Day 6

Well things are going pretty well, as I expected. No real issues yet. The biggest thing I notice now (aside form my grocery bill seeming to skyrocket, but that is probably not a direct correlation) is that Katie is simply trying too much, too hard. Jumping into as much as she can, always wanting to help and do everything with everybody.

At our first family meeting on Sunday we discussed this a bit - the fact that she needs to build the relationships back with her brothers, and not just jump into them going full speed ahead.

She is getting involved with her church, and that should be a good thing. She has put in several job applications, also a good thing. So we just keep going for now.

Long time no post

I've never been one for journaling, writing in a diary, or keeping track of every bit of food that goes in my mouth and writing in this blog is no different. That's why Mike has written the bulk of entries here.

But right now, Mike is in a car with Katie, heading to the Vegas airport. I've talked with both of them. She said she cried a bit, mostly because she couldn't say goodbye. But she's excited to be coming home, excited to see the boys and Scout. I told her I hope we can have a fresh start and things will go well.

Mike did give her our home contract and she has read it and understands there are new rules to live by.

I didn't sleep well last night. I think I turned off the tv sometime after 3am when Girl, Interuppted was just finishing on HBO. Very apropos, I guess. I am worried that Katie will go back to old ways, and so will I. Mike reminds me that we have more "tools" to use now and we are much stronger as a couple and as a family. I agree, but I still worry. I know she's not "fixed", I know there will be ups and downs. I just really hope that if she chooses to not follow the rules and has to leave the house that she doesn't start cutting, or actually follow thru with her threat of suicide -- which I truly feel was always just a cry for help. Though I know we can't make her do anything anymore, things are HER choices, I would still feel horrible.

I will not hold any past grudges, I am willing to make this a fresh start. The boys, however, are having some problems. There is a lot of anger there towards her, money spent on her that could have been spent for family vacations or other things. They just don't understand why she wouldn't just do what needs to be done and get out of there as soon as she could instead of just sitting there for 3 years. And no one can really answer those things except her. And I have a feeling that those questions will be posed to her in the coming days.

The boys have already tried the "well, I'm sleeping at so-and-so's house on Wednesday night" trick, but we said no, they will welcome her home. It's not a celebration, as it could and should have been, but we will ALL start with a clean slate. Yes, there will be more rules for awhile, and more accountability will be held, but they are going to be alright.

The oldest even said he wishes he could get into his apartment sooner so he just wouldn't have to be around her at all. And I understand his thoughts on this because he's the one that has gotten to talk with her the most and he is the one that she has really ripped into the most, both on the phone and through letters. And he says he's not holding back when she gets home. He will not put up with her trying to push her "program" onto him. I told him I understand but to try to just welcome her home with an open mind and give her a chance.

It's going to be interesting! Stay tuned.
-D

T - 44 hours and counting

I leave at 10 tomorrow morning, and will get into Vegas about 2:30 MDT (gaining 2 hours). Then the 2 hour drive to Utah.

I will be at the school at 8:00 am on Wednesday, and our flight out of Vegas it about 3 pm, so I'm hoping to leave by 11, and that shouldn't be a problem. 'B' plans on meeting with Katie and I, and they will get her stuff for us to pack up, and we are out of there. No goodbyes or anything - because we are pulling her we are effectively cut off from the program.

After almost three years, $150, we run out of money and that is it. No support, no access to the BBS, no more seminars, nothing. No reunion keys, no staffing. I don't like it, but it is our choice.

I am not happy about the lack of support for any transition plan from them, but am very grateful for the support we have gotten from local familes we have met through the program. I had really hoped to hav gotten past PC III, to see what we could learn there, and get the free family coaching. But none of that - in 44 hours we are on our own.

We have a home contract, and I think it will work. Her older brother has been working on her room - though he will be VERY busy the next two days to get it cleaned out completely - he had wanted it done last week but as is typical is waiting to the very last minute.

I'm taking Thursday off work since it is her first day home, to help a little with the transition. I have no idea how many clothes she will have from the school - I know she only has one other outfit, that we bought here during our pass before Christmas last year. So that is one of the first things - to get her clothes because after all, she has lost about 30 lbs since she was home over three years ago.

It will be a big change having her home - she hasn't lived here for the past 39 months (except for one week, she left in May of 2005).

I have to hope for the best, and stay strong and live by our values.

