New Blog

Welcome to our new blog site. I've had some issues in the past with the free web space provided by our ISP, so I figured I'd move this to a more 'permanent' free site. And this allowed me to back date the old posts, so the archives are all consistent.

Everything from the old site should be here, but I have it archived as well just in case.

Now to just get this to default to the correct time zone (it defaults to pacific, and I'm in eastern).

Back to Orange, yet again

Well, we talked to the therapist on Monday, as normal. Katie is back in orange again. She had so many write-ups that he couldn't go over them all. It sounded like she just went nuts - things like "Disrespecting peers - 70 times".
So, her therapists wants us to come out and review her progress in person. I'm apprehensive, to say the least, about this, as part of me feels that it is rewarding her for bad behavior. We may end up switching yet again to another therapist/group, and will review all the alternatives, including changing facilities. The problem is that there aren't any other facilities that offer the therapy the they do, the rest just do the behavior modification.
I hate the thought of all this time and money (and at $4200 a month, the money is not insignificant) and not having her get any better. But worrying does no one any good, so we will take it a step at a time.
In other news, we just completed our third Keys seminar - Effective Communication, and are the Mom and Pop (our family is named SODA - so yes, I'm the Soda Pop!) for our keys family, and we are hosting the local support group meeting this weekend as well. Along with the band boosters I don't seem to have time to turn around.

M-
8:39 am edt

Progress - maybe

Well she is still out of orange, which is a good thing. What was real interesting was apparently this past week she has been working quite a bit. Even to the point where her family rep remarked how she was actually responding appropriately when in group sessions. The example she gave was when the therapist had asked them about things they were ashamed of, and then after a girl talked about it, he asked others for examples of this in their lives. She managed to be clear, answer just the question honestly, and not go into stories or try to make it all about her. This is a good thing.
We have passed the 1 year mark now, and I'm personally frustrated. But we have a Keys seminar this weekend, and I hope to get a bit more energized there. I just hope it is a good one, and not a lot of lecture.

M-

Once more out of orange - for now

We had our therapy call last night, and Katie got to participate as she was out of Orange. It went ok, not great. We challenged her a lot on working the program, and not expecting that doing one thing right would erase all the mistakes she had made in the past.

She has finally said that she doesn't like it there and wants to be home. We are hoping this will help to motivate her to work he program. Since she changed groups she has already managed to completely alienate the new one, killing any trust there.

I have a call tonight with my Focus family, and that will be good to touch base with them again. I really miss some of them. We also have our next keys seminar in a week and a half - that will be great to see people again and get our own program moving once more.

M-

Back to Orange again - and not happy about it

We talked to our family rep again this week, and Katie went back to Orange on Saturday. Too many Cat 1's again, though the others were down. The one different aspect though is she isn't happy about it. She has finally gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be in Orange (there was a time months ago when she asked to be put back in Orange). And she is finally starting to complain about the place a bit, and say she wants to come home.
Why is this good? Before she had never asked to come home, never said she wanted to. We felt she was getting too comfortable there, working the system. Now she isn't happy there anymore. And we are really hoping this will motivate her to begin working.
I'm really worried about he ongoing costs. We have another 6 month loan, but don't feel real comfortable about if we can get another after that. They dropped it down from a full year becasue of the amount of outstanding debt. We hope that a part of that was because we have a debt consolidation 2nd mortgage that we just took out - but the stuff we paid off haven't been closed yet. So we hope that in 6 months things will look a lot better as we are getting rid of most of our credit cards (keeping a total of 3, Sears (because that is so hard to get, and supposedly looks good), and two smaller limits general ones (Diane's is a VISA, mine is a MasterCard), one for each of us just to have. The big (14K) VISA, BP, Best Buy, Home Depot, Victoria Secret are all getting closed, plus the van was paid off as well. So we traded a bunch of revolving debt for a single mortgage debt, which is also supposed to look a lot better.
With Diane not being able to get clients lately, and the Real Estate market around here in the dumpster, I'm really concerened about how much she can help out with the monthly budget. It's ok for now, but in six months when we need to get another loan - well I don't know what will happen.

M-

Doing better, for now

Well talked with the therapist and Katie yesterday. She is still out of orange at least. We are hoping she can stay that way. She wants to go to Focus - but has a long way to go, if nothing else just to earn the points to get to level 3. The call went well, we got into the issues she was having with her new roommates, which mirrors the rest of her life. To me it all boils down to respect for other people. Not just lip service, or kissing butt, but truly respecting others and realizing that you are not the center of the universe. We talked about how she would fidget during group and during PC1 when others were speaking - and I challenged her on how often she spent the time when others were speaking thinking of what she was going to say, instead of listening to them. I also challenged her in the next few weeks, whenever she was in group, to NEVER talk about herself when giving feedback - no comparisons to her life, no stories. To truly listen, and talk about the other girls.
We'll see how it goes.

