Two steps forward, one step back

*sigh*
I talked to Katie and her counselor on our bi-weekly call. Unfortunately she seems to be slipping back a bit, though at least she recognizes it.
Everyone says not to get caught up in levels or points or advancement. It just gets hard hearing how it seems that everyone else is moving on, and getting invitations to PC1, and knowing it will be at least July before that can happen (since she has choosen out of Discovery next month already, then the earliest she could finish it is June). I miss her, and I'm worried about paying for the next year, or even the year after that.
She is still resisting the program. She gets written up for things like not cleaning or not following directions. She isn't in Orange, but she is still level 1 and not going anywhere.
M-

Forums - finally

We have finally got forums set up. Please go and register and share your experiences and your issues with your teen. This is not program specific, so you can to talk to people at any school. ParentHelp Forums
M-

Site improvements coming

One of my major goals has been to expand this beyond just me (and occasionally Diane) sounding off into the dark. And that is finally one step closer to fruition. The new BBS for this site has been created. At this point it kind of looks like crap, as nothing has yet been set up (default across the board), but it is almost to the point where I can start to play with it to get it set up!! So watch this space, and soon there will be forums for people to discuss the issues they are having, ask questions, and share what is happening in their lives.

M-

Two steps forward, One step back

I had our bi-weekly call with the family rep yesterday, and (as always) it went well. Katie is doing well in school, that isn't an issue for her. It should never have been, she is a very smart girl, just unfocussed there. This past week has been rough for her, falling back a bit into old habits. She didn't get her Discovery homework done in time, so chose out of the next Discovery in April. She talked to her therapist, and asked if there was a way she could do extra work and get back in, and he said no. She went all the way to the head of the program but still got the same answer - that she would have to live with the results she created - no one was going to rescue her any more.
She took it hard, but this is such a pattern in her life - not doing something then trying to avoid any consequences for it. Well she is definitely in the right place to learn that actions and choices have consequences - good or bad.
I think she is most upset because on Friday, during our therapy call, she really started to go on about missing me, and missing home. It has been long enough that this is definitely starting to sink in. I plan to write her and let her know that she has to work her program to get the results she wants. It is hard to think that she won't be in Discovery before June, which means that there is no possibility of us seeing her before July or August, and that only if she doesn't choose out again. It really looks like she might be there a full year before we see her again.
One good note - she has lost 37 pounds so far! She actually weighs less than I do right now!!! That is wonderful. Just the fact that she is back into 'normal' sizes - so that when she does come home we will actually be able to find clothes for her to wear.

Mike

One down, Four to go

Diane and I attended our first "Keys to Success" seminar this past weekend, "Being in Relationship". It was really good. Not nearly as powerful as Discovery or Focus, but I expected that, being only two day seminars instead of 3 and 4 days, respectively.
I really enjoy these - it is great seeing the other the other parents, and this was a bit more interesting as people who had previously been staff for our seminars were now attending these instead. Kind of like the first time you saw a teacher in the supermarket or anywhere outside of school - it is weird the first time to see them as ordinary people.
One thing we have learned is that you can't plan anything during the seminar - from when it starts to when it ends just keep thinking of yourself as in the seminar. For both Discovery and Focus we tried to plan dinner with other couples - doesn't work. We have thought that next time it might be fun to see who can come in early, and maybe go out the night before (right now we are thinking about seeing Blue Man Group).
I had a therapy call Friday afternoon with Katie that went well. I had to tell her that her grandmother had died in December, and she handled it really well I think. I waited so long because her mother wanted to tell her (it was her side of the family) - but she never did - and Katie deserved to know. I'll talk to the family rep tomorrow night and see how she did with it this weekend.
M-

stealing

In my last letter to Katie, I mentioned in her life story that she didn't mention the lying or stealing. Well I got a letter today admitting both, though I don't know how 'factual' it is. She didn't mention her mother in it, and said she had stolen over $100 from her younger brothers - which I find hard to believe because they never had that much missing. But the amounts don't matter as much as that she is coming clean with it.
Tomorrow we head to our first Keys to Success seminar. I sure hope I feel better, or it will be an exceptionally loooong drive to Chicago. I am looking forward to the seminar however - so far they have always left me with such a strong feeling - the seminar high. I also look forward to talking to one of the members of my focus family - she visited her facility this week after what she read in 'that book', and I'm very anxious to find out what she found out.
M-

A bit nervous...

