Hard to update when I'm not there

The title says it all. With me now working 200 miles from home ( meaning a four drive up on Sunday afternoon and back on Friday night ) I'm not really interacting with her much. Things have improved a bit though since we had a bit of a "Come to Jesus" meeting about her moving out.

I basically told her that after graduationan it is time to move on. Either she moves into a dorm, or if she goes to the local community college the she has to get an apartment. The dorm is a better option - more of an easy transition, but it is not going well having her in the house.
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Merry Fricken Christmas

Yes, this is Diane. It's been really quite hard since Mike got a short time job in Detroit. But money is money and this is a great opportunity and will hopefully help him to get a foot in the door with this company.

But when he's not home, Katie reverts back to her old old self calling me that endearing name of "fucking bitch". Yes, as Mike has noticed I have "checked out" regarding her and my relationship. I really tried to make it work when she got home, and there were some nice moments, but sadly that's all they were, moments.

When Mike got home on Christmas Eve, she was all peaches and cream. Christmas day was fine until around dinner when she reverted back to screaming about things and making everyone miserable. Even Scout has gone back to hiding again when she starts her fits.

The lies have returned and its almost like she wasn't gone for three years, and has not retained anything that they tried to teach her there. The "real" reason she quit Frisches came out when she was talking to one of Erik's friends yesterday. She was sitting on the couch talking like no one else was around when Mike and I were just steps away. Though she exclaimed to us -- sometimes at the top of her lungs -- the "real" reason was because her grades were being affected, we all knew that was a lie. I even went so far as to talk with her manager to make sure she wasn't fired. No, she quit. No two week notice and at the beginning of Christmas break when she could have been pulling in the dough. Just another of her extremely bad choices in life. It seems that she thrives on negativity. Oh, and if you're wondering, the "real" reason was because she didn't like some girl there. Big fricken deal. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. You will go through life and every job you have there will be someone that rubs you the wrong way.

Today we had our big family meeting before Mike left. We didn't have one when he wasn't here because he is the calming person in it all. It can very quickly break down to a screaming match -- with Katie doing the screaming and then she storms off and cries in her bedroom, playing the victim and drama queen to the hilt.

Mike laid ground rules that this was not to be a session of pointing fingers and we all have things to work on around here, which I agree with. When it was Katies turn she came out and asked "of the two family leaders sitting here" why she hadn't been kicked out yet! I asked her if that was her goal because she truly has been acting like it. She has been making sure to push every button she can to see if we will. And I guess if it were just my decision -- which I'm very glad it's not -- she would be out of here. But luckily Mike has the solid, calm head in the family. Plus it's HIS daughter, it's not my blood daughter and I would maybe feel differently if she was.

I spend my days longer at work, or up in my room again just to make sure there is no fight or confrontation. But then since I'm not around she'll start picking a fight with the boys and they end up coming to me to try to knock sense into her. We've all had it.

When she was having a screaming fit at Jon the other night (it was amazing how calm Jon was through the whole thing!) she said she is planning on getting an apartment with a friend in April or May. He tried telling her that in order to get an apartment you have to have a job, a steady source of income. But she knows everything, rules don't pertain to her. I truly feel she'll have to hit ALL the bumps in the road that life will bring before she learns anything.

Sad but true.

Hope I make it through the next few days until Mike gets back here. Lord, give me strength.
-D

Consequences

It amazes me sometimes how, after all this time in the program, Katie still doesn't understand that actions have consequences, or in this case inaction.

She is really struggling in one of her math classes. So she asked me last night for a ride in early to school to work on her math. Not a huge deal, I do this at least once a week as her brother has German club before school as well.

So I get dressed and go downstairs, turn on everyone's lights and tell them to get up. Her other brother is already in the shower.

Come 7:05, I go back up and she is still in bed. I yell at her and her youngest brother. At 7:20 she comes down staird and goes out for a cigarette, since she is not allowed to smoke on the property. She then comes in and says she is ready to go.

Well the bus comes at 7:28. They are the last pickup on the bus - after they get on it is straight to the school. It is 7:26. I say too late - the bus is here, it will get you to school as quickly as I can. There is no reason to waste the gas and my time. If she wanted to be there early, then she should have gotten up on time. So she is pretty mad at me this morning.

I feel bad because I want to be as encouraging and helpful as possible, especially with trying to get her math grade up. But actions have consequences, and I have to stand firm on this. (Just like I won't give her a ride to work because it is three blocks from the house - it is very difficult to find any place closer. Sure it is cold some times - but that is what coats are for.)

Back up to level 3

Well, things are going, if not as well as I'd like, they are at least going. Katie is back up to level three as of yesterday. She is still smoking unfortunately, but there isn't much I can do there. There is still a lot of conflict going on between her and her brothers - and both sides are guilty of instigating it.

