The Grungies

Yes, my anger did come out last night on the call. I just can't believe she's fallen so far back. And it all feels so manipulative. Am I being too critical? Am I taking this personal? In a way, how can I not?

It's not supposed to be "about me" but it has an effect on all of us in the family. I know there is nothing I can do, it has to be up to her to change her ways. It just boggles my mind that after almost 2 years nothing has seemed to change. She knows the "program speak" like no other, but she doesn't DO it.

The "grungies" have a good hold on me since yesterday. I'm having trouble staying focused at work, though there really isn't too much to focus on at this time. We're going out with some friends after work to the Funny Bone. Hopefully that will lift this mood.

-D

Early call, but not good

We talked with 'B' yesterday. Apparently he had something going on this evening, so he called me at work and we did the call a day early.

It wasn't good. Katie is back in Orange again. She was given an assignment when she chose out of Principles, to say "Is it Honest? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?" before she spoke. Every time. And she didn't do it. At all. Which is a Cat 4 for not following therapy assignments.

We did talk to her - and tried to get to the bottom of, well why she has bottomed out. There were a lot of tears on her part, and a lot of anger came through on our part, especially from Diane.

Before she got on the call we did talk a little about wilderness programs - however those don't fall under educational loans, so I doubt we could even go that route, plus I really feel that she would end up with some type of medical issue going on, and get out of it that way. 'B' is very frustrated (as are we) about the lack of progress, and we have raised the concern about finances - this is not getting any easier.

I'm waiting to here back on the finalization of the next loan. I hope to hear that is finalized soon, it will be a big relief there.

Looks like another six months

I got the loan documents today, so it looks like we will be good to go for another six months. Or at least we won't have to pull her because of money - yet. Now paying for the loans is something else entirely - but finding $275/mo is much easier than $4200/mo.

Lots of letters

After quite dry spell, we are suddenly getting lots of letters from Katie. I don't know if that is better or not however. In the past week I think Diane and I have gotten 5 letters.

The last one was all about how excited she was to go to principles, as well as a lot about religion.

Well, we know she chose out of principles, and not gracefully either. So all the talk about it pretty much goes out the window - she did her homework but wouldn't actually do the work in the seminar.

The religion thing is also 'interesting'. It wasn't long ago that she said she really wanted to go back to the Baptist church she joined two and a half years ago here, now she is wanting to be a Mormon (she says she was baptised (which would be her third time) in the LDS church when she was at ther mom's two years ago).

Me, I'm not religious. I'm not actively against any, I just don't believe in them myself. I can see how some people can get comfort from them, and at times I envy that, but it is not something that I can accept or believe in.

It is frustrating to here her say the same things she did before she ever went to the school. I'm feeling that her letters lately are just crap - nothing real again. She is going on about wanting to talk about things, but then I feel no trust of her that anything is true.

I guess that tells me what I need to do. I need to re-iterate my committment to only respond when she is being real and honest, and not to crap. I don't know how to tell when she is being honest, but right now I don't feel it.

Long Time, no post...

As with Mike, I am very frustrated too. I don't know what to say to her to get her to start working again. It's like she just gave up and is back at square 1. I don't how much my feelings would be different if she were "my blood child" and not just a step child. I know I'll probably catch hell from some saying "just a step child" but if you've never been there, there is a difference. Maybe if I would have had more dealings with her from a much younger age things would have been different. I'm not saying I'm the perfect, and all-knowing parent or anything. It's just that things would have been handled differently. And if she were younger, it all would have been different. Mike has done a great job with what he was dealt. I understand what he means when he says when the kids outnumber the parents by more than 2 to 1, it's extremely hard to do anything.

But I can't change any of the past. I just have to learn to deal with the here and now.

