With the holidays going on I have not been able to stick to my routine, so I'm behind on posting to the blog. We talked with Katie on Saturday the 23rd, and her brothers actually had a chance to say hi as well. That it pretty much all that was in the call, just a chance for everyone to say Merry Christmas.
Yesterday I had what is our last call with our current therapist. While Katie is out of orange, she has not done anything to work on her program. He is moving her next week, as most of the staff is on holiday as well as us 'ordinary' people. After talking with him, we are moving her to a female therapist, to get a different perspective on things. She will call us next week to work out our calls, so I don't know when they will be now.
My frustration level is running high as ever. I got a letter saying how she was going to work at being accountable, and 'honestly' answering some of my questions about what she wanted in her life, as well as another confession letter describing how she had gotten into some personal items of Diane's and mine.
So in one way I guess we are staring over. All we can do is hope this makes a difference.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Come Clean in Orange
Well, we just got off the phone with our family rep, for what is probably the last time.
Katie is back in orange. She got a Cat 4, then several more, and did a "Come Clean", where she basically gets caught up on all the cats she should have written herself up on. So she still has some 85 tape credits yet to go since this weekend.
And that also means that we are going to have to pull the plug on the group change. Just to avoid the confusion, and since I didn't want to give out names in this blog, our old rep was K, and our therapist was G. Now it looks like our new rep is O, and new therapist is P. She is going to group K, but not until the 26th. G said he is keeping his agreement, she has two weeks to do the work to have 60% support. He had her in group N, then group B.
One of my focus sisters has a daughter in group K, and has really liked him. K said that P is a bit more 'in your face', and his group is also a bit younger, so maybe Katie will fit in a bit better there, as her maturity is definitely an issue.
We still have our call scheduled for Saturday, and then next Tuesday as well. But neither of them look to be real happy ones.
Diane and I are very frustrated at this point, and don't know what else to look at doing. At times I wonder if I'm just throwing all this money away. But then I also think that I can't have her come home like this either.
I asked some real tough questions on the last letter, and K said she was answering them 'honestly' according to the note Katie gave her. We'll really have to see about that.
Katie is back in orange. She got a Cat 4, then several more, and did a "Come Clean", where she basically gets caught up on all the cats she should have written herself up on. So she still has some 85 tape credits yet to go since this weekend.
And that also means that we are going to have to pull the plug on the group change. Just to avoid the confusion, and since I didn't want to give out names in this blog, our old rep was K, and our therapist was G. Now it looks like our new rep is O, and new therapist is P. She is going to group K, but not until the 26th. G said he is keeping his agreement, she has two weeks to do the work to have 60% support. He had her in group N, then group B.
One of my focus sisters has a daughter in group K, and has really liked him. K said that P is a bit more 'in your face', and his group is also a bit younger, so maybe Katie will fit in a bit better there, as her maturity is definitely an issue.
We still have our call scheduled for Saturday, and then next Tuesday as well. But neither of them look to be real happy ones.
Diane and I are very frustrated at this point, and don't know what else to look at doing. At times I wonder if I'm just throwing all this money away. But then I also think that I can't have her come home like this either.
I asked some real tough questions on the last letter, and K said she was answering them 'honestly' according to the note Katie gave her. We'll really have to see about that.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Last Chance
We had our therapy call last night, but Katie wasn't on it. While she wasn't in orange, she probably should have been. Her therapist is frustrated with her, and has given her an ultimatum - either she starts working the program or he is transferring her. This means that in two weeks (12/26) she has to have 60% support on her goals (meaning that she has to have 60% of the requirements met as judged by the other girls in the group) or she is going to be moved.
Her first response was to just move her now. For the fourteen months she has been there, she has yet to be accountable for anything. Whenever anyone calls her on anything, she wants to argue, rather than admitting it and being accountable for it.
I'm just worried about changing people, as both the family rep and therapist would change. The one she woudl be going to has also worked with one of the daughters from one of my focus sisters, and she is very happy with him, though her daughter is working the program. So now it is a bit of waiting, because I don't feel that she will do the work.
We do get a Christmas call on the 23rd with her, and then the 26th to see what is going to happen. And her grandparents will be here for then, so they are going to say hi as well.
I don't really know what she needs to wake her up.
Her first response was to just move her now. For the fourteen months she has been there, she has yet to be accountable for anything. Whenever anyone calls her on anything, she wants to argue, rather than admitting it and being accountable for it.
I'm just worried about changing people, as both the family rep and therapist would change. The one she woudl be going to has also worked with one of the daughters from one of my focus sisters, and she is very happy with him, though her daughter is working the program. So now it is a bit of waiting, because I don't feel that she will do the work.
We do get a Christmas call on the 23rd with her, and then the 26th to see what is going to happen. And her grandparents will be here for then, so they are going to say hi as well.
I don't really know what she needs to wake her up.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Still hanging in there
Katie is doing pretty much the same. Talking with the family rep last night; well that was the news. Her wisdom teeth seem to be coming in and bothering her, so I need to call about getting a dentist set up for her who is on our insurance.
At least she is still out of Orange, which is always a good thing. She still doesn't seem to fully acknowledge reality however, thinking that she had 50% support on her level 2 goals, when it was more like 31%, as well as believing she had more points earned than she has.
I've been better so far at trying to write her more - the key for me was to actually make an appointment once a week to write her no matter what, and so far I've managed to do this three weeks in a row. Just having that reminder is enough to get me off my butt - I wish I had that for her. And even if I don't really have anything new to say, at least it is some communication, and maybe it will help.
At least she is still out of Orange, which is always a good thing. She still doesn't seem to fully acknowledge reality however, thinking that she had 50% support on her level 2 goals, when it was more like 31%, as well as believing she had more points earned than she has.