Katie is starting to learn some of the harsh realities of economics in the real world. With her job, she needed bank accounts. Yep, she already bounced some. First she ordered some CD's online (at Amazon) and had it come from her savings - the first mistake. Then she didn't have enough to cover it, so had to deal with the bank charges, and then the vendor charges as well. Of course she didn't have that kind of money - so now her allowance goes to me until it is taken care of. I said that I would help her this once, and have also started doing a check on her accounts to make sure she is actually writing EVERYTHING down in her register - or she earns a Cat 2.

It is very frustrating as a parent to watch your children insist on making the same stupid mistakes, and not listening when we tell them how to avoid them. I just think it would be nice, if, for once, they would listen and not have to do all the stupid things for themselves.

But hey, we all have our fantasies.

Questioning the church

The day to day things seem to be going ok for now.

Katie is smoking again, unfortunately, but as an adult I can't stop her.

She has decided to 'take a break' from her church for a bit - she is struggling to find herself and just isn't liking some of the answers she is getting there for her questions. She doesn't like to admit that I might ever have a point before the world hits her over the head with it. I tried to explain to her months ago that she did not know most of what the Mormon church is about, and would just be starting to investigate it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the LDS church any more than I am any other - I respect their beliefs even if I don't agree with them, and I respect their right to have them without judging them (i.e. I don't consider their beliefs wrong - they just aren't what I believe).

Katie is just struggling with the role of women in their society (i.e. as wives, taking care of the family - generally not the breadwinners nor having careers) as well as the strong family orientation - specifically how it excludes those who aren't in the church. She is upset that her family is not part of the church - doesn't like the idea of going to heaven without her family. Fairly admirable in some ways when you look at it.

I never forced her to go to church, and supported her exploring and questioning them.

The only regret I have if she does leave it is the good people in the church, and the positive influence there. She really needs that support.

Back to square one, or less

Things were going well. So we thought. Then I get a call yesterday - and Katie is suspended from school for three days, for walking off school grounds, and having tobaco on school property. Basically a person who lives near the school saw a bunch of kids smoking in their yard so called the school, and when they came back they were busted.

She managed to come up with something not in the home contract. It will be though. It is a cat 4 - immediate loss of all points and levels.

Diane is so mad she can't see straight, not only about the suspension but also the smoking.

While I don't like he smoking, she is eighteen, and it is not illegal. It will not happen in the house.

Now we are also having some interpretation issues on the contract - she has no unsurpervised activities - but does that mean she isn't allowed to leave the house at all? I am not a prison guard, this is not a jail.

If she is going to smoke, I'd rather know about it, and I have less of an issue with her walking across the street to do it - but Diane has major issues.

Diane is also upset with how I'm handling this, though she hasn't all I've been able to determine is that I didn't yell enough - though I don't see where that would have helped at all.

At minimum it is going to be a bit tense around here for a while.

So much to do, so little time

I seem to have no time to update my blogs lately - and never think of them when I'm at home.

Katie is doing well. She has started her job, and just got a savings and checking account today. She has started to find the joy of working (i.e. there is none, but at least you get paid).

Four years ago today

Hard to believe now that Katie is back home and doing reasonably well, but it was four years ago today that we had her escorted to the school. (Ok, technically it was a 2 am in the morning, but the date was the same). I didn't even think about it until she mentioned it.

I hope it was worth it.

First day at work

Yesterday was Katie's first day at her new job - delayed because of the storm. She was fairly nervous and excited the night before, and when I got home Diane said she looked good in her uniform.

Then she got home - and reality had reached up and smacked her in the face big time. She wasn't at all happy about having to start her training by busing tables. And was extremely tired - so much so that her ride came this morning and we got a call they were waiting outside - though she was up I'm thinking she might have dozed off waiting.

It will be interesting to see her reaction to her first check, and how much our dear old uncle takes out of it!

Among the gainfully employed!

Katie went in for a 2nd interview yesterday, and got the job at a local Frisch's Big Boy! One of the best parts it is all of 2-3 blocks from the house - walking distance even in winter and bad weather (she was a little disappointed when I said that no, I was not giving her a ride to the interview yesterday).

This will help to fill some of her time now - between school, the job, church and her wanting to help out with the band she will definitely be busy. I did specify that she has some priorities - school first, then the job, and then the other stuff.

Her first day is Friday. I don't know how long she will be there - but Friday is also a home football game - so I'm guess she won't be able to help out there like she did at the first one. But those are choices we all have to make in life.

Teenagers and relationships

I'm not yet so old that I can't still remember being a teenager - and remembering that it sucks. High school sucks. Hormones raging through your body sucks. Puberty sucks.

