Almost to 4

We talked with 'B' and Katie last night (he switched this week and next with the Family Rep 'A' because he will be on vacation next week). Once again a very positive call. Katie is finishing up her requirements for level 4. Since B will be on vacation, he is going to have the vote up today instead of next week. So we are hoping she gets voted up, which if she does then it would mean she would have her level 4 by 7/5. She wasn't sure if she had everything she needed or not at this point however, there was some question on the journaling etc.

Once she gets to level 4 for at least 4 weeks then she earns a 3 day off ground pass, though it is not overnight at all. Diane and I looked at all our schedules, and we really hope she gets it, as the best time for us would be to fly out on 8/5, have the pass on the 6-8, and then home. The band leaves for camp on the 5th, so we'd have to fly out after that. Any other time would have to be fully during the week, or after school starts for the boys. I'd much rather do this when my oldest is still home from college, so we are a bit concerned about the timing.

I'm also a bit concerned what we will do on the pass. Some of it will be similar to when we were there last year, just a lot more time with her and being able to leave. We would still attend a group session, and have a family session there.

It is nice having some progress though, even with the additional (good) stress it causes.

Getting better

This is late, but we have been busy - namely Diane and I are now Keyholders! We finished our last keys seminar this weekend, and it was great to graduate. It was especially good for me, as one of my Focus sisters L staffed it (she was actuall the captain) - it made it even better having her there - she has been such an example of strength for me.

When we were in Minnesota we stayed with her the week before as well, and we gave her a special little gift as a thank you (and almost made her cry :-)).

However the big, major news isn't us, it is Katie. She graduated Focus! And she is going up for level 4 next week - which would be a wonderful birthday present for her to give herself. Our call last week was a little short because we had another scheduling conflict (Diane had won box tickets to the local minor league baseball team that evening - and of course the game started right after the callw as scheduled, so we called from the car enroute!) It was great hearing the joy in Katie's voice as she talked about her experience, and she already wants to start staffing. In fact, she wants us to come out there and staff with her, but I don't think that will be possible (because of my remaining vacation days this year, as well as the expense of flying out to Utah).

So it has been a great two weekends!

Still going strong!

We talked to A on Thursday, and Katie is in Focus, which was a LOOONG time coming. She is still doing really well, and on track to make level 4 soon, which means that not long after that she should actually earn her first pass. When we get home on Monday we need to check out the parent manual to see what Katie can have at level 4 for her birthday - she will be 17 in three weeks - her second birthday in the program.

One other good news, they are going to make her a 'mom'. This is where she is actually helping out in tape room for the other girls who are in Orange - a real interesting switch as she has been there so often in the past. This will be a great opportunity for her, and I look forward to hearing from her how it is going (she doesn't know she is going to get this).

Still doing well

We had our call with Katie tonight, and once more it went very well. She is trying to deal with the issues she has with her mother, and they did some exercies in therapy that have helped, including not only having her write to her, but also having her write back as her mother as well, and B also wrote a letter as her mother. One of the major points was to stop living in the past, and instead live in the present and move forward.

B also talked to me about a possible visit, since it has been 8 months since we have seen Katie. However, right now she is very close to being able to make level 4 (assuming she graduates Focus next week) and earning a pass that I would rather wait for her to earn one than for us to have a therapy pass again. Simple logistics also comes into it as well as money also - we won't be able to afford two trips out, and I'd hate to go for a therapy visit only to not be able to go out for her first earned pass.

She was a bit sad to hear about us going on vacation tomorrow, because once again she will miss it. But that isn't always a bad thing, and is something for her to overcome. Plus it helps to drive her desire to work the program and come home.

No news

No update this week, because I simply forgot about our call last night. I don't really know why, I had thought about it earlier in the day, but after dinner it completely slipped my mind.

I did get some letters this week, but they were all a bit behind (dated the 11th and the 19th, before she got to level 3). It is really hard to have meaningful interactions there when they are so far behind.

Diane did write Katie a letter and sent it off - so with some luck they will begin the work to repair / rebuild their relationship.

Surprise - pleasant for once

Ok, time for my weekly update.

We had our call with the therapist 'B' and Katie last night. One thing I realized is that I haven't gotten a letter in two weeks from her - kind of disappointing in that.

He goes to get her, and it takes several minutes to come back. She was in Focus pre-meetings again, not unusual because they have to keep doing these until they get to Focus. Then the news - she made level 3 this week! I was floored. She is actually still in the current group going to Focus in June!