I've been better so far at trying to write her more - the key for me was to actually make an appointment once a week to write her no matter what, and so far I've managed to do this three weeks in a row. Just having that reminder is enough to get me off my butt - I wish I had that for her. And even if I don't really have anything new to say, at least it is some communication, and maybe it will help.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Small steps
We had our bi-weekly call last night with the therapist, and Katie was still out of Orange, so she was on it as well.
The good news is he is feeling much better. Turns out he was battling Pneumonia last week, and was mis-diagnosed for a while. But he is on steroids and antibiotics now and feeling much better than he sounds. He has that Barry White 'sexy voice' thing going for him right now, deep, gravely and breathy. But I'm glad he is getting better.
Katie - well she is doing slightly better. For support she is at 33% this week, which is significantly better, but still not very good. She tried a couple of things that we talked about. One was that the therapist gave her back her journals, and she 'assumed' that meant she could have everything back. That was quickly corrected.
Also, she 'came to the realization' that she has to do things for herself, not for other people. So she decided to change her goals for herself. We again quickly corrected her, that her stated intention was good, but the goals she has are not for others, but for herself, and they aren't going to change. She has the same requirements to make level 2 that every other person there has.
It felt like most of the call was us talking - to the point of lecturing. That wasn't very effective. She is doing a tiny bit better, but right now I'm not doing anything but waiting. She has shown progress for short times before, the real key point is to start showing it consistently. So for now we just wait, and work our own program. If things go like they have in the past, then most likely she will be in Orange before our next call with her in two weeks. I can hope that she finally decides to break this pattern - at this point though I can't really tell if she will or not.
And so we wait. . .
The good news is he is feeling much better. Turns out he was battling Pneumonia last week, and was mis-diagnosed for a while. But he is on steroids and antibiotics now and feeling much better than he sounds. He has that Barry White 'sexy voice' thing going for him right now, deep, gravely and breathy. But I'm glad he is getting better.
Katie - well she is doing slightly better. For support she is at 33% this week, which is significantly better, but still not very good. She tried a couple of things that we talked about. One was that the therapist gave her back her journals, and she 'assumed' that meant she could have everything back. That was quickly corrected.
Also, she 'came to the realization' that she has to do things for herself, not for other people. So she decided to change her goals for herself. We again quickly corrected her, that her stated intention was good, but the goals she has are not for others, but for herself, and they aren't going to change. She has the same requirements to make level 2 that every other person there has.
It felt like most of the call was us talking - to the point of lecturing. That wasn't very effective. She is doing a tiny bit better, but right now I'm not doing anything but waiting. She has shown progress for short times before, the real key point is to start showing it consistently. So for now we just wait, and work our own program. If things go like they have in the past, then most likely she will be in Orange before our next call with her in two weeks. I can hope that she finally decides to break this pattern - at this point though I can't really tell if she will or not.
And so we wait. . .
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Better week
This was our week to talk with the family rep. It was a good call, but then they always are with her. Katie is still out of Orange, and earning positive points. That is a good thing. Will it last? Is she going to start working? Is this time going to be any different than the last half dozen (or more) times she has gotten out of Orange, only to go back in a few weeks later.
Do I sound cynical? I am feeling extremely frustrated right now.
The rep always asks the girls if they have any messages when she is scheduled to talk to their parents. Katie mentioned that I had said I was going to write more, and hadn't. So at least she has learned something about accountability. I just feel a bit indignant that she would call me on a broken agreement (if it even was an agreement, I said
I did write her today. I would like to write more. It is very difficult at this point though. The idea keeps going through my head lately that I'm going to end up with 30 years of fairly oppressive student loans - all for nothing. This school is going to cost about $150,000 to get her to age 18. More than I make in a year. The loan payments are already approaching the mortgage payment for the house, and I still need to get loans for $66,000 more, as we only have enough to get her through March. And what if she wants to stay on after 18 even.
We have her Christmas list, as well as the 'allowable' list from the school. We need to get this together and shipped off. Not that I'm all that enthusiastic about that either. I don't know if that makes me a horrible father or what - to feel such resentment for my daughter.
I thought some of this would eventually get easier.
Do I sound cynical? I am feeling extremely frustrated right now.
The rep always asks the girls if they have any messages when she is scheduled to talk to their parents. Katie mentioned that I had said I was going to write more, and hadn't. So at least she has learned something about accountability. I just feel a bit indignant that she would call me on a broken agreement (if it even was an agreement, I said
So I'm not so sure I broke an agreement) when she is at such a state. That is my self-limiting belief, but it is still a huge case of calling the kettle black.I do intend to write more, but while I’m at a +5 to see you through this program and have you graduate, I’m not there on writing letters.
I did write her today. I would like to write more. It is very difficult at this point though. The idea keeps going through my head lately that I'm going to end up with 30 years of fairly oppressive student loans - all for nothing. This school is going to cost about $150,000 to get her to age 18. More than I make in a year. The loan payments are already approaching the mortgage payment for the house, and I still need to get loans for $66,000 more, as we only have enough to get her through March. And what if she wants to stay on after 18 even.
We have her Christmas list, as well as the 'allowable' list from the school. We need to get this together and shipped off. Not that I'm all that enthusiastic about that either. I don't know if that makes me a horrible father or what - to feel such resentment for my daughter.
I thought some of this would eventually get easier.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Back from Keys
We don't talk to the family rep until tomorrow, so we have no news about Katie.
Diane and I, however, had a fantastic weekend at our 4th Keys seminar "Living a Purposeful Life." I think that, of all we have attended, this was the best of the keys weekends. "Being in Relationship" was great, but not quite as good as this one.
It is interesting to me, how this seemed so much more a continuation of the process we started in Discovery and Focus, as did the relationship keys to a lesser extent. The addiction and Effective Communication keys, in contrast, were much more stand-alone, standard seminars. They didn't seem to build or continue on the others, and didn't seem to connect with them.
