Better week

This was our week to talk with the family rep. It was a good call, but then they always are with her. Katie is still out of Orange, and earning positive points. That is a good thing. Will it last? Is she going to start working? Is this time going to be any different than the last half dozen (or more) times she has gotten out of Orange, only to go back in a few weeks later.

Do I sound cynical? I am feeling extremely frustrated right now.

The rep always asks the girls if they have any messages when she is scheduled to talk to their parents. Katie mentioned that I had said I was going to write more, and hadn't. So at least she has learned something about accountability. I just feel a bit indignant that she would call me on a broken agreement (if it even was an agreement, I said

I do intend to write more, but while I’m at a +5 to see you through this program and have you graduate, I’m not there on writing letters.

So I'm not so sure I broke an agreement) when she is at such a state. That is my self-limiting belief, but it is still a huge case of calling the kettle black.

I did write her today. I would like to write more. It is very difficult at this point though. The idea keeps going through my head lately that I'm going to end up with 30 years of fairly oppressive student loans - all for nothing. This school is going to cost about $150,000 to get her to age 18. More than I make in a year. The loan payments are already approaching the mortgage payment for the house, and I still need to get loans for $66,000 more, as we only have enough to get her through March. And what if she wants to stay on after 18 even.

We have her Christmas list, as well as the 'allowable' list from the school. We need to get this together and shipped off. Not that I'm all that enthusiastic about that either. I don't know if that makes me a horrible father or what - to feel such resentment for my daughter.

I thought some of this would eventually get easier.