Still sliding

*sigh*

*SIGH*

I don't know what to say. Katie has gotten out of Orange at least. So we talked to her last night on the therapy call. It wasn't a good call however.

On Mondays, her therapist goes over with the group what they feel she has done to make level two - and is able to make this a qualified judgement of how much of the requirements she has met. A few weeks ago she had met 18% of them, this week - 6%. Not even trying. And when asked what the requirements were - now remember these are the goals she is supposed to be working on every day - she didn't remember what they were! At all! And one of the girls in her room said she thought Katie threw them away.

I'm very frustrated. I eventually flat out asked if she just planned on sitting there for the next year and a half until she turned 18 and took her exit plan. At times she will tell her therapist that she wants to come home, but she doesn't act at all like it. If she wanted to come home she would be trying to work the program - and she isn't even trying.

She asked to be moved to a different group again - that was shut down immediately. She isn't running from her issues. She said that she didn't want to be in the group, but just to work on her goals by herself. Well most of her goals are about interacting with others.

She wants to be home for her senior year. She still has to complete Algebra before being at a full sophomore level - so she is behind there.

I asked her if she realizes that Thanksgiving is only a couple of weeks away - and that she won't be here at home with the family AGAIN. And Christmas is in six weeks - and she won't be here for that either. And did she want to have a third Christmas at the school as well.

We did get a letter yesterday as well - that talks some of what was going on as well. And has her Christmas list in it. I don't even know what I want to do about that. Maybe just send a huge lump of coal.

I received the latest statement from the school - for the first time we actually owe money on the statement. The latest loan is being disbursed in installments, and will cover it by the due date. I then did some rough calculations, to make sure the disbursements would cover things, and they do. Then I extended this out - and we will need another $66,000 to make it to her 18th birthday. This on top of the $86,000 we have already taken loans for.

*SIGH*

The loan payments are already close to the mortgage for the house, the next one, assuming we can get it, and that is not a small assumption, will put it WAY over - and I'm not sure we will be able to make it. Yes, we will find a way - I just don't know how yet.

Am I a horrible father because this concerns me? Am I not supposed to be concerned about student loans for $150,000 and not having her making any progress? I'll be paying for this for the next 30 years. By the time this is paid off, she will be older than I am now.

Oh yeah, she still wants to be a vet. Admirable goal - never going to happen if she doesn't change. Vet school is what - 6 years on top of a bachelor degree - 10 years of school. We won't be able to help that at all - the best I can do for my oldest son right now is to co-sign his loan, and that may not be possible soon due to the sheer amount we may owe.

We are heading to our next Keys seminar this weekend. It should be our last, but we had to miss one in July because of the marching band. So we won't be graduating with the people we started with. I look forward to seeing a lot of them on Friday night - I really miss my focus family - there are three focus sisters and our group leader that I feel really close to, and one especially. I'm saddened to think that I don't know when I'll ever see them again after this weekend. Right now it feels like it will be especially hard graduating in May (when the seminar we missed comes around again) because they won't be there - and even if they are they would be staffing, and there isn't time to catch up between staffers and participants.

We never say things enough - but especially to my focus sisters L, T and K - I love you guys. And to A - you made my focus so special, I still tear up thinking about it - and still have my stick in my wallet. I hope I can support each of you this weekend.