Is that because of the facilitators? Carol did this one, Lou did relationships. Carol did our Discovery (as well as the one I staffed), Lou does Focus. David did the two that didn't seem to connect. We were at first excited to hear he would be doing them, but now I'm much less enthused about him.
In May we should become keyholders, and it should be with Carol again at Styles of Communication. I don't know if the content will be as powerful (I've heard it is similar to Effective Communications, and more of a stand alone, with a lot of information, but less experiences) but I am looking forward to graduating with Carol.
This weekend was also special, because so many of the people we started with graduated. This was the largest keys graduation so far, with 40 people graduating. It was hard, because I wasn't able to personally participate with everyone's experience that I wanted to (they did 5 groups of 8, and that meant that several whom I wanted to be with were at the same time). Yes, this sounds confusing, but I can't discuss more without revealing too much - and one of the ground rules is confidentiality. And it isn't because this is a cult or secretive or anything - but simply because the key to a lot of the power of the seminars is experiencing it - you learn and grow by experiencing the process - and knowing what is going to happen ahead of time only serves to spoil the process. It isn't about what the answers are, but in how you find and discover the answers yourself.
So back to graduation. Four of the members of my focus family graduated, two of them being the firsts - one was the youngest ever to graduate (at 19), because before her they limited you to being 21 to attend. She was our focus leader, and is an inspiration to me. The other is a family rep at one of the schools, though not the one Katie is at. The schools send all the reps to Discovery, and some to Focus, but keys is all on their own. She almost didn't continue on this journey with us, but with our support early on continued on with the seminars, and is the first family rep at any school to be a keyholder.
I was saddended that I wasn't graduating with them. I still question how you are supposed to be +5 at everything, when they can conflict with each others. My committment to the Band Boosters at +5 conflicted with my +5 committment to the seminars, so I missed Styles of Communication in July - and we will have to make it up in May. Had we known we were going to miss it ahead of time, we could have gone somewhere else - but it has not been anywhere else except the bay area (again in July) since then. I wouldn't mind not graduating, but it will be tough going in May realizing that all of my family won't be there. Even my keys family will be different - as only one couple will be left (and they should graduate with us). So I'm saddened that I won't be with people I know to graduate. And I'm also saddened to think that I may not see some of these people again.
That is one drawback to these seminars - they provide wonderful support, but once you graduate then it is over. It would be kind of neat if they could have some type of ongoing seminar, once a quarter or something, to continue learning and supporting each other, that you could continue to attend as long as you had a kid in the program.
The one thing I really don't like about the seminars is the drive home - got in at 12:30 last night, and couldn't unwind to sleep until 2 am. So I'm a bit wiped out today.
Diane and I, however, had a fantastic weekend at our 4th Keys seminar "Living a Purposeful Life." I think that, of all we have attended, this was the best of the keys weekends. "Being in Relationship" was great, but not quite as good as this one.
It is interesting to me, how this seemed so much more a continuation of the process we started in Discovery and Focus, as did the relationship keys to a lesser extent. The addiction and Effective Communication keys, in contrast, were much more stand-alone, standard seminars. They didn't seem to build or continue on the others, and didn't seem to connect with them.
Is that because of the facilitators? Carol did this one, Lou did relationships. Carol did our Discovery (as well as the one I staffed), Lou does Focus. David did the two that didn't seem to connect. We were at first excited to hear he would be doing them, but now I'm much less enthused about him.
In May we should become keyholders, and it should be with Carol again at Styles of Communication. I don't know if the content will be as powerful (I've heard it is similar to Effective Communications, and more of a stand alone, with a lot of information, but less experiences) but I am looking forward to graduating with Carol.
This weekend was also special, because so many of the people we started with graduated. This was the largest keys graduation so far, with 40 people graduating. It was hard, because I wasn't able to personally participate with everyone's experience that I wanted to (they did 5 groups of 8, and that meant that several whom I wanted to be with were at the same time). Yes, this sounds confusing, but I can't discuss more without revealing too much - and one of the ground rules is confidentiality. And it isn't because this is a cult or secretive or anything - but simply because the key to a lot of the power of the seminars is experiencing it - you learn and grow by experiencing the process - and knowing what is going to happen ahead of time only serves to spoil the process. It isn't about what the answers are, but in how you find and discover the answers yourself.
So back to graduation. Four of the members of my focus family graduated, two of them being the firsts - one was the youngest ever to graduate (at 19), because before her they limited you to being 21 to attend. She was our focus leader, and is an inspiration to me. The other is a family rep at one of the schools, though not the one Katie is at. The schools send all the reps to Discovery, and some to Focus, but keys is all on their own. She almost didn't continue on this journey with us, but with our support early on continued on with the seminars, and is the first family rep at any school to be a keyholder.
I was saddended that I wasn't graduating with them. I still question how you are supposed to be +5 at everything, when they can conflict with each others. My committment to the Band Boosters at +5 conflicted with my +5 committment to the seminars, so I missed Styles of Communication in July - and we will have to make it up in May. Had we known we were going to miss it ahead of time, we could have gone somewhere else - but it has not been anywhere else except the bay area (again in July) since then. I wouldn't mind not graduating, but it will be tough going in May realizing that all of my family won't be there. Even my keys family will be different - as only one couple will be left (and they should graduate with us). So I'm saddened that I won't be with people I know to graduate. And I'm also saddened to think that I may not see some of these people again.
That is one drawback to these seminars - they provide wonderful support, but once you graduate then it is over. It would be kind of neat if they could have some type of ongoing seminar, once a quarter or something, to continue learning and supporting each other, that you could continue to attend as long as you had a kid in the program.
The one thing I really don't like about the seminars is the drive home - got in at 12:30 last night, and couldn't unwind to sleep until 2 am. So I'm a bit wiped out today.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
100th Post!