A side of me wants to just yell at her and say "WAKE THE HELL UP! Do you realize how good you could have it by just stopping all this stupid shit you continue to do???? STOP playing victim, oh poor you, you've had it SO rough. If you think rules don't apply to you, just go and make your own way in the world since you know everything. You can't live here and disrupt our lives any more. As it is we will never be out of debt. The boys know how much has been wasted on you -- yes WASTED. And they are not happy about it. They don't understand why you continue to make the stupid decisions you do and not just cut the crap and come home."

Then the other side just is frustrated. I see the stress on Mike and the boys. The money that we will never have, the easy retirement we will never have. I want to cry knowing there is nothing we seem to do or say that is making a difference with her. Other "program parents" say to just hang in there, and many have been in the same spot we're in -- maybe not for this length of time, but they've felt the same frustration.

The Cross Creek school is SO good, in my opinion. They are also frustrated and have done so much to try to make this work. I feel sorry for them to have to deal with her day after day and not being able to make her see the light.

The letters we get just seem to be rambling, and repeating. I think she is comfortable there and won't do anything until it is time for her to leave...when she turns 18 in 10 months. We don't think we'll be able to continue with student loans for that long, however. So what then? I truly don't want her back here disrupting our lives like she did. And I truly think that is what she will do. She has learned just enough to get her by, to manipulate those enough to get attention but in no way does she want to take responsibility.

Wow, just re-read the above. I guess I didn't realize I was this angry again. But as Mike has always told me. Be honest, even when it sucks.

I love him with all my heart and feel so lucky to have him in my life. I don't know how I can handle having her back home if she doesn't change her ways. And maybe I'm not giving her enough credit as Mike says, but my trust in her was trashed a long time ago and I know myself well enough that it takes a LONG time to build that back up , IF it ever happens. All I see is her manipulation and I'm not willing to play that game any longer.

-D

23 months

Yesterday was 23 months in the program. So what does that mean?

I had to download another loan application. I'm in debt $100,000 so far, and have to ask for another $25,000 for the next six months. I'm paying more for the educational loans than I am for my mortgage.

Diane and I are keyholders. We have graduated 8 different seminars, and I have staffed one. Jon has also been to one as well. The things we have learned about ourselves at these are incredible, and life changing. I'm not the person I was two years ago, that is for sure.

Katie got out of Orange yesterday, but is back at square one completely, or perhaps even farther behind. She has destroyed all trust that she had built up with everyone around her. While I had expected her to drop a bit, I had thought she was making some real progress before. Now, I really don't know.

My frustration level is extremely high, and I'm not dealing with it well right now. At least I can recognize this. Getting out of it is another thing entirely.

Fallen, and won't get up

Well I've been out of town since Wednesday, but we did have our call with 'B' the therapist on Thursday, but not Katie. No, she was not on the call, because she is STILL in Orange. So we've gone back to some of the restrictions we had when she was in her other groups - if she is in Orange then she doesn't get to participate in the calls.

On thursday it will be 23 months, and that means time to go back to 'Aunt Sallie Mae' and beg for six more months again, and then hope I can find a way to continue to make the loan payments.

It is so much easier to do this when the kids are working the program and not fighting it. There are lots of times I have to tell myself that she is still learning, and we aren't just throwing money into a pit.

It has been 10 months since our last therapy visit, and 'B' is talking about us coming out for another one now, but I feel like that is rewarding her for not working.

It feels right now like she hasn't gotten anything out of the program, and the progress she had seemed to make before was just another lie. I wasn't upset about her falling at first, because I like that line from "Batman Begins" - "Why do we fall? To learn to pick ourselves up again." But now she has fallen, and won't get up again.

Like a yo-yo

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up.

In orange. Out of orange. Back in organge. Disrespectful. Working. Good days. Bad days. Better days.

*sigh*

Talked with 'A' last night as usual. Things are rough right now. Katie got out of Orange, then went right back in. It turns out that she had finished whatever tape credits she had to do, so got out. But was not supported by the staff to be out, so went back in. She didn't handle this well, and was deep back into her old patterns of disrespect etc. Yesterday she was doing much better at least.