Then another amazing point - she wants to get back to her pre-focus meeting, so she is cutting the call short. Things are going well and she really wants to keep working.

When she left B told us that she was going to find out that she was getting something close to 'most improved' for these pre-focus meetings as well, but didn't know it yet.

It was funny because Diane and I were talking that when she is working, we don't have a whole lot right now to talk about with her - we have been so focused before on the calls about what she is not doing and how she is not working - now that she is taking off like a rocket it is a bit overwhelming!

One of the interesting goals she did say was to have a call with just Diane, not me. This was also very good - as that is where a huge amount of work needs to be done before she comes home.

More progress

I had the bi-weekly call with the family rep A today. I had to reschedule it earlier because my youngest son has an awards assembly tomorrow evening during our regularly scheduled call. And once again it was all good. Katie presented her level 3 goals, and had full support for them on Monday. One thing A does with her girls is to give them 'stretches' - and Katie, for that one day, had to only speak in a whisper, and to write down everything she said before she said it. She struggled with this a bit, and wanted to just quit presenting her goals, but the didn't let her give up on herself, and she made it through. This is good, as in the past (like two months ago) she would have just stopped and not done it.

She has realized that the nurses athlete's foot cream really works if she uses it twice a day like she is supposed to, so that is clearing up. And she got new glasses, and is going to get her hair cut - all positive things from my point of view. With the hair cut - they have to get parent's permission to change the style at all and I don't have any problem at all with that. Not that I can say much - but being a man I don't really have an opinion on that - it's a testosterone thing :-)

Katie actually has 1001 points right now, which is amazing. She most likely won't make the Focus seminar in June as the cutoff for being level 3 is this week, but she should make the next one in August without a problem.

She has also been named Bunk Leader, which again is a good thing. Yes, she had this before way back when, and quickly lost it. But now I think she may actually be able to do it, and learn something from it. The girls in the group are opening up to her and she is getting much more acceptance - by being real instead of trying to get acceptance. Isn't it amazing to see how these things work in life - so often you can get the things you want when you quit trying to get them, and instead just be yourself and let them come.

At long last

We had our call last night, and received the long awaited (like what - over a year) news that Katie has finally made level 2. And not only did she make level 2, but for the first time EVER she was voted up to level 2 with full support. She had taken it before, and then lost it the next week immediately because she didn't have support.

She is working on level 3, and really wants to go to Focus in June. However she has to make 3 by next week, which most likely won't happen. However she said that she DID NOT want a special exception made for her - she wanted to earn it herself. That is HUGE for her - in the past she has been so much about doing as little as possible and wanting everything given to her, as well as wanting any tiny bit of progress to erase everything in the past.

Very, very good news. I don't know how to get her and Diane working on their issues yet, Diane is still very stand-offish about it - still having a huge 'prove it' attitude. However she has been making progress now for about six weeks now, and when I talk to her I hear such a huge change in her voice. I'm optimistic at this point, maybe more than I should be.

running behind

I didn't realize that I forgot to post on Friday after our call with the Family Rep, A. It was a good call, though she still didn't go up for a vote (she should go up today). Things are going well. It looks like they have gotten a lot more girls into the group, which is taking a lot of the spotlight off of Katie. Not a bad thing really, and she seems to be handling it quite well actually, which is a good thing.

I'm also behind in writing to her - I got a letter on Thursday and haven't made the time to write back yet.

hate waiting

Well, Katie should have gone up for a vote to level 2 yesterday. Of course, we won't hear what happened until Thursday evening when we talk to the family rep A. It should have gone well, which is exactly what we are expecting.

I may actually miss that call, as I have to go pick up my oldest son from college, and it looks like I'll be on jury duty - so I can't to Friday afternoon as planned, but will probably do it Thursday evening.

Still moving

I talked to Katie on her therapy call last night - went very well again. She goes up for level 2 on Monday. She is putting forth goals and plans and finally has said that she actually wants to come home. Right now she wants to make level 4 and get a pass by her birthday ( July 3rd ) - I did tell her that it won't happen that weekend because we already have a committment - she took that well and said it could be the next weekend. She also has decided she wants to be home by Christmas.
I don't know if either of these are realistic goals, and we discussed that as well. We also talked about that she needs to realize it is not all smooth sailing from now on, even if she has turned the corner. There will be bumps in the road, and she will lose levels. The key will be to pick herself up and keep going.
It is nice to have good calls.

growing stronger

I talked with the family rep 'A' yesterday, and Katie is still doing well. She presented her goals to group this week, and got 100% support on them. She should go up for level 2 a week from Monday, and if she keeps going like she has been then she should actually get voted up with no issues - a first!

