. She graduated Focus! And she is going up for level 4 next week - which would be a wonderful birthday present for her to give herself. Our call last week was a little short because we had another scheduling conflict (Diane had won box tickets to the local minor league baseball team that evening - and of course the game started right after the callw as scheduled, so we called from the car enroute!) It was great hearing the joy in Katie's voice as she talked about her experience, and she already wants to start staffing. In fact, she wants us to come out there and staff with her, but I don't think that will be possible (because of my remaining vacation days this year, as well as the expense of flying out to Utah).

So it has been a great two weekends!

Still going strong!

2007-06-16T11:48:00.000-05:00

We talked to A on Thursday, and Katie is in Focus, which was a LOOONG time coming. She is still doing really well, and on track to make level 4 soon, which means that not long after that she should actually earn her first pass. When we get home on Monday we need to check out the parent manual to see what Katie can have at level 4 for her birthday - she will be 17 in three weeks - her second birthday in the program.

One other good news, they are going to make her a 'mom'. This is where she is actually helping out in tape room for the other girls who are in Orange - a real interesting switch as she has been there so often in the past. This will be a great opportunity for her, and I look forward to hearing from her how it is going (she doesn't know she is going to get this).

Still doing well

2007-06-07T22:07:00.000-05:00

We had our call with Katie tonight, and once more it went very well. She is trying to deal with the issues she has with her mother, and they did some exercies in therapy that have helped, including not only having her write to her, but also having her write back as her mother as well, and B also wrote a letter as her mother. One of the major points was to stop living in the past, and instead live in the present and move forward.

B also talked to me about a possible visit, since it has been 8 months since we have seen Katie. However, right now she is very close to being able to make level 4 (assuming she graduates Focus next week) and earning a pass that I would rather wait for her to earn one than for us to have a therapy pass again. Simple logistics also comes into it as well as money also - we won't be able to afford two trips out, and I'd hate to go for a therapy visit only to not be able to go out for her first earned pass.

She was a bit sad to hear about us going on vacation tomorrow, because once again she will miss it. But that isn't always a bad thing, and is something for her to overcome. Plus it helps to drive her desire to work the program and come home.

No news

2007-06-01T10:25:00.000-05:00

No update this week, because I simply forgot about our call last night. I don't really know why, I had thought about it earlier in the day, but after dinner it completely slipped my mind.

I did get some letters this week, but they were all a bit behind (dated the 11th and the 19th, before she got to level 3). It is really hard to have meaningful interactions there when they are so far behind.

Diane did write Katie a letter and sent it off - so with some luck they will begin the work to repair / rebuild their relationship.

Surprise - pleasant for once

2007-05-25T07:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, time for my weekly update.

We had our call with the therapist 'B' and Katie last night. One thing I realized is that I haven't gotten a letter in two weeks from her - kind of disappointing in that.

He goes to get her, and it takes several minutes to come back. She was in Focus pre-meetings again, not unusual because they have to keep doing these until they get to Focus. Then the news - she made level 3 this week! I was floored. She is actually still in the current group going to Focus in June!

Then another amazing point - she wants to get back to her pre-focus meeting, so she is cutting the call short. Things are going well and she really wants to keep working.

When she left B told us that she was going to find out that she was getting something close to 'most improved' for these pre-focus meetings as well, but didn't know it yet.

It was funny because Diane and I were talking that when she is working, we don't have a whole lot right now to talk about with her - we have been so focused before on the calls about what she is not doing and how she is not working - now that she is taking off like a rocket it is a bit overwhelming!

One of the interesting goals she did say was to have a call with just Diane, not me. This was also very good - as that is where a huge amount of work needs to be done before she comes home.

More progress

2007-05-16T11:03:00.000-05:00

I had the bi-weekly call with the family rep A today. I had to reschedule it earlier because my youngest son has an awards assembly tomorrow evening during our regularly scheduled call. And once again it was all good. Katie presented her level 3 goals, and had full support for them on Monday. One thing A does with her girls is to give them 'stretches' - and Katie, for that one day, had to only speak in a whisper, and to write down everything she said before she said it. She struggled with this a bit, and wanted to just quit presenting her goals, but the didn't let her give up on herself, and she made it through. This is good, as in the past (like two months ago) she would have just stopped and not done it.

She has realized that the nurses athlete's foot cream really works if she uses it twice a day like she is supposed to, so that is clearing up. And she got new glasses, and is going to get her hair cut - all positive things from my point of view. With the hair cut - they have to get parent's permission to change the style at all and I don't have any problem at all with that. Not that I can say much - but being a man I don't really have an opinion on that - it's a testosterone thing :-)

Katie actually has 1001 points right now, which is amazing. She most likely won't make the Focus seminar in June as the cutoff for being level 3 is this week, but she should make the next one in August without a problem.