Somewhat by surprise, I realized that we had 99 posts in our journey so far, so I thought I would go ahead and add a special one for the magic 100!
So, after 100 posts, where are we on our journey? I guess it is a good time to review things.
Sept 23, 2005 - Katie was picked up by the escort service, and enrolled in the school
Dec 12, 2005 - Diane and I attended Discovery
Jan 15, 2006 - Diane and I attended Focus (I am an Intelligent, Worthy and Powerful Man! Diane is a Strong, Worth, Lovable Woman!)
February 2006 - Katie graduates Orientation on her second try.
March 7, 2006 - Diane and I attended Keys to Success: Being in Relationship
April 14, 2006 - Katie is put in Discovery to try and get her moving, and graduates.
April 28, 2006 - Diane and I saw Katie for the first time in six months at PC1.
May 7, 2006 - Diane and I attend Keys to Success: Addiction Awareness
August 4, 2006 - Mike Staffs Discovery, our oldest son attends
October 1, 2006 - Diane and I attend Keys to Success: Effective Communication
October 19, 2006 - Diane and I have a pass with Katie to see if she is making progress
November 18, 2006 - Diane and I attend Keys to Success: Living a Purposeful Life
When I look at these milestones - it is pretty amazing how far Diane and I have come in the past year. We have met some truly wonderful people, that have touched our lives in ways we never expected. At some point we have to be greatful to Katie, for we would not have grown the way we have were it not for her.
She has progressed some as well, though she is not working the program, even after 14 months. There are positive changes in her, but still a lot of old habits and old patterns that she keeps falling back into.
Life is but a journey, not a destination. And so we continue on ours, living, loving, growing and sharing as we go. When I started this I didn't know where it would go, if anywhere. I have heard that it has touched one or two people, and I'm happy for that. I don't truly know if any of this is ever read, but my hope is that maybe it will help someone else, let them know that they aren't alone, that they don't need to be alone. That was one of the hardest parts about starting this process, feeling that we were completely by ourselves.
For anyone reading this - please feel free to leave feedback - either publicly in the comments, or privately emailing me or Diane. Thanks for reading.
So, after 100 posts, where are we on our journey? I guess it is a good time to review things.
When I look at these milestones - it is pretty amazing how far Diane and I have come in the past year. We have met some truly wonderful people, that have touched our lives in ways we never expected. At some point we have to be greatful to Katie, for we would not have grown the way we have were it not for her.
She has progressed some as well, though she is not working the program, even after 14 months. There are positive changes in her, but still a lot of old habits and old patterns that she keeps falling back into.
Life is but a journey, not a destination. And so we continue on ours, living, loving, growing and sharing as we go. When I started this I didn't know where it would go, if anywhere. I have heard that it has touched one or two people, and I'm happy for that. I don't truly know if any of this is ever read, but my hope is that maybe it will help someone else, let them know that they aren't alone, that they don't need to be alone. That was one of the hardest parts about starting this process, feeling that we were completely by ourselves.
For anyone reading this - please feel free to leave feedback - either publicly in the comments, or privately emailing me or Diane. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Still sliding
*sigh*
*SIGH*
I don't know what to say. Katie has gotten out of Orange at least. So we talked to her last night on the therapy call. It wasn't a good call however.
On Mondays, her therapist goes over with the group what they feel she has done to make level two - and is able to make this a qualified judgement of how much of the requirements she has met. A few weeks ago she had met 18% of them, this week - 6%. Not even trying. And when asked what the requirements were - now remember these are the goals she is supposed to be working on every day - she didn't remember what they were! At all! And one of the girls in her room said she thought Katie threw them away.
I'm very frustrated. I eventually flat out asked if she just planned on sitting there for the next year and a half until she turned 18 and took her exit plan. At times she will tell her therapist that she wants to come home, but she doesn't act at all like it. If she wanted to come home she would be trying to work the program - and she isn't even trying.
She asked to be moved to a different group again - that was shut down immediately. She isn't running from her issues. She said that she didn't want to be in the group, but just to work on her goals by herself. Well most of her goals are about interacting with others.
She wants to be home for her senior year. She still has to complete Algebra before being at a full sophomore level - so she is behind there.
I asked her if she realizes that Thanksgiving is only a couple of weeks away - and that she won't be here at home with the family AGAIN. And Christmas is in six weeks - and she won't be here for that either. And did she want to have a third Christmas at the school as well.
We did get a letter yesterday as well - that talks some of what was going on as well. And has her Christmas list in it. I don't even know what I want to do about that. Maybe just send a huge lump of coal.
I received the latest statement from the school - for the first time we actually owe money on the statement. The latest loan is being disbursed in installments, and will cover it by the due date. I then did some rough calculations, to make sure the disbursements would cover things, and they do. Then I extended this out - and we will need another $66,000 to make it to her 18th birthday. This on top of the $86,000 we have already taken loans for.
*SIGH*
The loan payments are already close to the mortgage for the house, the next one, assuming we can get it, and that is not a small assumption, will put it WAY over - and I'm not sure we will be able to make it. Yes, we will find a way - I just don't know how yet.
Am I a horrible father because this concerns me? Am I not supposed to be concerned about student loans for $150,000 and not having her making any progress? I'll be paying for this for the next 30 years. By the time this is paid off, she will be older than I am now.
Oh yeah, she still wants to be a vet. Admirable goal - never going to happen if she doesn't change. Vet school is what - 6 years on top of a bachelor degree - 10 years of school. We won't be able to help that at all - the best I can do for my oldest son right now is to co-sign his loan, and that may not be possible soon due to the sheer amount we may owe.
We are heading to our next Keys seminar this weekend. It should be our last, but we had to miss one in July because of the marching band. So we won't be graduating with the people we started with. I look forward to seeing a lot of them on Friday night - I really miss my focus family - there are three focus sisters and our group leader that I feel really close to, and one especially. I'm saddened to think that I don't know when I'll ever see them again after this weekend. Right now it feels like it will be especially hard graduating in May (when the seminar we missed comes around again) because they won't be there - and even if they are they would be staffing, and there isn't time to catch up between staffers and participants.