T -6 and counting

We had what was our last weekly therapy call last night - a day early due to a scheduling conflict with 'B' the therapist. It didn't go so great. It surprises me how quick she has wanted to take her exit plan, not two weeks after committing to stay. I'm real curious as to her reaction next Wednesday when she sees me there to bring her home.

One of the girls who was in her group and graduated in March is back in the program - a bit of a disappointment because when I met her she seemed to be doing so well. So even those who graduate don't always work out, and sometimes those who don't graduate do.

Katie also said that she overdid basketball practice on Tuesday, and then fell out of the top bunk and hurt her leg, and is now on crutches. I told 'S', the family rep, to go ahead and let her see the doctor to make sure nothing is really wrong, but this so much seems to be her old behavior.

There is so much to do before I leave on Tuesday, right now it feels overwhelming.

Not much going on

I feel like we are just marking time, waiting. Some things are going on, but not really too much.

There is a couple we met at the seminars locally here, and Diane and I had dinner with her a few weeks ago to talk about Katie coming home (their son graduated close to two years ago from another school). Then this weekend I had dinner with her again and a really good conversation, including her giving me a copy of her son's contract so we have an idea on what to start with.

Diane dropped off Katie's two younger brothers at the Leadership camp in California yesterday, so I hope that goes well for them - I hope it is both fun and a learning experience for them.

That also means I'm a bachelor for the week - what fun! I hope to start working on the home contract this week.

On our call on Thursday (Katie's 18th birthday as well) things went pretty well. She got support to be back fully on level 3, and chose not to vote up this week until she can show some consistency first - a good sign. Of course now she is working again, once the clock is really ticking.

16 days to go.

Wow - 200!

Not quit up to the 'We Are Spartans!' level, but 200 posts is something I guess. I almost missed it in fact - I was checking the URL for someone (hoping to get that elusive third reader!) and realized I was at 199!

Time to reflect a bit I guess.

It has been a little less than four years since the troubles really began with Katie. Therapy, three inpatient trips to local hospital teen programs, the summer with her mother, and then moving her to the school. Ups and downs there, but most of it being her resistance to the program - she is nothing if not stubborn.

Diane and I were given a great gift in the adult seminars, graduating Discovery, Focus, and the Keys to Success to become Keyholders, though because the actual 'keys' are now given out only at PC IV we will never receive ours. Giving her brothers the opportunity to go to Discovery, and Focus for the younger ones (coming up next month at the Youth Leadership Camp they will be attending) will, I hope, help them as they get older.

I do believe that Katie would have only have gotten in more trouble had we not sent her to the program. I do fear that she would have gotten pregnant, and probably gotten into drugs, as well as much more alcohol. And she could have ended up dead.

Have we stopped that? I dunno. Postponed it definitely. We have tried to give her tools to live her life, and she has fought us on that. She will not graduate the program, but that is her choice. She will have spent exactly 34 months there when I pick her up - not the longest stay by any means, but way past any 'average', if that existed.

I hope that someone has been able to benefit from my ramblings here. I have tried to be open and honest about what we are going through - just for other parents who might be going through the same thing. I plan to continue to update this, though I don't know the frequency (and eventually she will be on her own, one way or another, and there will be nothing left on my part but the worrying).

So thanks to anyone who has joined us for this journey, and it continues on.

Firming up plans

I bought the airline tickets yesterday to go pick up Katie. While not the appropriate blog for it, I am amazed at how some airlines price things - wanting to charge more for a one-way ticket than for a roundtrip!

Anyway, I fly out on July 22nd and back with her on the 23rd. Our flight out of Las Vegas is at 3, and it is a two hour drive (plus time change in our favor), so we will have to be out of there no later than noon, preferably by 11:00 am. Since I get in early enough to actually get some sleep (I get into Vegas a little afte 2 on Tuesday, putting me in Utah easily by 6 (as opposed to getting in at 12:30 am as one flight had it - putting me in Utah just in time for dawn!)) then I can be at the school first thing - I'm not sure how long it will take. So the countdown begins. 15 days until she turns 18, 35 days until she is home.

One thing we have to do is get them an exit plan for when she turns 18 - if she decides to just up an leave. We don't want to tell her we are picking her up - but I really don't want to end up having to get last minute bus tickets a week before the flight, and waste the airline tickets.

We have to get her room ready - her older brother is in it for the summer, and we need to clean his stuff out and make room for her. He moves into an apartment in August, so will have about three weeks of bunking with his younger brother.