M-

talking again

We had a decent call with Katie today. Not as rough as the last few, she spent most of it trying to tell us why she wasn't in orange - and interesting change. She had some issues with her new roommates that stemmed from the same base as always, but hopefully is getting past them and stays out of orange for once.

The key right now is just seeing how she handles some of the events that are happening - does she break down and quit again, or is she going to start being accountable and make some progress. I don't have a crystal ball - only time will tell here.

M-

6 more months

Well, we got our loan app back today - for 6 more months only. We will have to reapply after that - and probably get a co-signer. The good thing is that the payments are less than I expected, the bad is it is only 6 months, and the odds of her getting out by March 23 2007 are pretty slim. However financially we are doing ok - took out a second mortgage to get rid of a bunch of older bills, so once we get the rest of those accounts closed out then things should look better as well - cut our monthly payments in less than half, which gives us the money for this second school loan. Of course, I've also co-signed my son's loan for his first year of college.
It looks like Katie has managed to stay out of Orange so far - a graduate visited the school the other day and posted that on the BBS for us, so I expect that I'll be talking to her tonight. Maybe she is finally going to start moving - who knows. I don't try to predict anything any more.

M-

Well she says she's going to work the program . . .

I got a letter yesterday from Katie, talking about moving to another group, and trying to start working now. She said she only had 35 demerits so far that week, so we'll see.
It started with a list of resentments, and that triggered me a bit. I immediately wrote her back about it. I was good, and didn't go point by point, but I did have to talk about how most of them had to do with her lack of respect for others - expecting everyone (especially me) to drop everything else whenever she wanted anything. Things like being upset because I would be reading or something, and not stop to pay attention to her. Or being upset because I would be talking to her brothers when she was in the car, about things we did together that she didn't. And not wanting to constantly drive her around wherever she wanted to go. Or embarrassing her in front of her friends.
That last one, of course, is a parents perogitive, and pleasure. Isn't that why we had kids in the first place, to embarrass them by being weird? ;-)
Diane is sending her a song that reminds her of Katie - Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. She is also making up some inspirational 'mini-posters' for her to help motivate her - kind of a turnabout - but we'll see if it helps. I like the one
"Put Your Big Girl Panties On And Just Deal With It!" She needs to take that to heart.
We'll see next week if things are better or not - we talk with her therapist then, and maybe Katie if she stays out of Orange, as well as the family rep.

M-

Group Move

We talked to the therapist yesterday, as normal. He has pulled the trigger and moved Katie from group 'N' to group 'B'. She still has the same rep and therapist, but different girls. He took her out of orange with the move - basically gave her a fresh start.

He is getting as frustrated as we are. He joked with her the other day that her bus was here to take her to Jamaica - I'm just not so sure how much of a joke that truly is. With her not working for 11 months tomorrow, we have to find someway to get through to her.

I'm applying today for a 2nd student loan - another 52K on top of the 58K we did last year. Boy doesn't that excite me. We are doing this again through TeenHelp, and hope it goes through.

Feeling very frustrated and disillusioned right now.

M-

in other news

Oh yes, in addition tomorrow her big brother goes off to college. The house is sure getting bigger suddenly, and much quieter.

In the next few weeks we have to do and re-do bedrooms and move the remaining two boys around - so that we can finally (I know it has been nearly a year) clean out her room thoroughly. Most of the stuff in it can go - keep some of the books (maybe) - but posters etc. will be gone. She can't fit into any of her old clothes any more, so that isn't an issue

Still Orange - and struggling

This weeks update wasn't good news. Katie is still really struggling - she got over 800 demerits again last week. She did manage to question Garth on whether or not her new rules were too tough - but the other girls all said that it was very do-able for someone who wants to do it. Yes, in Orange it is extremely easy to get a cat. But getting 3 Cat 3's in one day is ridiculous. (Out of area, major disrespect, and dropping the 'F' bomb).

It was interesting that apparently they took group pictures again, and Katie tried to hide in the back this time - most likely so that her orange shirt wouldn't be seen. It didn't work - they ended up moving her to the front, but it was interesting how she suddenly wasn't mugging for the camera now.

M-

Orange - and staffing

Well Katie is back in orange and looks to be there for a while. One interesting point - her therapist will no longer let her participate in the bi-weekly calls with him if she is in orange, and they hold all her mail as well. So more incentive for her to work.