We never say things enough - but especially to my focus sisters L, T and K - I love you guys. And to A - you made my focus so special, I still tear up thinking about it - and still have my stick in my wallet. I hope I can support each of you this weekend.
*SIGH*
I don't know what to say. Katie has gotten out of Orange at least. So we talked to her last night on the therapy call. It wasn't a good call however.
On Mondays, her therapist goes over with the group what they feel she has done to make level two - and is able to make this a qualified judgement of how much of the requirements she has met. A few weeks ago she had met 18% of them, this week - 6%. Not even trying. And when asked what the requirements were - now remember these are the goals she is supposed to be working on every day - she didn't remember what they were! At all! And one of the girls in her room said she thought Katie threw them away.
I'm very frustrated. I eventually flat out asked if she just planned on sitting there for the next year and a half until she turned 18 and took her exit plan. At times she will tell her therapist that she wants to come home, but she doesn't act at all like it. If she wanted to come home she would be trying to work the program - and she isn't even trying.
She asked to be moved to a different group again - that was shut down immediately. She isn't running from her issues. She said that she didn't want to be in the group, but just to work on her goals by herself. Well most of her goals are about interacting with others.
She wants to be home for her senior year. She still has to complete Algebra before being at a full sophomore level - so she is behind there.
I asked her if she realizes that Thanksgiving is only a couple of weeks away - and that she won't be here at home with the family AGAIN. And Christmas is in six weeks - and she won't be here for that either. And did she want to have a third Christmas at the school as well.
We did get a letter yesterday as well - that talks some of what was going on as well. And has her Christmas list in it. I don't even know what I want to do about that. Maybe just send a huge lump of coal.
I received the latest statement from the school - for the first time we actually owe money on the statement. The latest loan is being disbursed in installments, and will cover it by the due date. I then did some rough calculations, to make sure the disbursements would cover things, and they do. Then I extended this out - and we will need another $66,000 to make it to her 18th birthday. This on top of the $86,000 we have already taken loans for.
*SIGH*
The loan payments are already close to the mortgage for the house, the next one, assuming we can get it, and that is not a small assumption, will put it WAY over - and I'm not sure we will be able to make it. Yes, we will find a way - I just don't know how yet.
Am I a horrible father because this concerns me? Am I not supposed to be concerned about student loans for $150,000 and not having her making any progress? I'll be paying for this for the next 30 years. By the time this is paid off, she will be older than I am now.
Oh yeah, she still wants to be a vet. Admirable goal - never going to happen if she doesn't change. Vet school is what - 6 years on top of a bachelor degree - 10 years of school. We won't be able to help that at all - the best I can do for my oldest son right now is to co-sign his loan, and that may not be possible soon due to the sheer amount we may owe.
We are heading to our next Keys seminar this weekend. It should be our last, but we had to miss one in July because of the marching band. So we won't be graduating with the people we started with. I look forward to seeing a lot of them on Friday night - I really miss my focus family - there are three focus sisters and our group leader that I feel really close to, and one especially. I'm saddened to think that I don't know when I'll ever see them again after this weekend. Right now it feels like it will be especially hard graduating in May (when the seminar we missed comes around again) because they won't be there - and even if they are they would be staffing, and there isn't time to catch up between staffers and participants.
We never say things enough - but especially to my focus sisters L, T and K - I love you guys. And to A - you made my focus so special, I still tear up thinking about it - and still have my stick in my wallet. I hope I can support each of you this weekend.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Still 'in her crap'
I (Diane had to work until 6, so she didn't get in on the call) talked with our family rep again yesterday. Academically Katie is doing ok, finished off most of here courses she was on except for Algebra. But she is still in Orange.
Katie has recieved a lot of feedback from the group lately, most of which seems to come pretty close to home. But she isn't taking it to heart like she needs to.
Apparently she had been talking to a high level girl about things, and got to the point where the girl basically asked for a break for a while, as dealing with Katie was just exhausting for her.
So the frustration meter moves up a notch. And it doesn't help to hear our keys family talk about going to PC II, or their kids coming home. Everytime someone mentions that, or talks about how we want things to look when she gets home, I wonder if she ever will graduate. I'm not worried about her coming home at this point - I'm worried where the next loan is coming from!
I need to write to her (I haven't since we got back), but at this point I really don't know what to say. Thanksgiving is coming up quick - two weeks from tomorrow, and it will be the second with her there. But looks like we'll have a dozen (thirteen counting the baby (our goddaughter)) over at the house, so that won't be so bad. Then Christmas.
I'm not feeling so bad about Christmas this year as I was last. Last year it just sucked - big time. I didn't put up lights or anything. I had to sell the Trans-Siberian Orchestra tickets that were my birthday present because it was the same weekend as Discovery. Discovery was great, but Christmas wasn't quite the same (I took the 3 boys to seem them this last weekend - Ohio is at the beginning of the tour this year).
Plus mom and dad are coming in for Christmas this year - the first time we'll have Christmas together in 18 years. (The last time was when my oldest son was a year old, just before we moved to Ohio). They come in late on Christmas Eve, and are here until New Year's Eve. Also last year I paid for the boys to see their mother, so not only was I missing them, but I had to pay for it as well (of course she didn't pay back any of it).
Maybe just share some of that - make her miss home a bit. I just don't know.
Katie has recieved a lot of feedback from the group lately, most of which seems to come pretty close to home. But she isn't taking it to heart like she needs to.
Apparently she had been talking to a high level girl about things, and got to the point where the girl basically asked for a break for a while, as dealing with Katie was just exhausting for her.
