Credentials

Talked with Katie's therapist today. He sounds like a great guy. He actually called early because he needed to move our appointment. I was at the store, but called back when I got home.
First I discussed telling Katie about her grandmother. He agreed she needed to know, and we wouldn't wait for her mother to call. So I'll do this on Friday when we have our counseling call.
I then talked to him about his credientials. BS from BYU, MS from UNLV, both on Social Work, and fully licensed by the state of Utah. Personally, I feel that a Social Work degree is a bit weaker than a psychology one, (kind of like an MIS degree vs. Computer Science degree), but some of the best therapist I've had were social workers. But he does have credentials. We talked about the book, and he remembers something about the visit, but doesn't remember if he talked to her or not.
He did say that because of the therapy, their program was different than all the others, and they had to have state licensing that other schools did not. The others were just behavior modification programs, not residential treatment centers. Of course, he also said that while Katie was making progress, she was "quite a project" - yet another of those highly technical terms.
Diane and I talked, and we feel better. I'm very curious how my friend that told me about the book is doing, and what she will find out at her school.

M-

The Book

Well I finished 'the book'. It is Help at Any Cost by Maia Szalavitz. I have very mixed feelings about this. But I did want to start this as a source of information for other parents in similiar situations.

The author is very strongly against any of the 'tough love' programs, and focuses on three of them, one of which is the association to which my daughters school belongs. She is going to Cross Creek Manor - which of all the places she talked about came out the most favorable. It does have certified therapist working with the girls (and boys in the other side). Which is also why it is the most expensive.

If my daughter were out of the country I would be much more concerned. In fact, we first looked at Jamaica because of the significantly reduced cost, but decided against it.

There are other alternatives out there - but these are difficult to find, and even more difficult to get information on - again why I started this. So as a source of information this book is out there.

I don't agree with some of it. I have attended both Discovery and Focus - two of the seminars that the schools provide, and have read her report on a couple who left in the middle of them. I would challenge the author to keep a truly open mind, and try experiencing these herself before declaring how damaging they are. I did not see some of the things described here, and where the seminars do work to question your values, they do not attempt to impose any on you.

I do believe that the seminars are valuable, and I'm heading to my third this weekend. I think my daughter is in a good program, and while there are questions, the growth I can hear in my daughter leads me to still believe I have made the right decision.

M-

Disturbing

I picked up and am reading the book "Help at Any Cost" by Maia Szalavitz. I'm not halfway through yet - but it is an expose' on the "tough love" program - including the one my daughter is in. I haven't gotten to the part about her program yet, and I'm not looking forward to it. One of the members of my focus family pointed me to this book - she is going to her program this weekend to question them directly about it.

I'm very mixed on this, as at this point I don't know what I would have ever done with Katie except what we did. We could not control her, and the therapy she was in wasn't helping. I really hate second guessing myself about things as well.

But at least I seem to be able to get some of the old information up. It isn't quite the way I want it (would be nice to all be blog entries), but it is 'close enough for government work'
M-

Darn Tools

Stupid computer tools. I went in and re-wrote some of the links and added pages for prior months, so that even though I didn't start this until January, I could put in old entries for September through December. But as soon as I used the tool, it overwrote all I had done darnnit. Have to find a way around that - there is probably a file that controls this I'll have to hack a bit.
Well, I got links that will do what I want, but managed to lose all I had written about in September - but it is still on my home PC. I'll have to fix that tonight. *sigh*
M-

Getting better . . . one day at a time

Had our weekly call with the parent rep last night. It was good. She wanted to emphasize how much improvement she was seeing in Katlyn, although she is still not making progress. She did not get voted up to level 2 yet. She is still struggling with the rules - getting written up for things like not cleaning her room, talking when she shouldn't, etc. It is huge improvements over when she started, but she has such a long way to go.
I get a bit frustrated (which is my problem, not hers) listening to other parents whose kids are going through much faster. One family who we have met at the seminars had their daughter go in the same time as Katie, and she just graduated Discovery. Katie is hoping to go to Discovery next month, but she had procrastinated on her homework to prepare for it - and if she didn't have it ready by her meeting this morning then she wouldn't be going this round at all. I want her to succeed and graduate, but I do worry about he cost. Not right now, but when we have to take out the second loan for September (assuming that we can get the loan). If we don't get a loan then we will be hurting big time. And the references aren't happening yet either.
On a more positive note, met the Dayton / Cincinnati / Northern Kentucky support group this past weekend - this group is even bigger than the Columbus one we went to the previous weekend. Several of the people there will also be at our Keys seminar next weekend, which is good as well. I think there they break you out regionally, not randomly like the others. But we'll see. Not looking forward to the drive back and forth to Chicago, but flights didn't come down in price this time - and we can't afford $600 for plane tickets. That is one expense we did not anticipate - attending these seminars in Chicago every other month. By the time we are done it will have been 7 weekends (one of those 3 days, one 4) in Chicago, two in Utah and one in California. *sigh*.
M-