I don't know what she needs to get out besides start working again. The one shining light is that she hasn't lost all her points - so all she 'needs' to get back to level 3 is support - which is the most difficult requirement of all. It is nice to know that she won't have to repeat all the other steps again and again.

She was scheduled for a seminar this weekend (where the adults have 'keys', the kids have 'principles'), but 'A' didn't know if she was still eligible for it, even if she got out of orange in time. So yet another missed opportunity.

At least when she is falling it is for shorter amounts of time, and she is turning back around much quicker. Before something like this would have lasted for quite some time - but she may already be working again.

So much for me being concerned about a pass etc. I feel like we are back where we were six months (12 months, 18 months, . . .) ago.

And just to put in that little extra turn of the screw - it is getting close to the time to go back and get yet another loan.

Just breathe

Ok - deep breath. Hold it. Now let go.

That is the key. Let it go.

We had our call with the therapist 'B' and Katie last night. At first I didn't think I would be on it because I had something going on at work, but then it took Diane over half an hour to actually get through - she kept getting a busy signal, so by the time she did get through I was home and Ben was able to conference me on.

Katie is back in Orange.

She got fired from being Momma, for both not working at the job, and for an inappropriate conversation (it was about shaving - started about girls who shave their heads and headed south. She says she stopped talking at that point, but also didn't do anything to stop the conversation - which was in the tape room as well.)

Otherwise it was a working call, if not a good one. She does seem to realize some of the things that came up, and wants to work on it, so this may not be such a bad thing overall. It is also good for her to experience some bumps in the road - as that is what life is all about (at times it seems that life [b]IS[/b] the bumps.

So not the real key is to see where she is and what she is doing in two weeks. Is she back to her old behavior, or is she actually learning something. A lot of it comes down to here feelings - she said that she felt like a failure about this, and the key is to realize that this was a mistake. To not tie her self-worth to external events. Which I guess is something that has been coming up for the entire group a lot lately.

So time to take my own advice - and just breath.

Struggling again

We did have our call with 'A' last night.

Katie is struggling, having a lot of her old behavior coming back up. She hasn't dropped, but she also (once again) isn't moving. She got a Cat 3 because she had an envelope full of slips from her class saying how good she had done (I think we have all gotten these little notes) - however these had not been given to her.

Her attention seeking behavior is back as well. The group is giving her feedback on this, and she isn't taking that well either.

It is pretty rough on our end as well when we hear this. We are a bit disappointed - the idea of a pass being so close it hard to let go of. However saying that we are disappointed tends to feed her own feelings of nto being worth it, so we feel like we are in a catch-22. In the end we basically said that she needs to get working, and "put her big girl panties on and deal with it."

Slowing down

We had our call with Katie and 'B' last night, and it was a working call, if not a great one. She still hasn't made level 4, and in fact came really close to dropping back to Orange. They were doing an exercise in group, and she let slip a reference to Focus - which was a breach in confidientiality - not severe enough to be a full Cat 4, but still a Cat 2. She didn't take that well, and then was falling back into some of her old behaviors the next day as well, and didn't take that feedback well either.

So we talked about that, and maybe got her thinking about things. The whole idea that I tried to reinforce that crap will happen, and old patterns will come up again (and again and again). She has a bad habit (pattern) of thinking that once you get past an obstacle it is gone for good. She used to do this at home as well. It also manifests where she used to think that doing one thing right erased all the times she did it wrong.

So we'll see how she does, and what she does. We keep hoping for a pass - but we've already missed the best opportunity for us for it (before my oldest goes back to college). We will have to be gone for 5 days with travel time - and that is too much to leave her 15 and 12 (maybe 13 by the time it happens) year old brothers alone, especially during school. Diane has a friend who can stay with them, but she leaves for a year in France in mid-September or early October, so we are really hoping that we can get the pass in before then, or it gets really difficult.