She has also been named Bunk Leader, which again is a good thing. Yes, she had this before way back when, and quickly lost it. But now I think she may actually be able to do it, and learn something from it. The girls in the group are opening up to her and she is getting much more acceptance - by being real instead of trying to get acceptance. Isn't it amazing to see how these things work in life - so often you can get the things you want when you quit trying to get them, and instead just be yourself and let them come.

At long last

2007-05-11T12:21:00.000-05:00

We had our call last night, and received the long awaited (like what - over a year) news that Katie has finally made level 2. And not only did she make level 2, but for the first time EVER she was voted up to level 2 with full support. She had taken it before, and then lost it the next week immediately because she didn't have support.

She is working on level 3, and really wants to go to Focus in June. However she has to make 3 by next week, which most likely won't happen. However she said that she DID NOT want a special exception made for her - she wanted to earn it herself. That is HUGE for her - in the past she has been so much about doing as little as possible and wanting everything given to her, as well as wanting any tiny bit of progress to erase everything in the past.

Very, very good news. I don't know how to get her and Diane working on their issues yet, Diane is still very stand-offish about it - still having a huge 'prove it' attitude. However she has been making progress now for about six weeks now, and when I talk to her I hear such a huge change in her voice. I'm optimistic at this point, maybe more than I should be.

running behind

2007-05-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize that I forgot to post on Friday after our call with the Family Rep, A. It was a good call, though she still didn't go up for a vote (she should go up today). Things are going well. It looks like they have gotten a lot more girls into the group, which is taking a lot of the spotlight off of Katie. Not a bad thing really, and she seems to be handling it quite well actually, which is a good thing.

I'm also behind in writing to her - I got a letter on Thursday and haven't made the time to write back yet.

hate waiting

2007-05-01T09:12:00.000-05:00

Well, Katie should have gone up for a vote to level 2 yesterday. Of course, we won't hear what happened until Thursday evening when we talk to the family rep A. It should have gone well, which is exactly what we are expecting.

I may actually miss that call, as I have to go pick up my oldest son from college, and it looks like I'll be on jury duty - so I can't to Friday afternoon as planned, but will probably do it Thursday evening.

Still moving

2007-04-27T09:48:00.000-05:00

I talked to Katie on her therapy call last night - went very well again. She goes up for level 2 on Monday. She is putting forth goals and plans and finally has said that she actually wants to come home. Right now she wants to make level 4 and get a pass by her birthday ( July 3rd ) - I did tell her that it won't happen that weekend because we already have a committment - she took that well and said it could be the next weekend. She also has decided she wants to be home by Christmas.
I don't know if either of these are realistic goals, and we discussed that as well. We also talked about that she needs to realize it is not all smooth sailing from now on, even if she has turned the corner. There will be bumps in the road, and she will lose levels. The key will be to pick herself up and keep going.
It is nice to have good calls.

growing stronger

2007-04-20T10:03:00.000-05:00

I talked with the family rep 'A' yesterday, and Katie is still doing well. She presented her goals to group this week, and got 100% support on them. She should go up for level 2 a week from Monday, and if she keeps going like she has been then she should actually get voted up with no issues - a first!

She has also buckled down with her school work, and is getting caught back up to where she would be. She talks about wanting to be a veterinarian - and I had to stress that it was very hard to get into vet's school, especially when a few months ago she had barely completed her 9th grade work. I big change in that as well, so that whenever she gets out she will be where she should be in school, if not ahead!

B has made here the buddy of another girl. Katie has a problem with talking way too much, this other girl barely talks at all. So for now, they are only allowed to talk to each other and the staff. It is good, because this other girl is holding her accountable as well.

It is really nice to have calls that have good news instead of frustration.

2 letters

2007-04-16T07:37:00.000-05:00

Surprising, got a letter from Katie and Friday and another on Saturday. I'll respond back to them today. Both are decent, meaningfull letters, which is good. It is really comforting to me to see her start to make some progress. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but part of me can't help but hope that she has actually made a breakthrough and is finally getting started working.

She wants to go by Katie - which we never had any issue with (as you can tell) - we just don't support her going by K.T. (that is her grandparent's dog's name). She also wants to read fantasy books again - which is not going to happen for a while. She was using them to escape and not deal with her issues and reality, and just doing a little bit doesn't earn them back. When she gets to high levels (i.e. at least 4) then we can begin to talk about it, but not until then.