So the frustration meter moves up a notch. And it doesn't help to hear our keys family talk about going to PC II, or their kids coming home. Everytime someone mentions that, or talks about how we want things to look when she gets home, I wonder if she ever will graduate. I'm not worried about her coming home at this point - I'm worried where the next loan is coming from!
I need to write to her (I haven't since we got back), but at this point I really don't know what to say. Thanksgiving is coming up quick - two weeks from tomorrow, and it will be the second with her there. But looks like we'll have a dozen (thirteen counting the baby (our goddaughter)) over at the house, so that won't be so bad. Then Christmas.
I'm not feeling so bad about Christmas this year as I was last. Last year it just sucked - big time. I didn't put up lights or anything. I had to sell the Trans-Siberian Orchestra tickets that were my birthday present because it was the same weekend as Discovery. Discovery was great, but Christmas wasn't quite the same (I took the 3 boys to seem them this last weekend - Ohio is at the beginning of the tour this year).
Plus mom and dad are coming in for Christmas this year - the first time we'll have Christmas together in 18 years. (The last time was when my oldest son was a year old, just before we moved to Ohio). They come in late on Christmas Eve, and are here until New Year's Eve. Also last year I paid for the boys to see their mother, so not only was I missing them, but I had to pay for it as well (of course she didn't pay back any of it).
Maybe just share some of that - make her miss home a bit. I just don't know.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
And still there
*sigh* Second week in Orange.
Found out more details when we had our call with the therapist last night - of course Katie wasn't on the call as she is in Orange still.
They did a room check, and she had some things in her room she shouldn't have. I guess it was a golf pencil they used somewhere, and she shouldn't have had it. Then she was putting all her pencils in something - I don't remember what it was, but something she shouldn't have.
On one hand these seem to be some pretty stupid and extreme rules. On the other though, that is exactly the point. Don't we all have to live with some stupid and arbitrary rules. And the main thing is to learn to follow rules, period. And be accountable for all your choices, including when you choose not to follow the rules.
They did review her support - and she is at 18% of what she needs to do to get to level 2. That was another eye openener for her, we hope.
I just get frustrated, because she is so good at the 'program talk' but doesn't seem to do it. Bu as soon as I say that, I think back to the psychologist report, where it said that her communications skills were far above average, while the rest of her development was at or slightly below normal. So when you talk to her, she comes off much smarter and more capable than she may be in reality.
Hmmmm - maybe I need to go back, re-read the report (and finish the part I haven't read), and see if I can then step left and find a different way to work with her.
Found out more details when we had our call with the therapist last night - of course Katie wasn't on the call as she is in Orange still.
They did a room check, and she had some things in her room she shouldn't have. I guess it was a golf pencil they used somewhere, and she shouldn't have had it. Then she was putting all her pencils in something - I don't remember what it was, but something she shouldn't have.
On one hand these seem to be some pretty stupid and extreme rules. On the other though, that is exactly the point. Don't we all have to live with some stupid and arbitrary rules. And the main thing is to learn to follow rules, period. And be accountable for all your choices, including when you choose not to follow the rules.
They did review her support - and she is at 18% of what she needs to do to get to level 2. That was another eye openener for her, we hope.
I just get frustrated, because she is so good at the 'program talk' but doesn't seem to do it. Bu as soon as I say that, I think back to the psychologist report, where it said that her communications skills were far above average, while the rest of her development was at or slightly below normal. So when you talk to her, she comes off much smarter and more capable than she may be in reality.
Hmmmm - maybe I need to go back, re-read the report (and finish the part I haven't read), and see if I can then step left and find a different way to work with her.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Once more in Orange
We talked with the family rep yesterday, and Katie is once more in Orange, but it isn't such a big deal this time. While not quite to the point where she is catching and being accountable for herself, she has made steps toward this. It was over a minor incident, but she did not fight it nor try to argue her way out of it. That is a huge improvement.
It was also nice that our family rep now seems to be using email - we got a brief note from Katie through her, which I responded to. I know that other schools have email for their students. Not full access or anything - they get it like twice a week, but it is so much faster than the stupid snail mail, and so much easier to just send something off quickly. But each school is different.
Anyway, I don't feel so frustrated this time, and believe she is learning. I doubt it will be her last time in Orange, but she sounds much closer to working things, and making some real progress, and that is what we all want.
It was also nice that our family rep now seems to be using email - we got a brief note from Katie through her, which I responded to. I know that other schools have email for their students. Not full access or anything - they get it like twice a week, but it is so much faster than the stupid snail mail, and so much easier to just send something off quickly. But each school is different.
Anyway, I don't feel so frustrated this time, and believe she is learning. I doubt it will be her last time in Orange, but she sounds much closer to working things, and making some real progress, and that is what we all want.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
And we're back
It was a very good, and hopefully productive visit.
The logistics sucked. Our flights out were delayed, as well as bad traffic leaving Vegas, so we didn't get to our hotel until 4:15 AM. Then we had a red-eye back home, with a three hour layover in Atlanta, so we are wiped out (well I am - Diane is upstairs asleep).
Katie was completely surprised by the visit. We talked to her on Thursday morning, more social than anything else to get started. Then that afternoon we had a session with her therapist, then went to her group session. He wanted to do it a bit differently though. Usually the girls run it themselves, but this time he did.
Katie had taken level 2 on Monday, without support. She is allowed to do that, but he wanted to give her a bit of a reality check. She thought she met all but one of the requirements. He went around the group, and had each girl list the requirements, if they supported her on it, and if not, why not. Pretty rude awakening for her - as there there 3 of the 11 requirements that she had no support at all - none of the 16 girls. A couple she had full support of, a few that were a bit mixed, and the rest were generally not supported. Then we left immediately after group, but not before giving the girls a lot of hugs - most of them wanted 'mom' hugs from Diane - basically having her stand in as a surrogate for their own mothers.