This is going to take some adjustment. She hasn't lived at home since she left in May of 2005 - she will have been gone (except for one week) for 38 months, 34 of them in the program). A cost of roughly $150K. And that doesn't include any of the travel or seminar costs for Diane and I. A big part of me wonders if it was worth it. Is worth it - I'll be paying on the student loans for the next 30 years - which is basically the rest of my life. But I guess the real question is what would have happened if we hadn't done this?

Change in plans / expectations

After our call with 'S' last week, Diane and I have talked a bit. It really looks like that we won't be doing PC III in June, and I'm feeling now that even if she were to make level 4 I don't want her special case'd in. I think that she has gotten all she is going to get out of the school. One more month won't make any difference, except for costing us money we truly don't have.

So we are going to talk to 'B' on Thursday as normal, but our plans have changed. Katie turns 18 a month from tomorrow. We are paid up through July 22nd - but we are probably going to go get her the weekend before that. I just don't see where spending another 4200 bucks for another month will make any difference - and we can use that to instead actually play for the tickets out there to get her, as well as get her a new wardrobe (she has lost 30 lbs, and it has been three years since she was home, so when we cleaned out her room we basically didn't keep ANY of her old clothes (or much of anything else)).

I'm a bit bothered that Diane and I will never receive our Keys as Keyholders since they have now moved that to PC IV, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about that either.

We talked with one of our keys family members this weekend whose son graduated from another school, and that helped a bit as well. So it looks like probably 7 weeks to go. Of course that assumes she doesn't decide to walk out on her birthday, but I don't see that happening. If she does, it will be a bus ticket home for her, but otherwise pretty much the same plan.

We are going to work up a contract, and will make it clear that she can either follow our rules or live somewhere else. There will be some simple no-tolerance points (such as violence, cutting, etc), but it is the little ones that are more difficult that we need to work on the next few weeks.

It doesn't seem to be getting any easier

I've been very frustrated lately. Katie is still not working like she should, and it has been 32 months as of today. She, of course, doesn't know that she only has three months left there before all our money is gone.

Right now it really looks like we will be going to PC III in June, though she won't have fully earned it. To fully earn it she has to be level 5 by next week, and she is still at 3. However when we talked with 'B' last night before she was on the call he said that it would probably be much better for us to do it in June instead of August, as if we did it in August then we would bring her home immediately afterward, which would not be good.

I haven't been writing much ( and haven't gotten many letters either), and again she called me on that. I'm bothered, both by the fact that I am not wanting to write much, and by the idea of her calling me on this, when she has been sitting there for so long.

At one point she asked about my expectations, and I said that I gave up any expectations long ago - letting this be her program. It came through that any expectations had been missed quite some time ago though. She is getting real concerned about turning 18, and asked what our plans were. In response I simply asked if I had every said anything to her other than that she has to graduate, and she said no.

I'm a bit concerned about her coming home, but it is still three months off, and I haven't really worked it up in my head yet. Her older brother moves into his first apartment the weekend before that.

To top things off, it appears that AirTran has stopped their non-stop flights between Dayton and Vegas - which is a real bummer, because that means the airline tickets we are going to need for that this summer may be twice as much as we were expecting - could be close to a thousand for a pair - OUCH!!!

Another heavy sigh

We had our call with Katie and B again tonight, and unfortunately it wasn't a good or happy one. She is once again not working, and once again falling into the same old patterns. It gets very frustrating dealing with the same thing over and over again.

The irony is that it isn't big things, but her responses to them. She now claims to be writing a novel - which is an excuse to not be working. She tried to manipulate several people today in order to check out a book from the library, after she had already gone for the day. Dumb, stupid little things. And then denying she did them.

*sigh*

All shook up

Did I really feel the earthquake last night? I don't remember what time it was, but I do remember at one point waking up and feeling like the bed was shaking slightly, kind of like when you are shaking your foot when it hangs off he bed. Weird I guess.

The monkeys are still there, but lately I've been on other fire drills, which ends up meaning that I'm doing other aspects of their jobs for them. Been a very frustrating week. A whole lot of 'No time to research, just fix it NOW!" Do it fast, don't do it right, but you better not screw it up. So I've been a bit more frustrated with the gorillas than the monkeys.

Not much news

Nothing seems to really be going on lately. Katie made level 3 last week, and she has worn out her socks and underwear, as well as the shoes we bought her when she was on pass in December.