Well, it's Thursday 3/9/06 and tomorrow Mike and I drive to Chicago for our third seminar. He's been sick the last couple of days so I hope he's up for the trip and the stress of the seminar.

He's been good at doing homework, but I haven't. I feel very nervous about being confronted about it by Lou. With my focus family call on Tuesday, it seems over half have their homework done and are really working it. When Mike and I tried to discuss it last week, I got real defensive and I'm not sure why. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out why I am having such a hard time with it this time. Well, to be honest, I haven't been real good at any of the homework. Is it because she's my "step" daughter and not a blood relative? Mike says to "do it for the family" and I understand what he's saying, but for some reason I still don't want to do it. I don't know. Just not feeling very worthy lately, though other parts of my life are doing well. Hope I can get this figured out.
-Diane

Credentials

Talked with Katie's therapist today. He sounds like a great guy. He actually called early because he needed to move our appointment. I was at the store, but called back when I got home.
First I discussed telling Katie about her grandmother. He agreed she needed to know, and we wouldn't wait for her mother to call. So I'll do this on Friday when we have our counseling call.
I then talked to him about his credientials. BS from BYU, MS from UNLV, both on Social Work, and fully licensed by the state of Utah. Personally, I feel that a Social Work degree is a bit weaker than a psychology one, (kind of like an MIS degree vs. Computer Science degree), but some of the best therapist I've had were social workers. But he does have credentials. We talked about the book, and he remembers something about the visit, but doesn't remember if he talked to her or not.
He did say that because of the therapy, their program was different than all the others, and they had to have state licensing that other schools did not. The others were just behavior modification programs, not residential treatment centers. Of course, he also said that while Katie was making progress, she was "quite a project" - yet another of those highly technical terms.
Diane and I talked, and we feel better. I'm very curious how my friend that told me about the book is doing, and what she will find out at her school.

M-

The Book

Well I finished 'the book'. It is Help at Any Cost by Maia Szalavitz. I have very mixed feelings about this. But I did want to start this as a source of information for other parents in similiar situations.

The author is very strongly against any of the 'tough love' programs, and focuses on three of them, one of which is the association to which my daughters school belongs. She is going to Cross Creek Manor - which of all the places she talked about came out the most favorable. It does have certified therapist working with the girls (and boys in the other side). Which is also why it is the most expensive.

If my daughter were out of the country I would be much more concerned. In fact, we first looked at Jamaica because of the significantly reduced cost, but decided against it.

There are other alternatives out there - but these are difficult to find, and even more difficult to get information on - again why I started this. So as a source of information this book is out there.

I don't agree with some of it. I have attended both Discovery and Focus - two of the seminars that the schools provide, and have read her report on a couple who left in the middle of them. I would challenge the author to keep a truly open mind, and try experiencing these herself before declaring how damaging they are. I did not see some of the things described here, and where the seminars do work to question your values, they do not attempt to impose any on you.

I do believe that the seminars are valuable, and I'm heading to my third this weekend. I think my daughter is in a good program, and while there are questions, the growth I can hear in my daughter leads me to still believe I have made the right decision.

M-

Disturbing

I picked up and am reading the book "Help at Any Cost" by Maia Szalavitz. I'm not halfway through yet - but it is an expose' on the "tough love" program - including the one my daughter is in. I haven't gotten to the part about her program yet, and I'm not looking forward to it. One of the members of my focus family pointed me to this book - she is going to her program this weekend to question them directly about it.