On Friday morning they were running late. But we got a pleasant surprise - a couple we had been going to seminars with drove up - there were there to see their son - for pretty much the same reasons as why we were there - except their son was turning 18 soon - so things were a bit more on edge as he had a possible exit plan looming. It was kind of amazing how I could run into my focus brother there - it is such a small world and there are no accidents.
We had a good session in the morning with Katie, going over respect and not just showing it, but truly internalizing it and feeling it. We also practiced listening skills with her. In the afternoon we talked about integrity and honesty - again having a good talk. Then it was done. Surprisingly, there weren't any tears when we left (though there were when we got there!).
So now, once more, it is a waiting game. Waiting to see how much of this she internalizes and takes to heart - seeing if she changes or not.
We did see improvement with her. She is maturing a bit, though she isn't where she should be (she still doesn't act 16). She did seem to listen a bit more than on some of the phone calls in the past, which is also good. We don't see any need to change her group at this time - but then again we don't know where she would go otherwise, as she is already a the facility they send the kids who aren't moving to, and with the therapist they put the girls who aren't working with.
They liked their shirts - her therapist put it on over his dress shirt on Thursday, and wore it again on Friday.
We talk to the Family Rep on Tuesday, and we'll see if there is any change or not.
M-
The logistics sucked. Our flights out were delayed, as well as bad traffic leaving Vegas, so we didn't get to our hotel until 4:15 AM. Then we had a red-eye back home, with a three hour layover in Atlanta, so we are wiped out (well I am - Diane is upstairs asleep).
Katie was completely surprised by the visit. We talked to her on Thursday morning, more social than anything else to get started. Then that afternoon we had a session with her therapist, then went to her group session. He wanted to do it a bit differently though. Usually the girls run it themselves, but this time he did.
Katie had taken level 2 on Monday, without support. She is allowed to do that, but he wanted to give her a bit of a reality check. She thought she met all but one of the requirements. He went around the group, and had each girl list the requirements, if they supported her on it, and if not, why not. Pretty rude awakening for her - as there there 3 of the 11 requirements that she had no support at all - none of the 16 girls. A couple she had full support of, a few that were a bit mixed, and the rest were generally not supported. Then we left immediately after group, but not before giving the girls a lot of hugs - most of them wanted 'mom' hugs from Diane - basically having her stand in as a surrogate for their own mothers.
On Friday morning they were running late. But we got a pleasant surprise - a couple we had been going to seminars with drove up - there were there to see their son - for pretty much the same reasons as why we were there - except their son was turning 18 soon - so things were a bit more on edge as he had a possible exit plan looming. It was kind of amazing how I could run into my focus brother there - it is such a small world and there are no accidents.
We had a good session in the morning with Katie, going over respect and not just showing it, but truly internalizing it and feeling it. We also practiced listening skills with her. In the afternoon we talked about integrity and honesty - again having a good talk. Then it was done. Surprisingly, there weren't any tears when we left (though there were when we got there!).
So now, once more, it is a waiting game. Waiting to see how much of this she internalizes and takes to heart - seeing if she changes or not.
We did see improvement with her. She is maturing a bit, though she isn't where she should be (she still doesn't act 16). She did seem to listen a bit more than on some of the phone calls in the past, which is also good. We don't see any need to change her group at this time - but then again we don't know where she would go otherwise, as she is already a the facility they send the kids who aren't moving to, and with the therapist they put the girls who aren't working with.
They liked their shirts - her therapist put it on over his dress shirt on Thursday, and wore it again on Friday.
We talk to the Family Rep on Tuesday, and we'll see if there is any change or not.
M-
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Heading out tonight
We fly out to Vegas tonight, then drive to Hurricane - about five minutes from the school, but a two hour drive.
We are still a bit nervous about this, but have at least a bit of a plan. Assuming that most of the visit is just her and us, we want to work on a listening exercise with Katie - have her repeat back what we say before she can say anything. We should be able to do this. Plus work on using the Bradshaw with her - there are no accidents that this is the homework from keys for this week. I'm printing off some extra copies of it to take with us.
We don't have internet access in our hotel room, so I won't be bringing the laptop for once - one less thing to worry about. So I'll have to wait to update until we get back.
M-
We are still a bit nervous about this, but have at least a bit of a plan. Assuming that most of the visit is just her and us, we want to work on a listening exercise with Katie - have her repeat back what we say before she can say anything. We should be able to do this. Plus work on using the Bradshaw with her - there are no accidents that this is the homework from keys for this week. I'm printing off some extra copies of it to take with us.
We don't have internet access in our hotel room, so I won't be bringing the laptop for once - one less thing to worry about. So I'll have to wait to update until we get back.
M-
Sunday, October 15, 2006
No Call this week
I got a message from the therapist today - we aren't going to have a phone call tomorrow. No big deal, as we will bit seeing him and Katie on Thursday. It sounds like he wants to structure the visit a bit more, as he wanted me to email him as well.
Both Diane and I received letters yesterday from Katie, talking about her last stint in Orange. God, I hate snail mail. Almost everything in the letters was what we had already gone over in the previous phone call. That is one reason why I don't write as often as I sometimes feel I should - everything I try to say gets crossed in the slow mail. And with about a three week total turn around time it is so difficult to have any kind of ongoing conversation in the mail.
M-
Both Diane and I received letters yesterday from Katie, talking about her last stint in Orange. God, I hate snail mail. Almost everything in the letters was what we had already gone over in the previous phone call. That is one reason why I don't write as often as I sometimes feel I should - everything I try to say gets crossed in the slow mail. And with about a three week total turn around time it is so difficult to have any kind of ongoing conversation in the mail.
M-
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Weekly Call
I talked with the family rep last night. She understands our frustration that Katie is not working. The interesting thing is that on the 'come clean' a couple of weeks ago she didn't quite beat her old demerit record - only scoring 730 instead of beating her high of 800!