She has also buckled down with her school work, and is getting caught back up to where she would be. She talks about wanting to be a veterinarian - and I had to stress that it was very hard to get into vet's school, especially when a few months ago she had barely completed her 9th grade work. I big change in that as well, so that whenever she gets out she will be where she should be in school, if not ahead!

B has made here the buddy of another girl. Katie has a problem with talking way too much, this other girl barely talks at all. So for now, they are only allowed to talk to each other and the staff. It is good, because this other girl is holding her accountable as well.

It is really nice to have calls that have good news instead of frustration.

2 letters

Surprising, got a letter from Katie and Friday and another on Saturday. I'll respond back to them today. Both are decent, meaningfull letters, which is good. It is really comforting to me to see her start to make some progress. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but part of me can't help but hope that she has actually made a breakthrough and is finally getting started working.

She wants to go by Katie - which we never had any issue with (as you can tell) - we just don't support her going by K.T. (that is her grandparent's dog's name). She also wants to read fantasy books again - which is not going to happen for a while. She was using them to escape and not deal with her issues and reality, and just doing a little bit doesn't earn them back. When she gets to high levels (i.e. at least 4) then we can begin to talk about it, but not until then.

A good call

I had our call with the therapist 'B' and Katie last night, and it was actually very pleasant - which is quite unusual. Katie is still working, and right now she actually sounds great! I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but both 'B' and the family Rep 'A' (and her teachers) have noticed a significant change in her these past few weeks.

'B' had her go back through Orientation as a buddy (her third time), and she said she really got a lot out of it, including accepting and incorporating feedback she received, another first.

There was also an interesting incident this week. Apparently someone from another group said that she took a piece of fruit without asking. 'B' confronted her with this, and it looked like she immediately went back into her old habits, not remembering doing it, not accepting responsibility for it. However then the big change came in - the rest of the group supported her on this - saying that it was not like Katie to do that at all, and that she did not take it. She said it was just amazing how good it felt to actually have support!

She had also worked on a big presentation she wanted to give to the group - and on the day she thought she would do it she was all excited and over the top - and 'B' caught it right away that she was playing for attention yet again. So he said she wasn't going to do it. And she accepted it without fuss and went on instead of getting upset and closing down.

She said she may go up for level two next week or the week after - she is actually re-doing a bunch of her 7-habits workbook stuff that she had just glossed over before. She doesn't sound worried about it, and seems to understand that she has to earn it.

She also talked about the future quite a bit - in a realistic way. Actually talked a bit about coming home, though she knows she is a long way from that happening, but she is actually looking forward to it.

So maybe she is finally making a real change. The key for me is to let go and let her work it - I can't get worried about it one way or the other.

But it was nice hearing good news for once.

and hope flickers on

We received two letters from Katie yesterday - and both were better than usual. Not real deep, but then that isn't required every time. But they weren't just empty fluff either.

The one real significant bit is that Katie has started to get some support from her group, and it is making her feel good. These other girls are all really good and detecting bullshit, and their detectors have been going full blast for quite some time, so it is actually extremely promising to hear that she is being real and the group is getting behind her - because they won't do it as long as she is playing the games she has been.

I made sure I wrote her back very quickly, just to continue a bit of positive feedback for actually working.

She still has a huge way to go, and lots of issues about her mom - which is not a surprise to anybody. I did write to her about the fact that digging into these issues is painful - I made the analogy of an injury that requires surgery to repair it. You can leave it to fester and never get better, or you can bite the bullet, accept that there will be some more pain involved as you clean up the wound, and realize that the pain will actually start to decrease after the healing begins, but there may be a bit more to get it started.

Sometimes it is easier to endure the pain you know than to face the unknown, even it if promises to make things better. Especially if the unknown may mean more pain initially.

But isn't change always like that?

still glimmering

I had our call with the Family Rep A last night, and for once it was surprisingly good. Compared to the usual call of no work at all, she is making a small amount of progress. It does sound like the call last week, and maybe the letters, might be finally having some effect. And I don't want to discount with her therapist B has done - when he tore up all her work in front of her it seems to have had a pretty big impact.

She is in the positive points, and is still working on the apology exercise, but the latest revision of the letter to her mom is much better. Still not where it really should be, but the last half that turned into a major guilt trip has been fixed by her, which is very good. It does seem that she is learning what a real apology looks and sounds like, as opposed to what she was doing.

The crux of it all is getting real, with her real emotions. Especially around her mother, but not limited to that by any means.