I'm very mixed on this, as at this point I don't know what I would have ever done with Katie except what we did. We could not control her, and the therapy she was in wasn't helping. I really hate second guessing myself about things as well.

But at least I seem to be able to get some of the old information up. It isn't quite the way I want it (would be nice to all be blog entries), but it is 'close enough for government work'
M-

Darn Tools

Stupid computer tools. I went in and re-wrote some of the links and added pages for prior months, so that even though I didn't start this until January, I could put in old entries for September through December. But as soon as I used the tool, it overwrote all I had done darnnit. Have to find a way around that - there is probably a file that controls this I'll have to hack a bit.
Well, I got links that will do what I want, but managed to lose all I had written about in September - but it is still on my home PC. I'll have to fix that tonight. *sigh*
M-

Getting better . . . one day at a time

Had our weekly call with the parent rep last night. It was good. She wanted to emphasize how much improvement she was seeing in Katlyn, although she is still not making progress. She did not get voted up to level 2 yet. She is still struggling with the rules - getting written up for things like not cleaning her room, talking when she shouldn't, etc. It is huge improvements over when she started, but she has such a long way to go.
I get a bit frustrated (which is my problem, not hers) listening to other parents whose kids are going through much faster. One family who we have met at the seminars had their daughter go in the same time as Katie, and she just graduated Discovery. Katie is hoping to go to Discovery next month, but she had procrastinated on her homework to prepare for it - and if she didn't have it ready by her meeting this morning then she wouldn't be going this round at all. I want her to succeed and graduate, but I do worry about he cost. Not right now, but when we have to take out the second loan for September (assuming that we can get the loan). If we don't get a loan then we will be hurting big time. And the references aren't happening yet either.
On a more positive note, met the Dayton / Cincinnati / Northern Kentucky support group this past weekend - this group is even bigger than the Columbus one we went to the previous weekend. Several of the people there will also be at our Keys seminar next weekend, which is good as well. I think there they break you out regionally, not randomly like the others. But we'll see. Not looking forward to the drive back and forth to Chicago, but flights didn't come down in price this time - and we can't afford $600 for plane tickets. That is one expense we did not anticipate - attending these seminars in Chicago every other month. By the time we are done it will have been 7 weekends (one of those 3 days, one 4) in Chicago, two in Utah and one in California. *sigh*.
M-

Smiling Faces

They posted a new group picture today, and there is Katie's smiling face, front and center. It is a shame she is so shy around the camera :-). Actually this is part of her issues - always wanting to be the center of attention. It is nice in her Orientation picture - for once she doesn't stand out - she is just part of the group. It is nice too - they won't let her wear bangs at all, and her face really opens up when half of it isn't hidden by hair!
We talked on Friday (her therapist had president's day off, and I was out of town taking my oldest son to see his new college for next year). A good conversation, brought up a few issues. She is saying now that she really wants to graduate the program - so that is a little encouraging. It will be more so to see her really working it - she still gets lots of demerits. But one thing she set as a goal was to be back home so she could actually attend her prom like normal - a good goal if you ask me.
She did put together a list of questions for Diane and I to fill out that she sent us - so I have a bit of homework to do. We also got her some more paper and crayons, and a care bear. Some of the things she wants, and needs. But we don't want her to feel entitled either.
It is nice to get these pictures and see her smiling.
M-

The more things change . . .

We talked with our family rep last night. Katie is doing very well. However she broke her glasses again. And she brought up that she wants contacts, and her older brother got contacts at 16. Hmmmmm.....
Just because we see a little progress doesn't mean things are fixed. We all fell this is a deliberate manipulation attempt on her part - break her glasses so we 'have' to get her contacts. Well this won't work, sorry.
One of the big points for contacts with her older brother was responsibilitiy. He had to show he could take care of them. I think Katie needs to show the same thing - but she can't begin to do this while she is in the program. So, after she graduates and shows us that she is responsible enough for them, then she can get contacts. Until then, a little tape doesn't hurt anyone. We will check into getting new glasses for her (it is time anyway) though the options near the school are, well limited is putting it midly. So we'll see what the insurance will do with it.
M-