Of course, then you graduate, get a job, an life goes downhill from there :-)

Katie is struggling a bit with relationships. I feel for her, but I can't take this burden, of learning how to deal with people, from her. Being so sheltered for the past three years doesn't help in the real world. She needs to learn both to be more open in some situations, and much, much less in others.

She likes a boy. I don't know at this point if the feelings are reciprocated or not. And it won't be simply either way. Problem is she told another girl, who then turned around and started flirting with him - not a good thing, but a typical teenage girl thing.

Then it didn't help that she got a bad sunburn on her face this weekend helping with the band. That is really hurting her self confidence. Which isn't a good thing, because she has a 2nd job interview tonight. It will be great if she gets this though - because it less than three blocks from the house! (Though she was a bit upset that I wouldn't give her a ride there this evening - I doubt I will even be home in time to.)

One other thing - it looks like the September issue of the schools newsletter is out - with an article by Katie in it! I do like that they still use it even after she left without graduating.

The beat goes on

Things are still going ok. Katie earned her level 3 at home this week, which was good. She didn't like facing up to the fact that since she still hasn't been able to find a job, she can't get / do all the things she wants. Specifically the class ring orders were today - and I'm not going to pay for one (I'm not sure it is even worth it) and she was upset about it, but not much I can do about that. She apologized today, but the fact remains that learning the value of a dollar is still a bit lesson for her.

First days of school

are tiring. Yesterday was the first day, and so of course it meant that we had to do even more school supply shopping last night.

Katie and I had a wee bit of a verbal tussle, though it was as much or more my fault than hers. All over issues that weren't hers, but all the kids, however she just happened to be the one that I unfairly unloaded on, and then she took it way past where it needed to go. So she isn't really talking to me today, but I think after some cooling off it will be better. And the table is FINALLY cleaned off, with baskets for everyone's crap!

I'm a bit concerned that her friend from the program seems to be awol lately - I haven't heard back from her in a few weeks. Nothing much I can do there.

She got home tonight and introduced a friend from church - a girl that used to live close to us back in our old apartment - what over six years ago now? She is a junior, but in her church group as well as school - so it sounds like she has a friend at school finally, which is a really good thing. I didn't recognize her AT ALL, but then kids do grow quite a bit over the years.

Irregularity

(In posting at least).

I have noticed that without the regulararity of a phone call every week, I don't seem to have the regular point to post an update.

Things are going fairly well. Some communication issues for Katie, both with her older brother (now temporarily resolved since he has moved into his apartment two hours away) and with the rest of us, but we are trying to work through it.

Next week starts school - this will be really good as Katie has been very bored every day with nothing to do. Plus her Mormon Seminary class starts monday as well - at 5:50 AM every morning. That will truly show here committment to get herself up every morning at 5 and get over there.

The Honeymoon Continues...

Well, things are still going ok. Jon is now in his apartment so THAT sibling rivalry won't be going on every day. Matt is at Scout Leadership Camp and doesn't get home until Monday. Hope he's having a good time. Katie will have just gotten back from church, and Mike and Erik are out mowing lawns. I'm at work.

School is fast approaching, just 8 calendar days away. So I guess this week will consist of school shopping. Oh boy. I'll probably take both the boys together, and then just Katie so we can have some girl time. She is much pickier about the clothes she wears now, which I'm glad. She has learned more feminine ways while at school. She take care of her hair, wears makeup very lightly, and keeps saying how she enjoys being a girl. Oh, and her senior pics are Friday.

Two of the biggest things that seem to be popping up all of a sudden are "crushes" on two boys. One is from her church, the other is her brothers' friend, and also goes to church with her. Both are 2 years younger than her. I've talked with her a bit about the brothers friend, saying that would be a REALLY bad thing to pursue, and she seemed to understand, but these feelings are all so new to her and she's unsure how to deal with them. Mike and I both can see that these crushes are probably because they are the only two boys that really have talked and paid attention to her. That worries us a bit. In a way that is typical -- she used to be all over someone that showed her any attention, and practically buying their friendship. This is pretty much the same, except the stakes could be higher. We've always thought that she would marry and get pregnant (and possibly not in that order) the first boy that says he love her.

She is still trying to do too much for everyone. Still trying to make her brothers see that her way is "right", but all in all, I think we're doing ok. Her maturity level is more where I think it should be, not overly mature, but not always acting like a little girl, either.

We'll keep plugging away.
-D

Continuing on

Which is you can do. Katie has earned enough points for level 2 at home now, and things are still going relatively well. She has been having some issues with the older brother Jon, but that actually will resolve itself this weekend as he moves into his apartment on Saturday.

She is registered for school and has her class schedule - which doesn't sound too bad though she has to take two math courses at the same time to graduate, as well as pass the Ohio Graduation Test in October (and a final chance in March). School starts two weeks from tomorrow - hard to believe already.

oops

an quick apology to my loyal readers (and you know who both of you are :-) ) for the post yesterday, that was meant for my personal blog, not this one.