Staff Buddy Momma

We had our call with 'A' last night, and Katlyn got the group vote for level 4, but has to go before the high level 'committee' to get it still, and may not. Now is the time when the past may come back to get her, but I think she is prepared for it.

On Tuesday she became the 'staff buddy' Momma - helping out in the tape room. One of the things I didn't realize about it was that means she has to be the first one up and the last to bed EVERY day - just like real parents. So far she is doing really well with it, but Angies says that it does take it's toll after a while, so we'll see. There is no defined time for this (they stay there until they learn what they need to learn from it), but she was actually enthusiastic (some girls break down on hearing they will do it, even before they give it a try) about the idea of seeing things from the 'other side' as it were.

Not quite there yet...

Katie did not make level 4 - probably won't for a couple more weeks. She had assumed that her homework would also count for her daily journalling (which it doesn't) so that is the only requirement she is currently lacking. This unfortunately means that we won't have the pass that we had hoped for during the first full week of August. However we don't want her taking any shortcuts, as that has never helped her in the past.

So we'll deal with it when it happens. The good thing is that she doesn't seem to be backsliding at this time, she is steadily moving onward. I feel fairly confident that she won't drop after earning level 4, so once we hear she has that then we'll figure out how to make a pass work (since her brothers will all be back in school (the oldest 2 hours away at college).

Almost to 4

We talked with 'B' and Katie last night (he switched this week and next with the Family Rep 'A' because he will be on vacation next week). Once again a very positive call. Katie is finishing up her requirements for level 4. Since B will be on vacation, he is going to have the vote up today instead of next week. So we are hoping she gets voted up, which if she does then it would mean she would have her level 4 by 7/5. She wasn't sure if she had everything she needed or not at this point however, there was some question on the journaling etc.

Once she gets to level 4 for at least 4 weeks then she earns a 3 day off ground pass, though it is not overnight at all. Diane and I looked at all our schedules, and we really hope she gets it, as the best time for us would be to fly out on 8/5, have the pass on the 6-8, and then home. The band leaves for camp on the 5th, so we'd have to fly out after that. Any other time would have to be fully during the week, or after school starts for the boys. I'd much rather do this when my oldest is still home from college, so we are a bit concerned about the timing.

I'm also a bit concerned what we will do on the pass. Some of it will be similar to when we were there last year, just a lot more time with her and being able to leave. We would still attend a group session, and have a family session there.

It is nice having some progress though, even with the additional (good) stress it causes.

Getting better

This is late, but we have been busy - namely Diane and I are now Keyholders! We finished our last keys seminar this weekend, and it was great to graduate. It was especially good for me, as one of my Focus sisters L staffed it (she was actuall the captain) - it made it even better having her there - she has been such an example of strength for me.

When we were in Minnesota we stayed with her the week before as well, and we gave her a special little gift as a thank you (and almost made her cry :-)).

However the big, major news isn't us, it is Katie. She graduated Focus! And she is going up for level 4 next week - which would be a wonderful birthday present for her to give herself. Our call last week was a little short because we had another scheduling conflict (Diane had won box tickets to the local minor league baseball team that evening - and of course the game started right after the callw as scheduled, so we called from the car enroute!) It was great hearing the joy in Katie's voice as she talked about her experience, and she already wants to start staffing. In fact, she wants us to come out there and staff with her, but I don't think that will be possible (because of my remaining vacation days this year, as well as the expense of flying out to Utah).

So it has been a great two weekends!

Still going strong!

We talked to A on Thursday, and Katie is in Focus, which was a LOOONG time coming. She is still doing really well, and on track to make level 4 soon, which means that not long after that she should actually earn her first pass. When we get home on Monday we need to check out the parent manual to see what Katie can have at level 4 for her birthday - she will be 17 in three weeks - her second birthday in the program.

One other good news, they are going to make her a 'mom'. This is where she is actually helping out in tape room for the other girls who are in Orange - a real interesting switch as she has been there so often in the past. This will be a great opportunity for her, and I look forward to hearing from her how it is going (she doesn't know she is going to get this).