Smiling Faces

They posted a new group picture today, and there is Katie's smiling face, front and center. It is a shame she is so shy around the camera :-). Actually this is part of her issues - always wanting to be the center of attention. It is nice in her Orientation picture - for once she doesn't stand out - she is just part of the group. It is nice too - they won't let her wear bangs at all, and her face really opens up when half of it isn't hidden by hair!
We talked on Friday (her therapist had president's day off, and I was out of town taking my oldest son to see his new college for next year). A good conversation, brought up a few issues. She is saying now that she really wants to graduate the program - so that is a little encouraging. It will be more so to see her really working it - she still gets lots of demerits. But one thing she set as a goal was to be back home so she could actually attend her prom like normal - a good goal if you ask me.
She did put together a list of questions for Diane and I to fill out that she sent us - so I have a bit of homework to do. We also got her some more paper and crayons, and a care bear. Some of the things she wants, and needs. But we don't want her to feel entitled either.
It is nice to get these pictures and see her smiling.
M-

The more things change . . .

We talked with our family rep last night. Katie is doing very well. However she broke her glasses again. And she brought up that she wants contacts, and her older brother got contacts at 16. Hmmmmm.....
Just because we see a little progress doesn't mean things are fixed. We all fell this is a deliberate manipulation attempt on her part - break her glasses so we 'have' to get her contacts. Well this won't work, sorry.
One of the big points for contacts with her older brother was responsibilitiy. He had to show he could take care of them. I think Katie needs to show the same thing - but she can't begin to do this while she is in the program. So, after she graduates and shows us that she is responsible enough for them, then she can get contacts. Until then, a little tape doesn't hurt anyone. We will check into getting new glasses for her (it is time anyway) though the options near the school are, well limited is putting it midly. So we'll see what the insurance will do with it.
M-

One small step

I just got off the phone with Katlyn and her therapist. The great news is she finally passed her Orientation, and is going up for Level 2 next week. It isn't a lot, but it is progress, and progress is always good.
It was one of the more emotional calls, as we are now getting started doing some therapy on the phone. Up until now it has just been talking, but no real depth, and that is what we are starting.
She said that she has completed her autobiography and I should get that soon. This is the 'dreaded' confession letter - the one where she tells us everything that was going on, and it is supposed to be everything. Other parents I've talked to have simply been shocked when they get these, not realizing all that had truly been happening. A vital and necesarry part of the process, but not one to look forward to.M-

The anticipation . . .

talked with Katie's therapist yesterday. Things are looking good. She had was still in Orientation during the call, which is a good thing - she had made it nearly half way through. Now to hope she graduates today. I call him again on Friday to see if she made it, or hear why she didn't. He wants to actually get started working on issues with her, which is a good thing, and means she is making progress.
But the wait, and not knowing --- very frustrating.
M-

Sure and Steady

We had our semi-weekly call with the family rep last night, and it was very positive. Katy has been soliciting feedback from others and working on her issues, and several people have commented that she is making good progress. Things look very good for her to actually finish orientation this weekend, which will be great! She says she wants a stuffed animal, and so far I have acknowledged her request, but I have not said that I would do anything about it. We are waiting for her to graduate, then she will get that as a present. But we want to help to break that idea of entitlement - such that just because she wants something means that we will get it for her. So things are looking good so far - now just to wait until Monday to hear how she is doing in Orientation.M-

From Diane

Well, I finally wrote Katie a letter. I was very honest and didn't "sugar coat" anything, but was not mean either. I did include that I was very proud of her for finally starting to work the program and that it would be hard, but anything worth having is usually hard to get. I have received two letters from her and they've been very sweet and almost apologetic but not going quite that far. She says she wants to work on our relationship and I truly hope so. I think these seminars have really helped me also, and I hope I can get past the hurts and "be the adult" as I've been told. Not sure what she will say in her next letter. I hope she stays in the orientation for the whole weekend and not give up. Not sure how she'll do when she gets to Focus but hopefully she'll be much stronger by then. That's a tough one, but totally worth it. Other than that, I am slowly working on my Focus homework and have another one of my "Focus Family" small group calls next week. We are all keeping in touch by email and that's nice to have those contacts. I spent a couple hours today dropping off pamphlets to some of the area police departments and talked with the inpatient place Katie was at last a few times last year. They want me to drop off 20-25 of them and think it sounds like a great thing. I also talked with her last therapist and she took 2 copies of the pamphlets, and also thought it was great information to know.
-Diane

Getting Ready for Orientation. Again

I talked with the therapist on Friday, and with Katie. She is trying to prepare to go back to Orientation next weekend. I'm hoping that she will graduate this time, and not 'choose out' again. I know they say not to get hung up on levels or advancement - but after four months you want to see something, some tangible movement forward. She has been asking for a stuffed animal. I hope to get her one as a present for graduating focus. I don't want it where she just gets things without earning them anymore. I haven't told her that is what I want to do, so we'll see.

