Sunday, August 26, 2007

Long Time, no post...

As with Mike, I am very frustrated too. I don't know what to say to her to get her to start working again. It's like she just gave up and is back at square 1. I don't how much my feelings would be different if she were "my blood child" and not just a step child. I know I'll probably catch hell from some saying "just a step child" but if you've never been there, there is a difference. Maybe if I would have had more dealings with her from a much younger age things would have been different. I'm not saying I'm the perfect, and all-knowing parent or anything. It's just that things would have been handled differently. And if she were younger, it all would have been different. Mike has done a great job with what he was dealt. I understand what he means when he says when the kids outnumber the parents by more than 2 to 1, it's extremely hard to do anything.

But I can't change any of the past. I just have to learn to deal with the here and now.

A side of me wants to just yell at her and say "WAKE THE HELL UP! Do you realize how good you could have it by just stopping all this stupid shit you continue to do???? STOP playing victim, oh poor you, you've had it SO rough. If you think rules don't apply to you, just go and make your own way in the world since you know everything. You can't live here and disrupt our lives any more. As it is we will never be out of debt. The boys know how much has been wasted on you -- yes WASTED. And they are not happy about it. They don't understand why you continue to make the stupid decisions you do and not just cut the crap and come home."

Then the other side just is frustrated. I see the stress on Mike and the boys. The money that we will never have, the easy retirement we will never have. I want to cry knowing there is nothing we seem to do or say that is making a difference with her. Other "program parents" say to just hang in there, and many have been in the same spot we're in -- maybe not for this length of time, but they've felt the same frustration.

The Cross Creek school is SO good, in my opinion. They are also frustrated and have done so much to try to make this work. I feel sorry for them to have to deal with her day after day and not being able to make her see the light.

The letters we get just seem to be rambling, and repeating. I think she is comfortable there and won't do anything until it is time for her to leave...when she turns 18 in 10 months. We don't think we'll be able to continue with student loans for that long, however. So what then? I truly don't want her back here disrupting our lives like she did. And I truly think that is what she will do. She has learned just enough to get her by, to manipulate those enough to get attention but in no way does she want to take responsibility.

Wow, just re-read the above. I guess I didn't realize I was this angry again. But as Mike has always told me. Be honest, even when it sucks.

I love him with all my heart and feel so lucky to have him in my life. I don't know how I can handle having her back home if she doesn't change her ways. And maybe I'm not giving her enough credit as Mike says, but my trust in her was trashed a long time ago and I know myself well enough that it takes a LONG time to build that back up , IF it ever happens. All I see is her manipulation and I'm not willing to play that game any longer.