Still doing well

We had our call with Katie tonight, and once more it went very well. She is trying to deal with the issues she has with her mother, and they did some exercies in therapy that have helped, including not only having her write to her, but also having her write back as her mother as well, and B also wrote a letter as her mother. One of the major points was to stop living in the past, and instead live in the present and move forward.

B also talked to me about a possible visit, since it has been 8 months since we have seen Katie. However, right now she is very close to being able to make level 4 (assuming she graduates Focus next week) and earning a pass that I would rather wait for her to earn one than for us to have a therapy pass again. Simple logistics also comes into it as well as money also - we won't be able to afford two trips out, and I'd hate to go for a therapy visit only to not be able to go out for her first earned pass.

She was a bit sad to hear about us going on vacation tomorrow, because once again she will miss it. But that isn't always a bad thing, and is something for her to overcome. Plus it helps to drive her desire to work the program and come home.

No news

No update this week, because I simply forgot about our call last night. I don't really know why, I had thought about it earlier in the day, but after dinner it completely slipped my mind.

I did get some letters this week, but they were all a bit behind (dated the 11th and the 19th, before she got to level 3). It is really hard to have meaningful interactions there when they are so far behind.

Diane did write Katie a letter and sent it off - so with some luck they will begin the work to repair / rebuild their relationship.

Surprise - pleasant for once

Ok, time for my weekly update.

We had our call with the therapist 'B' and Katie last night. One thing I realized is that I haven't gotten a letter in two weeks from her - kind of disappointing in that.

He goes to get her, and it takes several minutes to come back. She was in Focus pre-meetings again, not unusual because they have to keep doing these until they get to Focus. Then the news - she made level 3 this week! I was floored. She is actually still in the current group going to Focus in June!

Then another amazing point - she wants to get back to her pre-focus meeting, so she is cutting the call short. Things are going well and she really wants to keep working.

When she left B told us that she was going to find out that she was getting something close to 'most improved' for these pre-focus meetings as well, but didn't know it yet.

It was funny because Diane and I were talking that when she is working, we don't have a whole lot right now to talk about with her - we have been so focused before on the calls about what she is not doing and how she is not working - now that she is taking off like a rocket it is a bit overwhelming!

One of the interesting goals she did say was to have a call with just Diane, not me. This was also very good - as that is where a huge amount of work needs to be done before she comes home.

More progress

I had the bi-weekly call with the family rep A today. I had to reschedule it earlier because my youngest son has an awards assembly tomorrow evening during our regularly scheduled call. And once again it was all good. Katie presented her level 3 goals, and had full support for them on Monday. One thing A does with her girls is to give them 'stretches' - and Katie, for that one day, had to only speak in a whisper, and to write down everything she said before she said it. She struggled with this a bit, and wanted to just quit presenting her goals, but the didn't let her give up on herself, and she made it through. This is good, as in the past (like two months ago) she would have just stopped and not done it.

She has realized that the nurses athlete's foot cream really works if she uses it twice a day like she is supposed to, so that is clearing up. And she got new glasses, and is going to get her hair cut - all positive things from my point of view. With the hair cut - they have to get parent's permission to change the style at all and I don't have any problem at all with that. Not that I can say much - but being a man I don't really have an opinion on that - it's a testosterone thing :-)

Katie actually has 1001 points right now, which is amazing. She most likely won't make the Focus seminar in June as the cutoff for being level 3 is this week, but she should make the next one in August without a problem.

She has also been named Bunk Leader, which again is a good thing. Yes, she had this before way back when, and quickly lost it. But now I think she may actually be able to do it, and learn something from it. The girls in the group are opening up to her and she is getting much more acceptance - by being real instead of trying to get acceptance. Isn't it amazing to see how these things work in life - so often you can get the things you want when you quit trying to get them, and instead just be yourself and let them come.