It feels lately just like a 'been there - done that' with her. Yes, she is working now, but she has been before as well. I feel the clock ticking, and am just wondering if there will be any real difference in the next few months.

We talked with 'S' and mentioned again that we are out of money in August, and my goal anymore is to get her to PC III and get a life contract (at least the base of it) to use when she comes home.

Working again

We talked with 'S' last night, who unfortunately isn't feeling well. Katie is in the vote up book for level 3, meaning that all she needs is staff support and she will get it.

She seems to be working again, though still really struggling with her Algebra, and I am concerned about that.

She has now decided that she wants to go into music in college, and go to Julliard. It is very hard to be supportive of unrealistic goals.

Not much else happening right now.

Minor update, not much to say

Phone call with Katie yesterday. It started pleasant enough, but we eventually dug a bit deeper and defintiely got her a but more uncomfortable. It seems so easy for her to say she is going to work on this or that - so we challenged her to now work on things, but to DO them. Not to work on voting up to level 3 next week, but to DO IT.
I'm a pure geek. So in the words of Yoda, there is no try. There is do or do not.
Now is the time to do it.
She has decideded that she probably won't make PC III in April - we had to correct her that there was no probably - she did not qualify at all for it. She has decided she is now shooting for October graduation. I honestly don't see that happening, though there is a slight chance. My goal is to get some type of home contract started for when the money is gone in August.
*sigh*

Sacrifices

That is one thing that does happen with this program, or so it seems to me.

The most obvious one is, of course, the cost. For those of use who aren't independantly wealthy, or are just middle class, the cost si significant. $4300 a month - for 30 months now. Five more now to go. The loan payments are close to breaking us.

Of course, then there are the seminars. Those cost both time and money. I don't regret them at all, but it does seem to me that they have a knack for falling when I have other plans. I had gotten concert tickets for my birthday years ago, that I had to sell because Discovery was that weekend. We just found out the dates for June's PCIII, which is what we are really hoping Katie will make. And it is the exact same time as the Origins gaming convention that I go to every year. I guess it is good that I haven't bought the very expensive 4 day passes there yet - because they are non-refundable. Of course we won't know if she is going until the end of May, so everything is up in the air completely. I haven't told her brothers yet - one has scout camp that week anyway so can't go, but the other two were hoping to go (and now the oldest will probably have to pick the youngest up from scout camp as well - good thing he has his driver's license finally!)

I sound petty, self centered and greedy, but there does come a time when you don't want to keep giving up things for your children - or even more, sacrificing something for one child for another. And it isn't short term either - the financial sacrifices will be ongoing for the next what, 28 years? Katie will be older that I am now before I have her loans paid off.

Being a parent is hard, I know that. But one of the keys to being a good parent is showing your children how to be well adjusted adults. Unfortunately sacrificing for your children doesn't always show that - very often it shows a child that everyone should sacrifice for them, rather than showing that people should sacrifice for others (indulging kids gives you spoiled adults, it does not give adults who indulge their own kids).

I guess I'm just venting.

Like pulling teeth

Actually that isn't quite accurate - it was pulling teeth. Specifically Katie's wisdom teeth.
They have been bothering her for some time. When they first started to come in we tried to wait, hoping she would be home to have them out. Yeah. :-)
So on our call three weeks ago 'S' tells me that they are really hurting her, so I say go ahead, and 'S' says she will send me the information to get the billing set up. Two weeks later, 'S' is sick but emails me, saying we really need to get this set up, and FINALLY sends the dr. information. So I call them on Friday, get the forms, fax them back, and send 'S' an email Monday morning saying everything is good to go, and she says she will make the appointment.
Of course, the next thing I expected would be to hear when things were scheduled. Not an unreasonable expectation from my point of view. This is my daughter after all, and it does require general anesthesia, so there is some minor risk. Just a quick one-line email giving the time of the appointment, or a 30 second call. When I don't hear anything back immediately, I'm not at all concerned - I know how long it takes to get in anywhere around here - usually several weeks out at best.
So I get a call at lunch today. From the oral surgeon's office. No, it wasn't any question about her appointment, or billing or anything. It was letting me know that the extractions had gone fine and she was recovering well! WTF!?! I took it in stride, she is doing great. Like a duck.
So is it unreasonable to expect them to let me know AHEAD OF TIME when my daughter is going in for non-emergency surgery? Am I out of line here? I'm not one to worry, but I do like to be informed.
It isn't like I hadn't heard from 'S' this week. I sent her and ben an email detailing the financial information. Because I feel that we are all on the same team, all working together, and to do that we need clear and open communication. But it seems that I may be the only one who feels that way.
Now this week would be our call with 'B, but he is out this week, so we had it last week. After two and a half years I've learned that they aren't very pro-active on the communication front there, but I feel this is rather ridiculous.
I haven't decided if I'm going to call 'S', or just wait to see if she can find the time in her busy schedule to bother letting me know that my daughter had surgery and came through it fine.
(Would have been nice to have been able to send her a get well card that had a snowballs chance to get there before she was fully recovered as well, since snail mail takes at least a week to get there and even longer to get back here).