I staffed Discovery this weekend - it was really great. I'm not sure that I got much more out of it staffing than attending, but it was really wonderful to watch my small group grow over the three days. The way the looks of despair, pain and sadness were replaced with hope, healing and joy was just fantastic. If it weren't for the logistics (since it is in Chicago - that is a six hour drive, plus hotel, plus taking off work for at least a two days (three if I don't try to drive home the evening after it is over) I would definitely do it again.

M-

Changeup

I hate computers some time - especially when trying to save this stuff. So try again.

We had our call with the therapist and Katie on Saturday, as today is a state holiday so he wasn't going to be in the office. It went ok - nothing special. We talked again about how she needs to start working the program. She is real big on pushing any little improvement. She has gone from 300 demerits a week to 90+ - but that is like going from an F to a D-, it isn't good enough.
We sent her a package of some new pajamas and new shoes - she is real hard on shoes so we got her some better ones instead of the cheapies.
We are really frustrated that she has been there 10 months and isn't making any progress. We thought she was back in April when we saw her at PC1, but it just didn't happen. And now we have to go and get a 2nd loan to make the payments for another year. We really hope that happens, because there is no way we can come up with $4400 a month otherwise, unless we win the lottery. And we haven't had any luck with referrals - I don't even think anyone is looking at that web site - and I don't know how to generate traffic.

M-

Challenging

Yesterday we had our therapy call. It was a bit challenging - I know that Katie did not enjoy it at all. We definitely brought up the issue of her not working, and wanting to accept that minor improvement is good enough. She has gone from 300+ demerits a week to 150+ - an improvement but not nearly good enough. Nearly 10 months and still at level one. And all the extra points she had ever earned from Discovery and PC1 are soon going to be completely gone (she has like 200 merits last week - level 3, which is a Focus requirement , is 1000 merits).
Her therapist has asked us to think about moving her to another group - to see if that changes anything. We really like him and our family rep - so we are really debating on if this will help or not. He has one other group he does - maybe move her there and see.
M-

Not so sweet 16

Katie turned 16 on Monday. We talked to the family rep yesterday - she got her package on friday and was going to get her cake after dinner yesterday - all decorated in red, white and blue.

Still at level 1, still getitng 300+ demerits a week, still not working. We are still very frustrated. *sigh*M-

Still Struggling

I had our therapy call last night - and things are still pretty rough. Katie has finally admitted to cheating on a test again, so the whole session was on honesty, and her needing to acknowledge that she has a problem with lying. Very frustrating. Her 16th birthday is next week, and she doesn't seem to be making any progress at times.
M-

Working session

I had our therapy call last night, and this felt like one of the best 'working' sessions we have had yet. We discussed the patten that Katie has of constantly asking for help with everything, and using the line "I don't know what I'm doing" for everything. She says she doesn't know how to get beyond level 1 at all.

I talked to her about just doing it - she has very clear cut rules - and to simply follow the rules. There are no short cuts, no easy way our. She has to simply do it, or not do it and be accountable for that choice.

I wrote her today and reiterated this as well Even when you are truly confused in life - just going through the motions every day tends to break through the confusion and allow you to focus. And she has the motions spelled out right in front of her.

I hope something sinks in and we start to eventually see some progress.

M-

Still Struggling

Yesterday was our bi-weekly call with the family rep. The good news is that Katie is doing fine in school, and really working at PE. She is able to run the entire time now, without stopping to walk part of the way. And she is continuing to lose weight.
The bad news is that she is still struggling with the rules. She got over 250 demerits last week, way above the acceptable level for being voted up to level 2 again. She just can't seem to stop bucking the rules. Arrrghhhh!!!!
She got our box, most of which she can no longer have since dropping back to level 1. But she will get the razor and crochette stuff when she votes up eventually.
Her birthday is coming up soon, so we are going to get her some colored pencils and coloring books. She is so limited in what she can have. Then we send the family rep a check and she will get a cake for her, and she gets to serve it to her group.

M-

Grandparents

Had our bi-weekly therapy call. Katie went over what happened - she was cheating on an algebra test. She did take accountability for it, and handled it well. She has realized that this choice also chose her out of the next Focus, and in talking with her therapist he said that he didn't feel that they would help her this time, like they did with discovery. She truly needs to earn Focus to make it help her more. The good thing is she has done all her pre-focus homework.
Then her grandma and grandpa had a chance to say hi. They were in town for her older brother's graduation. She cried a bit, but I think overall it was a good thing. It always helps to remind them of what is at home, as an incentive for wanting to work the program and come home.

M-