A slight glimmer of . . . something

We had our bi-weekly therapy call with B last night. Some interesting stuff going on lately.

He is doing an exercise with the entire group, of having them write apology letters. He had Katie write one to EVERYONE. She said she had done 15, but actually had did only 9. She turned these in to him, he looked them over, and then tore them up in front of her. She was a bit pissed off, as you can expect. He then said that is exactly what she has been doing to everybody else in her life - ripping up and throwing out all the effort they have been putting in with her.

I like this guy.

So then in group, he starts reading these letters, including two more she has written. These are read anonymously after the first few. The girls all then comment on them, sharing if they were sincere and real. When he read Katie's letter to her teacher - the entire group immediately recognized it as hers because it was repetitve and empty. No feeling behind it - it wasn't real.

When Katie came on the call, she talked about her apology she wrote to her mother, and read it. It started out much better, but quickly degenerated into a guilt trip towards her. Now her mother will never see it, because not only has she not had any contact at all with Katie since she entered the program 18 months ago, but even the other boys have not heard from her since last June.

However, as we talked about her mother, something interesting happened. For a very short time, some real emotions came out. For the briefest time, she let down all the pretenses, and got real about some of the things she felt about her mother. Her mother is truly a major issue with her, if not the central issue. It wasn't long - she quickly 'recovered' from it, but we did acknowledge that was exactly what she needed to do to begin to progress in the program. Not try and make others happy, not try to be what others want, but to be herself, with real emotions.

So it was a glimps of something. A spark in the darkness. The question is, will the spark catch and ignite, to burn and fire the passion for change that she needs, or will it smolder and die, smothered in fear and doubt. So often we are so comfortable with the pain we know, as opposed to change, that it keeps us from every moving.

Letters

Monday, Diane got a letter from Katie, and a nice poem that Katie has submitted to the parent support magazine. And she also sent a letter to her youngest brother. I got - nada.

However, there was one for me yesterday. She had gotten my previous letters, and this was much stronger than any have been in some time. She did say that she didn't feel I was being open with her because I was not angry in my letters, and wanted more honest feedback. It was one of the longest letters she has yet written.

I wrote back, and exactly as I had said I would, I addressed her letter. I was very open with her, and shared that I did not have any anger over her previous behavior at home like Diane does. I have forgiven and moved past that. In fact, I don't have much anger period - it is not an emotion I can hold on to, and I find that it weakens me to be angry, so even when I do get angry, it doesn't last long.

She said that she wanted me to be angry with her, which I won't do. She is looking for validations of her feelings of ruining the family, but I've gotten past that, and won't give her that validation.

Her letter, and my response back to it (which is the longest letter I have written to her since she has been in the program) are probably some of the best communication we have had in quite some time.

I just hope it starts to make a difference.

Seems to be slipping backward

So we talked with A, the family rep last night. From what she was saying, it now sounds like Katie has not only made no progress, but is falling back into her old patterns yet again.

Once more she is talking about going up for level 2 next week - but she is short on points, and hasn't done any of her goals. Working on pre-focus homework again. This isn't a bad things, and in the discussion I did learn that she will continue to do this process until she gets in Focus, regardless of level at the time. There is a cutoff date for each seminar, by which they must have their level, and that is either this week or next (each group picks their own date). She won't have it, so will have choosen out one more time.

No letters yet, though A did say that she had sent one off earlier in the week for Diane. I haven't gotten a letter in close to a month. So I guess I won't be writing today.

It was brought up again that she seems really comfortable there. I really don't know how to change that. On her call sheet she said that being on silence had allowed her to work on her relationship with God, and that she had decided to go back to the Baptist church she had attended for a year or so (before wanting to switch to and evangelical one, and then switching to Mormon (though that didn't work so well, as at the time they didn't "support her lesbian lifestyle").

If being religious would help, then I'm all for it. It hasn't so far though. To me it is yet another way to avoid the real issues.

She is out of Orange, and so should be in the call next week - we'll just have to see.

Very interesting paper

I was invited to join a new forum for parents, and found that a woman there had written a paper on finding help for teens. I put the link on the side, but you can also find it here : Managing Teens at Risk: A Massachusetts Parents Guide to Choosing the Right Private Program For Your Family .

I haven't finished reading it yet, and we don't live in MA, but I sure wish I had seen this in 2005 (she wrote it in 2004) when we were looking for help with Katie.

One of the goals of this Blog is to help others, and provide something other than the marketing information that is out there - and this is one item with the same intent.