And here I thought I wouldn't have anything to update my blog with this week :-)

No Soup For You!!!

Well we heard back from Teen Help - and to paraphrase the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld - No Loan for You!

I have to look at this in a slightly positive way - we are having a very hard making the payments we currently have, let alone more.

Now comes the time to empty Diane's IRA - that will hurt come tax time but I feel it is important that we get Katie to 18 at least. It is funny, we like to joke that we can never afford to retire - but that isn't funny anymore.

With the next PC III being April 14th, it would mean that Katie would have to be level 5 by Friday to make it, and if things went well she made level 2 today. So that is out. Which means maybe PC III in June.

So at this point I really doubt we will be able to keep her in until she can graduate, as the earliest she could would be October, and that would be without any further hiccups, and I really doubt that would be a possibility. Most likely she will be coming home in time to start her senior year - that would make the most sense to have her here in time for school to start.

Update

We had our call with Katie last night - 'B' will be on vacation next week, so we switched. It went ok - nothing huge. Still level 1, but maybe 2 next week. One thing is that she is learning to do some self-analysis - kind of doing therapy sessions with herself instead of a therapist. This is actually a good, and powerful thing, and I view it as progress.

Her wisdom teeth are really bothering her, so I need to call the oral surgeon in a little bit and get that arranged. We were hoping they would hold out until she was home, but that isn't to be.

As for the loan, we are working on re-submitting co-signed by my dad (thanks mom & dad) - we'll see what happens then.

Oliver

The parallels to Oliver are even worse this time.

"Please sir, may I have some more?"

"NO", and then the beating begin.

No loan. I called "aunt sallie" and they aren't even sure why they turned it down, but will try to get more information. So I need to call them back on Friday to see why they decided that I make enough, but don't have enough of a credit history to get this loan.

So now we see if we can get a co-signer. From Oliver to Animal House.
*WHACK*
"Thank you sir, may I have another?"
*WHACK*

Frustrated and worried

I got a letter from Sallie Mae this weekend, saying that they turned us down for the next loan claiming "Limited credit experience". WTF!?! What the hell is that? Don't give me that I don't have a long enough credit history - heck I've had loans with them for 18 months, plus the other student loan, my friggin house and car (paid off), and credit cards. I could see them saying that it was too much, over extended or one of the other reasons, but I don't know what this one means.

So I'm worried and concerned. I need to talk to the guy helping us at Teen Help to see what to do next. Do we try to get a co-signer - and who? Does we try with someone else (the first loan isn't with Sallie Mae, so that isn't the only option out there)?

If we can't get the loan at all, then what? Katie is currently paid up to March 22nd, and we have just a tiny bit ($640) over, which would be what - four more days? Diane and I both have our 401-K's, which are a possibility. If we were to close out Diane's then that would be real close to covering the next six months. I feel guilty about asking that while leaving mine alone. However I still have the company match going into mine, and she doesn't. My company changed their 401-k provider and policy to only allow for 1 loan - which I already have. So I'd have to take a withdrawal (and it is allowed for tuition). However I'd have to stop putting in for six months if I did that, and lose the company match I get for that (which would be about $3k), making it an even bigger hit.

So I talk to our guy tomorrow, and then see. I so hate this waiting and not knowing. I really don't want to have to pull her. Even if we waited until she was 18 and then we pulled her at least then it wouldn't feel so bad. Especially since if we had to pull her now she would be back in the house and we wouldn't have a choice.

At 18 we could do an exit plan and life contract of some sort. I really was hoping we could at least get through PC III anymore to get the life contract started, even if we couldn't keep her there until graduation.

I just don't know anymore.