We talked about my apprehensions on the upcoming visit. It looks like most of the time will be just Diane, Katie and me by ourselves, to work on some of the issues. One of the main things I want to work on is getting her to actually listen. Nearly all the time, when we are on the therapy calls, she will go off on something, then Diane or I will say something, and then she will continue on as if we hadn't said anything at all. There is a simple exercise where you need to repeat what was said each time before you can add anything that I feel we need to do, repeatedly if necessary.
It may also be very relevant that we are doing Effective Communications right now. There are no accidents.
M-
We talked about my apprehensions on the upcoming visit. It looks like most of the time will be just Diane, Katie and me by ourselves, to work on some of the issues. One of the main things I want to work on is getting her to actually listen. Nearly all the time, when we are on the therapy calls, she will go off on something, then Diane or I will say something, and then she will continue on as if we hadn't said anything at all. There is a simple exercise where you need to repeat what was said each time before you can add anything that I feel we need to do, repeatedly if necessary.
It may also be very relevant that we are doing Effective Communications right now. There are no accidents.
M-
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Working again - maybe
We had a special therapy call last night, and Katie was out of Orange so on the call. She says she is going to work with one of her roommates on a lot of her issues - especially having her point out when she is not working. I confronted her with this, wondering how this was different than what she had said every other time she got out of orange.
I have a call with the family rep tonight, so I'll see what she says. Diane won't be able to be on that call unfortunately.
We also had our first keys family call for this round, and after everyone updated on how things were going, we talked about the situation.
M-
I have a call with the family rep tonight, so I'll see what she says. Diane won't be able to be on that call unfortunately.
We also had our first keys family call for this round, and after everyone updated on how things were going, we talked about the situation.
M-
Monday, October 09, 2006
Support Group
We have a very active parent support group in our area. It is a nice opportunity once a month to get together with people from the same area, who are or have been going through the same thing.
This month we volunteered to host it. Unfortunately, one of the parents down south son, who graduated the program a few years ago, was killed last week in an auto accident. Because of this going on, and probably helped by the fact that the weather yesterday was simply beautiful (and yet they say it could snow by the end of the week!) we only had three people show up for the meeting. It was still good to connect, and gave us a chance to get to know one couple a little bit better.
We talk to Katie's therapist again tonight - I don't know if Katie will be on the call or not - that depends on if she is out of orange. And then we talk to our family rep tomorrow night. Right now I'm more than a little concerned about this upcoming visit. I don't want to reward non-working behavior on Katie's part. I also don't know what we would do with her in the school for several hours at a time. I'm concered about the visit not being structured. We are going to try and bring that up with the therapist tonight.
We got him a cute tee shirt as well from What On Earth Catalog, as well as a sweatshirt for the family rep. You can see them here and here. Since the seminars deal with the 'Magical child' within each one of us, we thought those were quite appropriate for them.
M-
This month we volunteered to host it. Unfortunately, one of the parents down south son, who graduated the program a few years ago, was killed last week in an auto accident. Because of this going on, and probably helped by the fact that the weather yesterday was simply beautiful (and yet they say it could snow by the end of the week!) we only had three people show up for the meeting. It was still good to connect, and gave us a chance to get to know one couple a little bit better.
We talk to Katie's therapist again tonight - I don't know if Katie will be on the call or not - that depends on if she is out of orange. And then we talk to our family rep tomorrow night. Right now I'm more than a little concerned about this upcoming visit. I don't want to reward non-working behavior on Katie's part. I also don't know what we would do with her in the school for several hours at a time. I'm concered about the visit not being structured. We are going to try and bring that up with the therapist tonight.
We got him a cute tee shirt as well from What On Earth Catalog, as well as a sweatshirt for the family rep. You can see them here and here. Since the seminars deal with the 'Magical child' within each one of us, we thought those were quite appropriate for them.
M-
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Making Arrangements
Well, we have our flights to go to the school and visit Katie. We leave after work on Wednesday the 18th, and then have a red-eye back Friday night, giving us that Thursday and Friday to be in Utah. At least there are lots of flights in/out of Las Vegas (the nearest decent airport), though it a couple hour drive from there.
I'm a bit apprehensive about this visit. We are looking to see what we need to do with Katie, whether it be to keep her as is, change groups (which would mean changing therapist and family rep), or if we need to change facility altogether. Changing facilities worries me, as there aren't any others that offer the therapy that this one does. However, being realistic, how much therapy is she getting if her behavior is so out of whack? Can they really work on issues at this point?
We did get an interesting letter the other day; it was the first one EVER (in over a year now) where she had mentioned any of the other girls there. That in itself is a very good thing - it starts to show that she is finally being a little less self-centered - possibly opening up and realizing that there is more in the world.
M-
I'm a bit apprehensive about this visit. We are looking to see what we need to do with Katie, whether it be to keep her as is, change groups (which would mean changing therapist and family rep), or if we need to change facility altogether. Changing facilities worries me, as there aren't any others that offer the therapy that this one does. However, being realistic, how much therapy is she getting if her behavior is so out of whack? Can they really work on issues at this point?
We did get an interesting letter the other day; it was the first one EVER (in over a year now) where she had mentioned any of the other girls there. That in itself is a very good thing - it starts to show that she is finally being a little less self-centered - possibly opening up and realizing that there is more in the world.
M-
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
New Blog
Welcome to our new blog site. I've had some issues in the past with the free web space provided by our ISP, so I figured I'd move this to a more 'permanent' free site. And this allowed me to back date the old posts, so the archives are all consistent.
Everything from the old site should be here, but I have it archived as well just in case.
Now to just get this to default to the correct time zone (it defaults to pacific, and I'm in eastern).
Everything from the old site should be here, but I have it archived as well just in case.
Now to just get this to default to the correct time zone (it defaults to pacific, and I'm in eastern).
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