M-

Coming back to reality

Well, as all things do, the buzz from focus is fading. My 'focus family' had their first call last night, which went well. The first week afterward is the easiest, it is now going to get a wee bit more challenging to keep everyone working on our goals etc.

I have a semi-weekly call with Katie's therapist, every other Monday at 7:30. Well he just called me, and we'll do it on Friday this week because he has some family obligations. Not a big deal, though I was hoping a bit to talk with Katie. I'm having a real hard time writing letters - simply running out of things to say in a letter. It seems so formal and stunted - hard to get any real communication going. And so far her letters haven't had much in the way of substance.

So it begins - somewhere in the middle

Like most weeks, this has been fairly normal, nothing special happening since we got home late Sunday. The Focus seminar was fantastic. When we went to Discovery in December, I thought that was powerful, and came back feeling great. But I'm not sure how much I was changed there. This time wasn't like that - I feel different inside and out (of course, being completely clean shaven for the first time in twenty years may have something to do with that :-) ).

I talked to our Family Rep on Tuesday - Katie is doing well. She isn't resisting, but isn't working the program either. She seems to be in that middle state of just waiting right now. She did set herself for three Cat3's this week - I'm not sure if she ended up with them or not. She is balancing precariously on whether she is going back to orange again or not. I do hope she decides to start working for the next Orientation - it would be nice for her to graduate.

Mike

Merry Christmas - I guess

Diane and I went to a movie - then got some sushi. This isn't the worst christmas ever, but it is up there in the top 2. Plus I have to work - things at work have been blowing up, and I'm spending all my holiday days working as well.
M-

Too quiet

The boys took off to see their mother in Albuquerque for Christmas, and it is already too quiet around here. We did finally put up the christmas tree, but that was it. I hate looking at it this year - there were no presents under it until we got a package from my sister. The boys present from Diane and I was the tickets out to see their mother, and with finances tight we said we weren't getting each other anything. I've had to endure christmas without the kids before, but it was always up in MN with Diane's family before we were married. Now we don't even have that, just us two, alone.
M-

Choose-Out Letter

One of the processes when a teen "chooses out" is they have to write a choose-out letter home - which we got today. In the letter Katie was fairly down on herself - I don't think you get nearly the good feeling you get graduating choosing out. We sent her our nametags from the seminar, and are hoping these might help to inspire her a bit. At home it just doesn't feel much like the holidays this year. We still haven't gotten the tree up, nor any decorations. With the boys going to be gone, it will be the first year without any family from either side for Diane and I, and we aren't looking forward to it.
M-

Choosing Out

Well, a big disappointment. I talked to our family rep tonight for our bi-weekly call, and Katie "choose out" of her Orientation seminar this past weekend. For the kids, they don't fail the seminars - instead they put in an accountable framework - and they choose not to stay in the seminars. I guess she has another shot at it in February. They don't do any of the seminars over the holidays, so it bumps the bi-monthly schedule back a bit.
M-

Discovery Graduates

WOW!!!! again - WOW!!!! Well, we are Discovery graduates. I don't know fully how to describe this - it is simply amazing. The weekend was unbelievable. And now I feel fantastic. Tired, but pumped and excited. I really enjoyed the whole thing. Diane had some problems with some of the exercises, I feel that she got caught up on the mechanics, and missed the lesson. In some ways I so want to talk about everything we did - but that could spoil the experience for anyone else who might go through it. And the key for this is not the final lessons - but the experience. They call it experiential training - and it is a process, not an end point. We have signed up for Focus - the next seminar, in January, and I for one am very excited about it.
M-

Discovery Tomorrow

We flew up to Chicago and then took a shuttle to our room. We have talked with a couple on the BBS about meeting for dinner, but we don't have any idea what they look like, when they will be in or anything. The hotel isn't all that great, but from the schedule it doesn't look like we will be spending much time in it anyway, so not a big deal. I am still a little bit bummed out about the timing of this weekend though. I had tickets to go see TransSiberian Orchestra on Sunday, and it still bothers me that I can't go this year. Katie has her orientation seminar this weekend as well - we are hoping she does well there.
M-