One small step

I just got off the phone with Katlyn and her therapist. The great news is she finally passed her Orientation, and is going up for Level 2 next week. It isn't a lot, but it is progress, and progress is always good.
It was one of the more emotional calls, as we are now getting started doing some therapy on the phone. Up until now it has just been talking, but no real depth, and that is what we are starting.
She said that she has completed her autobiography and I should get that soon. This is the 'dreaded' confession letter - the one where she tells us everything that was going on, and it is supposed to be everything. Other parents I've talked to have simply been shocked when they get these, not realizing all that had truly been happening. A vital and necesarry part of the process, but not one to look forward to.M-

The anticipation . . .

talked with Katie's therapist yesterday. Things are looking good. She had was still in Orientation during the call, which is a good thing - she had made it nearly half way through. Now to hope she graduates today. I call him again on Friday to see if she made it, or hear why she didn't. He wants to actually get started working on issues with her, which is a good thing, and means she is making progress.
But the wait, and not knowing --- very frustrating.
M-

Sure and Steady

We had our semi-weekly call with the family rep last night, and it was very positive. Katy has been soliciting feedback from others and working on her issues, and several people have commented that she is making good progress. Things look very good for her to actually finish orientation this weekend, which will be great! She says she wants a stuffed animal, and so far I have acknowledged her request, but I have not said that I would do anything about it. We are waiting for her to graduate, then she will get that as a present. But we want to help to break that idea of entitlement - such that just because she wants something means that we will get it for her. So things are looking good so far - now just to wait until Monday to hear how she is doing in Orientation.M-

From Diane

Well, I finally wrote Katie a letter. I was very honest and didn't "sugar coat" anything, but was not mean either. I did include that I was very proud of her for finally starting to work the program and that it would be hard, but anything worth having is usually hard to get. I have received two letters from her and they've been very sweet and almost apologetic but not going quite that far. She says she wants to work on our relationship and I truly hope so. I think these seminars have really helped me also, and I hope I can get past the hurts and "be the adult" as I've been told. Not sure what she will say in her next letter. I hope she stays in the orientation for the whole weekend and not give up. Not sure how she'll do when she gets to Focus but hopefully she'll be much stronger by then. That's a tough one, but totally worth it. Other than that, I am slowly working on my Focus homework and have another one of my "Focus Family" small group calls next week. We are all keeping in touch by email and that's nice to have those contacts. I spent a couple hours today dropping off pamphlets to some of the area police departments and talked with the inpatient place Katie was at last a few times last year. They want me to drop off 20-25 of them and think it sounds like a great thing. I also talked with her last therapist and she took 2 copies of the pamphlets, and also thought it was great information to know.
-Diane

Getting Ready for Orientation. Again

I talked with the therapist on Friday, and with Katie. She is trying to prepare to go back to Orientation next weekend. I'm hoping that she will graduate this time, and not 'choose out' again. I know they say not to get hung up on levels or advancement - but after four months you want to see something, some tangible movement forward. She has been asking for a stuffed animal. I hope to get her one as a present for graduating focus. I don't want it where she just gets things without earning them anymore. I haven't told her that is what I want to do, so we'll see.

M-

Coming back to reality

Well, as all things do, the buzz from focus is fading. My 'focus family' had their first call last night, which went well. The first week afterward is the easiest, it is now going to get a wee bit more challenging to keep everyone working on our goals etc.

I have a semi-weekly call with Katie's therapist, every other Monday at 7:30. Well he just called me, and we'll do it on Friday this week because he has some family obligations. Not a big deal, though I was hoping a bit to talk with Katie. I'm having a real hard time writing letters - simply running out of things to say in a letter. It seems so formal and stunted - hard to get any real communication going. And so far her letters haven't had much in the way of substance.