So I am at band camp, which means that I haven't seen her all week, though I have talked to her on the phone a couple of times and she still seems to be doing well. Diane and I talked a bit about her home contract and how we do points. She wasn't sure if a category didn't apply one day if she should get 0 points or 2. Since I look at this as building her levels, she shouldn't be penalized (i.e. 0 points) if there is nothing to do - just getting a 'standard' value.

Day 6

Well things are going pretty well, as I expected. No real issues yet. The biggest thing I notice now (aside form my grocery bill seeming to skyrocket, but that is probably not a direct correlation) is that Katie is simply trying too much, too hard. Jumping into as much as she can, always wanting to help and do everything with everybody.

At our first family meeting on Sunday we discussed this a bit - the fact that she needs to build the relationships back with her brothers, and not just jump into them going full speed ahead.

She is getting involved with her church, and that should be a good thing. She has put in several job applications, also a good thing. So we just keep going for now.

Long time no post

I've never been one for journaling, writing in a diary, or keeping track of every bit of food that goes in my mouth and writing in this blog is no different. That's why Mike has written the bulk of entries here.

But right now, Mike is in a car with Katie, heading to the Vegas airport. I've talked with both of them. She said she cried a bit, mostly because she couldn't say goodbye. But she's excited to be coming home, excited to see the boys and Scout. I told her I hope we can have a fresh start and things will go well.

Mike did give her our home contract and she has read it and understands there are new rules to live by.

I didn't sleep well last night. I think I turned off the tv sometime after 3am when Girl, Interuppted was just finishing on HBO. Very apropos, I guess. I am worried that Katie will go back to old ways, and so will I. Mike reminds me that we have more "tools" to use now and we are much stronger as a couple and as a family. I agree, but I still worry. I know she's not "fixed", I know there will be ups and downs. I just really hope that if she chooses to not follow the rules and has to leave the house that she doesn't start cutting, or actually follow thru with her threat of suicide -- which I truly feel was always just a cry for help. Though I know we can't make her do anything anymore, things are HER choices, I would still feel horrible.

I will not hold any past grudges, I am willing to make this a fresh start. The boys, however, are having some problems. There is a lot of anger there towards her, money spent on her that could have been spent for family vacations or other things. They just don't understand why she wouldn't just do what needs to be done and get out of there as soon as she could instead of just sitting there for 3 years. And no one can really answer those things except her. And I have a feeling that those questions will be posed to her in the coming days.

The boys have already tried the "well, I'm sleeping at so-and-so's house on Wednesday night" trick, but we said no, they will welcome her home. It's not a celebration, as it could and should have been, but we will ALL start with a clean slate. Yes, there will be more rules for awhile, and more accountability will be held, but they are going to be alright.

The oldest even said he wishes he could get into his apartment sooner so he just wouldn't have to be around her at all. And I understand his thoughts on this because he's the one that has gotten to talk with her the most and he is the one that she has really ripped into the most, both on the phone and through letters. And he says he's not holding back when she gets home. He will not put up with her trying to push her "program" onto him. I told him I understand but to try to just welcome her home with an open mind and give her a chance.

It's going to be interesting! Stay tuned.
-D

T - 44 hours and counting

I leave at 10 tomorrow morning, and will get into Vegas about 2:30 MDT (gaining 2 hours). Then the 2 hour drive to Utah.

I will be at the school at 8:00 am on Wednesday, and our flight out of Vegas it about 3 pm, so I'm hoping to leave by 11, and that shouldn't be a problem. 'B' plans on meeting with Katie and I, and they will get her stuff for us to pack up, and we are out of there. No goodbyes or anything - because we are pulling her we are effectively cut off from the program.

After almost three years, $150, we run out of money and that is it. No support, no access to the BBS, no more seminars, nothing. No reunion keys, no staffing. I don't like it, but it is our choice.

I am not happy about the lack of support for any transition plan from them, but am very grateful for the support we have gotten from local familes we have met through the program. I had really hoped to hav gotten past PC III, to see what we could learn there, and get the free family coaching. But none of that - in 44 hours we are on our own.

We have a home contract, and I think it will work. Her older brother has been working on her room - though he will be VERY busy the next two days to get it cleaned out completely - he had wanted it done last week but as is typical is waiting to the very last minute.

I'm taking Thursday off work since it is her first day home, to help a little with the transition. I have no idea how many clothes she will have from the school - I know she only has one other outfit, that we bought here during our pass before Christmas last year. So that is one of the first things - to get her clothes because after all, she has lost about 30 lbs since she was home over three years ago.

It will be a big change having her home - she hasn't lived here for the past 39 months (except for one week, she left in May of 2005).

I have to hope for the best, and stay strong and live by our values.